Arrested by the Holy Spirit.
No other word described how I felt during Kingdom City's 3 days Gathering conference on 28- 30 September 2017.
I had just finished celebrating my 28th birthday the week before, and as I have shared with many others, 2017 blew my mind away. This has been a year of favor, breakthroughs, miracles, and blessings. Having been so greatly blessed, I kind of wasn't as desperate for an encounter as I was last year when I lose my job. I thought I have reached the cap for this season and all that is left is to be faithful.
I still expected great things to happen, I was super excited, but what happened was so much greater. As in, life-defining moment kind of great.
On the first day, I saw a vision of a great wave crashing over me, like a strong water jet, it passed through every molecule in my being and cleanse away stubborn dirt that had clung onto me over the years. I simply received this without much understanding at that point of time what it meant.
I also saw Jesus extending His hand, asking me to hold onto Him as we walk in partnership into what we are about to enter. It was exciting for me personally as I had not look at Jesus as a partner before. Like a business partner.
Day Two, while I was praying for a double-portion that God had promised to me earlier this year. Two passages in the Bible was brought to mind: 1 Kings 19:20-21, and Matthew 19:21. Both received an invitation to follow, but only one did.
The message was clear: "Leave it all behind, and come and follow me."
Now, the ball is in my court, as I live out my daily decisions, I want to leave it all behind to follow him. It will be the most unfortunate thing to receive the invitation and miss out on it!
During the end of Day Two, God further imparted and sharpened my purpose in life- To be a mother for the children no one else wanted, they are to be my children, because these are children Jesus wants.
During the last day, there was an extended prayer time and I too went up when Ps Dominic Russo said that God has been speaking to some of us about full-time ministry this week. Though it's something I have responded previously, I went up again as God had been speaking new life into this.
As a lady prayed over me, I heard this loud and powerful voice saying, shouting even, You are not a sinner! Immediately, I felt as if something was literally shifted and taken out of my body physically and my knees grew weak and I fell down kneeling.
I was sobbing in an ugly mess, but I became the ugly mess God needed me to be.
As I stepped outside the Sunway Convention Centre, I knew with certainty in my heart that history was set in motion, and I am stepping into it.
This morning I was strolling through Facebook randomly and chanced upon IHOP ministry's live stream of their yearly conference. You can watch the recording of all the sessions here: https://watch.ihopkc.org/
Allen Hood shared so passionately on a simple yet profound topic- Love.
It was a session jam-packed with soul-gripping truths. He asked a question: do you remember when you encountered God for the very first time? Do you remember your passion and amazement for every little thing when you first fall in love with Him?
I remembered. It was only 8 years ago when I first encountered Jesus. Though I have been going to church on and off growing up, but every worship lyric, every verse, every sermon feels magical, it's like I am finally seeing the world for the first time. My heart leapt with joy every time a verse makes sense to me and I will share them passionately with my small group. I have a journal that I bring everywhere- I will write down whole passages from the Bible because they are all so dear to me, I write down the full lyrics of all the worship songs I love ( they were At The Cross and King of Majesty among others), in between sermon notes I will jot down what I experience during worship time.
How did you first love feel and look like? :)
May 2017 be a year of passionate love.
I recently just got a new job, yeah!╰(*´︶`*)╯ But what I am truly thankful for is not the gift, but the Giver. I received so much more than just a job. This is gonna be a long post because I want to document the journey and the baby steps involved in it, and also I do not want to discredit God for all that He has done for me. You have been warned 乁( ˙ω˙ )厂
In my previous post, I shared about how God brought me through depression and addiction. Right after that, I arrived at a moment where I am challenged again.
I remembered hearing from God that He will bring down the walls in my life a few months ago, like in Joshua 6 when He brought down the wall of Jericho and delivered them into the land victoriously.
But you see, in Joshua 7, right after this great miracle, they have to go to war again, and the situation quickly turned against them.
Bringing down the wall, though great, is not the end goal, the battle continues, the journey goes on.
Do not settle
Before getting my new job, I received a few other offers. They are decent enough (and hey,why should someone unemployed be so choosy anyway? right?) But, to be completely honeat, they are not what I like and the pay is lower than my expectation. I was getting stressed out and anxious, and in fear.
"what if this is already the best offer I will receive? what if I missed out and do not get another offer?" what if what if what if.
"who are you to say that you don't like this job? who are you to say that you can afford another week being unemployed?" who are you who are you who are you
I got too caught up in that moment, and realized that these thought patterns were damaging and need to be surrendered to God.
So this is the first thing I learned, do not lower your standard. Do not accept what life throws at you with no peace in your heart, because this life is passing. Financial difficulties or not, I am here on a journey heaven-ward. Not just surviving the concrete jungle.
Compromise on the small things, soon you'll compromise on the big things as well. (though to be fair, career choice might be the biggest choice for some)
So that's when I resolved I cannot take up this job that I know I have no peace in my heart to accept, I should have the confidence that my God will provide.
My new job is not only something I liked, but it's with a company I liked, and with higher pay as well.
His perfect way
After receiving the few initial job offers, I was praying that I really need a clear word from Him on whether I should accept the offers or not.
I saw a vision as I remembered Psalm 121, I saw Jesus standing on top of a mountain as I stood trapped inside a maze. He has the higher vantage point of view and already knew which way would be the best way for me to navigate through this maze, all I need to do is listen and trust.
And so I did.
(It is funny,but this song was on replay through my mind the whole time. haha. A children worship song! crazy right? oh,this was also the only worship song I remembered as a non-believer back then.)
Childlike faith
During one Sunday service, Jesus brought to memory how I first believed that Jesus is real. How as an 18 years old non-believer, I trusted that if Jesus is real, surely I will get into this school I wanted. Now as a 27 years old, my thinking becomes more complicated, and my list of consideration becomes longer.
This is my chance, where I can choose to have that bold childlike faith again, and trust that God will give to me this specific job I really like.
And I did. Without receiving any confirmation for the job I wanted, I turned down a few offers, declined multiple interviews- telling them that I will not be continuing with the interview process.
It's hard, every single phone call I made and every single email I sent is as much a testing as it is a strengthening of my faith.
Stop trying too hard
Among the many offers is an offer to be class teacher in a kindergarten. The place was great, and the lady running the place is great as well.
Children holds a very special place in my heart ever since I started serving in children ministry years ago. But I have always feel under qualified to do more for children, as I never received professional training.
This job really looked like it will help me in this aspect, plus, to be brutally honest with you, being a kindergarten teacher sounds like a more kind and loving person than a social media executive. haha
In that same Sunday service, the preacher shared a point about being unqualified. How when God appoints, He annoints. And it just made me realized that I was impatient waiting for God and was making up plans without Him, and was really just trying to make myself feel qualified.
God alone qualifies the call.
His perfect timing
I was actually researching about this company where my new job is at for an article I am writing, I came across the career section and sent in my resume randomly. After that, I was talking to someone and found that she had worked that years ago and she told me stories about the company and how the yhave a great culture there. Needless to say, I have a good impression of them after that.
I was happy when they contacted me, and I went for the interview, and was asked to go back for a second interview on the same day! (surely this is a sign that they liked me right?haha)
It was at this point that I received the other offers, and after turning down all of them. I now am left hanging around while waiting for a yes or no.
After this, the person's house where I have been staying over at, she injured her back. And because I did not take the previous offers, I was free and was able to help them take care of someone at the house while they go to work in the morning.
Tuesday morning, I received a call from the company and they said I have been offered the position! and after that, she managed to find someone who will be able to help out in the morning while they are at work.
Maybe it doesn't sound impressive, but to me it is crazy how perfect His timing is!
Now the journey goes on as I go house hunting for a place closer to work! ٩(๑^o^๑)۶
There has been a campaign for the awareness of mental health recently. I read some articles about the statistic of depression and other mental health issues in Malaysia and the workforce in general. I find it surprising to know how many people is actually battling with this daily while trying to look ok on the outside, even though I myself struggled with it for a period of time.
I came across a post on Facebook that reminded me of my own journey, and how much I shun away from talking about it.
About a year or two ago, when everything seems to be working out great for me, I was suddenly struck with depression. At that time, I was doing so fine on the outside, my career was going strong, I was serving in church, and I hang out with friends. Till this day I cannot pinpoint what exactly went wrong. Perhaps it was the combination of work stress, self-doubt, and everything in between.
I simply lost the motivation for everything in life, I do not feel like stepping out from my room in the morning, and cannot fall asleep at night. I stopped responding to all channels of communication- phone calls, emails, text messages. Everything. It was also at this point that I become addicted to things, both "bad things" and "good things".
This could be another story about how I am a strong person and I manage to work it through and I am perfect again now. But it is not, I am not that strong person those articles wrote about, I am just a simple person with many flaws.
Instead, this is a story of Grace and Faithfulness. The verse that pulled me through that 2 years was this:
If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown himself (2 Timothy 2:13)
One Sunday morning, I was dragged to church by Valerene (whom house I was staying at that point of time, more on that later), I was so reluctant to talk to anyone there. But God met me there, I saw a vision of a safety net, and He told me that He will be my safety net, that no matter how far I fall, or how hard it is, He is always there to catch me. He is faithful even when I am faithless.
I went back to my hometown in Sabah shortly after that. Being the only Christian in the household, there was no longer anyone who asked me how was my walk with God or drag me to church on Sundays. But even at these time, His love covers me. I slowly began picking up calls and responds to messages. Again, I cannot pinpoint what went right this time, but I believe prayers both by myself and the community plays a part, apart from the relentless Jesus that refuses to let me go.
As mentioned, the community plays a large role in my journey as well. My gratitude especially for Valerene and Paul, who knocked on my door and took me in like their own when I was closing myself away.
This year, I came back to Kuala Lumpur with a new job, and a new hope to make things right this time. So I told everyone who asked that I am ok now, at least, that was my genuine feelings until God prove me otherwise. In the month leading up to church conference, I have this sense that God wants to do something with my life and bring me to a whole new ground after the conference. I saw a vision of Jesus covering me in cloth of white, a declaration that there is no shame in Christ.
I had no idea what was coming my way!
I was fired from my job just the week before the conference. Suddenly I was lost and with financial problem. Depression tries to creep in on me again the very first day. Thoughts like: "Ok don't tell anyone, just figure this out." or "No I cannot go back to Sabah again this time, or else I am a loser. What would people and relatives say?" But no, this time, depression will not win. Not because suddenly I am a strong person, but because I have a consistent relationship with Jesus. I realized it really is all these small moments that I spent with the Lord that counts. I was able to identify these patterns of thoughts and make the decision to respond differently.
Admitting to people that I was fired and in need of help is a very humbling experience. It is admitting internally that I can stop pretending to be who I wasn't, and externally that thing happens, but my God is bigger.
But God was not done with me. During the conference, God brought to light my addiction issue, the thing is, I have been trying so hard on my own to try to handle this issue. I come up with plans on how to handle them, and these plans seem to work only for a short period of time, and then I go back to my old patterns. The issue of addiction was what I buried myself with for the past 2 years when I had depression, and even after that.
It destroys my relationship with friends, family, and Jesus. Instead of spending time with them, I spent time wasting away. I had a big fight with my dad and was avoiding him for very long, and one of my best friends no longer talked to me. Even when people saw my issue and tried to address it, I refused to acknowledge it was causing problems and refused to talk about it to people or seek help. Everything was just in the dark and kept quiet.
During the conference, God simply told me that it's time to cut all these off, completely. And just like that, this burden was lifted, there was no 10-steps plan that God needed, just His presence was so overwhelming that I can only obey. Just the past few days, I was hanging out with a friend, and for the first time is able to share with someone this struggle that I had and how God brought me through it.
God spoke to me that He is reinstating me back into my ministry and calling. Like Simon Peter in John 21, I found myself living life the old way (get a job, work, try to be good, and die eventually) because I thought my calling can never be achieved now that I have wasted away so much time, and become unworthy to be used. He asked: Do you love me? That was all He needed.
It was not just a simple matter of Jesus wants me to be devoted, it was His grace so abound it caught me off guard. There was no talk about what I did wrong and questions of if I am "fit" for ministry again, and there was no talk about how much He has done for me. He only wanted me.
There is also a revelation that I was attacked so much in the area of relationship precisely because He will use this area to glorify His name. He will restore relationships that have been broken, and He will bring to life the fulfillment of the purpose He gave for my life- which is reaching the children who are lost and in pain.
This week, I attended many interviews, which is crazy because I only applied for jobs the week before the conference, and right during and after the conference I have been receiving emails and calls to interviews. Nothing seems promising so far but I want to give thanks that He has blessed me with these interviews.
Even in the midst of all the blessings, and the community that supports and prays for me. I find myself having to battle thoughts of depression frequently. At times it is frustrating because the company that called me is a scammy MLM company and I wasted money and time to travel there, or when the manager did not look that convinced that they will hire me. But what changes now is that I am able to identify and take captive of these thoughts, and surrender them to Christ.
It has been a while since I updated this blog, and it has also been a long while since I attended a church regularly. Recently I start attending a church called Kingdom City. And it is the most-right(?) (最对的) decision I have made in a while.
It was a long story, and it could be short as well, in short, God lead me. Every single step of the way, He was there.
I guess it started with Val, my awesome (ex-)colleague who invited me to visit her church for a few times since she joined the company. I had so many excuses on why I couldn't go to church, and they were all legit, but inside of me, I knew they were all just excuses that could be easily overcome, I was just unwilling to take the extra step.
After visiting Singapore over a short weekend, I knew I couldn't live with that excuses anymore. During the worship service at Hope, God is simply asking me: isn't this what you want for your life Cassie?
And I couldn't say no to that.
So after coming back from Singapore, I approached Val and said that I want to visit her church that weekend. And you know what, she was about to leave the company already the period of time I asked her. Waoh! It could have easily been another story of "I should have" or "too bad", but God guided me just at the right timing, I think He knew that I needed this and He didn't want me to miss out on where He wants me to be.
During my first time there, I felt totally lost, I was a complete stranger, the message that week wasn't anything charismatic, it was about serving and encouraging people to volunteer in ministries. This is the first time that I go to a church and feel so foreign, now I kinda know how new people feels haha.
But you know what? Right from the beginning, I knew that this is the place where I should be.
During worship, I had so many questions: is this the church I should settle at? should I try to connect to the local Hope at KL? should I visit some other "famous" churches? How can I tell if I should settle at this church? And during worship, I was just so embraced by the Spirit of God at that place that I know that is the answer. There might still be many things I do not know about this church, the way they do things and some of their views might be different, but that all fade to the background the moment I knew that God is with this church.
And so on the same weekend, after spending only 2 hours there, barely knowing anyone, I went and signed-up for the Kids Ministry (it was the Serving week, remember?). Haha. I went to their ministry training last Saturday, and God told me that this will be a season of circumcision. The season of circumcision before marching into Jericho. ( I am pretty sure you can't sense my excitement from across the screen, but I really am very excited on what God is going to do in the coming year.)
As I am typing this, I just came back from a church event called "This is Kingdom City", which basically introduces the church to new comers. It was such a great blessing to be there tonight. First of all, my company used to have a regular weekly meeting on Tuesday nights, so when I first knew about this event, I was not sure if I wanted to go, and after I decided to go, I was thinking that I can just sneaked out before the meeting start (which is kinda a bad testimony by the way). But just last week, my boss announced that from THIS week onward, we will be having the weekly meeting on Monday morning instead! How cool is that, just in time for this week's event ( and tonight I also found out that their Bible study classes are on Tuesday night. Waoh!)
During the event, a video was shown. Towards the end, photos of the 3 cities Kingdom City is currently in flashes across the screen. That split second, something hit me so hard that I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down. God spoke to me: This is my city, these are my people.
So simple, yet more powerful that I have ever imagined it to be. How many times have I failed to see that myself? That Phnom Penh belongs to Jesus, that Kuala Lumpur belongs to Jesus, that Perth belongs to Jesus. Indeed, Kingdom City.
This has been such a humbling 3 weeks for me. In a new place where no one knows who I am, people enfold me as they would a new believer. Explaining to me why going to Connect Group is so important, and me not having the attitude of "yeah yeah, been there, done that". Taking the initiative to help clean up the venue even though I know no one around me, silently picking up the garbage and not expecting a thanks (at most weird glances cuz they have no idea who is this girl who pops out from no where haha). I am learning again how to be a servant of all.
So you might know that I have started a new blog in the hope of becoming a professional blogger. I think it's a really fun thing to try out, and I have been experimenting with the different types of post to put onto the blog. Make-up post has the most view so far.
Then I start to realize how much of my personal life that I have shared with unknown people in the internet over the past few years in this blog. Granted, it's not a high-traffic blog, but still, it feels that I have shared a big part of my life with whoever read this. Just want to say thank you, for being part of the journey. It gets crazy at times.
Wrote a very personal entrance over at my new blog today. Far more personal than anything I have ever posted here, in fact. It feels intimidating, to let unknown faces share that part of my personal self. But still, let's see where that will take me then...
I just read this message that a fan from China wrote.
Ok, some parts of it seems pretty dramatic and exaggerated, but there's really people who live like that. Though I can't agree with how much dependency there is on the idol or bands people worship, yet the hard work these people have for their work is undeniable.
It reminds me of SJ, of how much they cared for their fans, how they treat us like real friends. The car accident of Heechul and Kyuhyun. The passing away of Donghae's father. The drunk incident of Kangin....and so much more.
Haha i then read her blog and guess what?
She is indeed talking about SJ! keke ELF thinks alike i guess ;p
My life and love don't depend on them;
but their life and love warms me.
When you are feeling too tired, you must remember your idol.
That is, the idol whom you were once so crazily in love with. That is, the idol whom you used to memorize their facts faster than memorizing new vocab. That is, the idol whom you used to write about, about how much you love them on your blog. That is, the idol that you are able to type his/her name on the keyboard even with your eyes closed.
You must be thankful, but at the same time clearheaded. When someone forcefully asks you, what on earth made them worthy of you wasting your youth on them, you must tell him. I only gave my most beautiful memory to them, but they gave up more precious stuff than me during that period of youth.
When you are on the field under the hot sun for physical training, you need to remember, your idol once perspired profusely in the practice room for you. When you are sitting in class, with absolutely no interest in the textbook, you need to remember, your idol once, for the rehearsal, hurt his/her vocal cords. When you are sprawling on your bed, complaining about how tough your day was, you need to remember, your idol had to perform on stage for you despite running a high fever, or sitting in a wheelchair.
He is your idol. We might not be on the same land breathing the same air, but we can feel each other. Since he did it, why can't you? when you can't hold on, you must remember your idol?
Running on the track, your ears filled with hot air and unbearable panting. Your friend is at the end point shouting the name of your idol, you must grit your teeth, and you must dash over. He is your destination, he is your strength.
Your secret crush has someone else in mind, and your shy love letter hasn't even been handed over. You lock yourself up in your own room, looking at the posters of him who is still the same, choking up on your tears. Never mind, I still have you, you.
This world, perhaps exist betrayal, escapism, depression and all sorts of unhappiness. As long as you open Twitter every day, and start browsing through his updates. You chuckle; sitting in front of the computer. Remember, that is the real you.
Your idol might have undergone all sorts of incidents, or maybe an accident, even the doctors said there is no hope. Some of the members might have done something wrong, even some fans said they will not love them anymore.
Maybe time has diminished some of his popularity; even those who don't really follow him say he is not popular anymore. Maybe his company never thought of putting in efforts in their promotions, with no intentions of further plans. At that time, at that moment, how did he survive?
Although fans had committed mistakes, idols, too. He has his own shortcomings, problems, or even has many people looking down on him. Although he is not perfect, but you have to be thankful.
When you have your own love, you must remember your idol. After entering adulthood, you finally have your own life. He, too, might already have his own. Be it happy, be it blissful.
That past years of missing lessons to watch his concert, that past years of squeezing in front to buy tickets, that past years of pasting posters all over the wall, that past years of scribbling his name all over the textbooks.
You might have been crazy before, but when you recall those years, you need to be proud, because that is one of a kind, something others don't have.
You protect him, forsaking your own limelight. You devote your love towards him, no longer thinking about other guys, but also at the same time developing rationality and your own perception towards life. Looking at him, from being a teen to adult, with stubby moustache growing out of his cheeks, with wrinkles on his face when he smiles. That is the traces of your love, which has undergone the vicissitudes of life, so thunderous.
So what if you are old, you need to be proud, because you experienced the purifying of time. He stood for you, for you. When he announces that he found his other half. You cried, you teared. Because he has reached the shore, you are finally at ease and assured. The position where you once dreamed of being at, someone has stood there in your place, for you.
So many years, you watched him fall and stand up on his own. You finally feel relieved, that he has shoulders to lean upon. Just that there is a little, just a little tinge of regret. Why, the one giving him happiness is not your own self.
You have to remember your idol. Those years, the person who has been giving you your happiness, rage, sorrow and joy..The one controlling your mind. Even if he no longer appears on the screens of your TV, your hand phone screen still, is filled with memories. Even if his name no longer appears on the fashion magazines, your diary still, is filled with doodles and love.
Seeing how he shines on stage, dancing, standing under the spotlight, talking to us and smiling with a microphone, the way he stands on the steps, crying when he heard the fans singing along, the way he receives the award and look at the cheering crowd, and the first time, seeing him and forgetting about time. No matter where time goes, in your heart, he is always, like that.
You must remember your idol. You once boasted about his good, despite receiving disagreeing looks on the faces of the people around you. Your blog is full of his news, just to let people who understand you, know how blissful it is to like him.
You once quarreled with others because of him. You don't cry when people scold you, throw things at you, but your eyes turn red when someone is just badmouthing them. On what basis, you ask, since they don't understand him, how dare they think they have the rights to criticize them. He is your life. You hid under your blankets, crying, because of him. Having wild thoughts in the middle of the night, how has he been, how was his injuries, what did he meant when he said that. Tired, after a short nap you wake up and continue to love him. You are not afraid of anything, so long as he is there.
Some people in this world might be physically close to you, but can never understand why you like him. You must tell them, the word "fortitude" is not something that can be taught by anyone. And he gave you this precious thing.
So, you must remember your idol.
Dear, since now we are still young. You have to work hard, to become someone worthy of him, to be able to meet him someday, and stand next to him deservingly. You must, must tell him personally. You must tell him that you are thankful that you didn't miss him, in the midst of billion of people. Thank him for his companionship for the past few years, whether be it crying or laughing. You must, deeply, with that choked up voice of yours, carefully, shout his name. -- I used to; love you, that, that, that much.
[Even if time has passed, don't worry, the white-haired me will remember the black-haired you, while loving the white-haired you.]
i always think that human is a multi-layered being where the bad guy is not just the bad guy and the guy who's obsessed with other things as well.
Recently, i am finding it harder and harder to have so many layers to my being. I think it's because all these layers are SO drastically different from each other. I kinda like all the layers i currently have, except my evil twin of course, but i am starting to feel so divided. K-pop me; classical music me; missionary me; adventurous me; shy me; escapism me; lazy me; motivated me; advertiser me; nature me; sfkskfnakehcleckjghslkfcgjhdlkcjwfjwakne
perhaps, it's because i do not have someone who understands more than one or two layers of this complicated mind.
moments like this, 我突然深深地体会到伯牙与子期的情怀。知音。我的身边，真的没有知音吗？除了创造了我、爱着我的神之外，真的一个也没有了吗？
God told me i need to make Him my life support, not my ministry help or financial genie. I guess that makes sense.
Right after i said yes, things just start to happen, by things i mean unpleasant things.
I am thankful, really. If not for the intensity of tiredness and stress that I haven't felt for such a long time, I would have forgotten this basic truth that is so simple but so hard to live by.
People ask me how to depend on Him more, how to rely on Him, how to hear from Him, how to know their purpose in life etc...
There's really no short cuts, no formulas.
I am glad i took the time and effort to join the Ripple Conference this year (10 March 2012). I have this secret little dream that is too big for me and i've actually never give up on it all along. So i am really comforted when pastor prayed for me and said that God will send me a team of like-minded people to do this very unique ministry together.
I guess i got so many "good luck to that man." kind of response along the way that i have not even considered the possibility of other people having the same kind of passion and burden as me, because i doubt if it could even be done, what more asking other people to join me in this.
Really thankful, I am excited to meet my team members one day! :)
I told yingjie about my tiredness and escapism-into-shows-and-dramas tendency.
and then she told me something that blew my mind away, it was something that have not crossed my mind. like, waoh.
she said: "why not you fast from it?"
it's amazing how deceitful my mind and my heart can be. haha, that it didn't occur to me that "trying to control" is not going to work until i resolve to prioritize what are important in my life.
so..with much reluctance, i replied "ok, i'll try" to my buddy.
after putting down the phone, a thought came to my mind "ok God, i will try to do this. But first, tonight let me finish watching that few episodes i've been dying to watch."
almost immediately, another thought replaced that thought: "but the man said to Jesus, Lord, first let me go and bury the dead. Lord, first let me go home and do this. and Jesus replied: you come and follow me".
inside the cramped mrt, this verse came as a shock. Waoh, i never realized how much i sounded like the follower of Jesus back in the days.
and that moment i also knew, since He spoke to me so clearly already. Now i have a choice, i either follow Him or i don't.
this little episode could have ended with me being full of faith and committing to God right there and then. but the funny thing is, our human intellect never fails to provide us with legitimate sounding excuses.
after i reached home and switched on my comp, the thought that came to my mind were: "hmm, how long should i fast? indefinitely? can't be right? hmm, how about i fast from monday to saturday and only watch on sunday? (oh, today is sunday by the way). or how about i only stop watching the shows and dramas but still listen to their music? hmm concert videos are not shows and dramas right?"
after having all these thoughts, i realized i just have to stop thinking bout them. Seriously, it is that hard for me to stand firm in this seemingly small decision.
my little episode reminded me of another instance whereby a man also said he need to do something first before following God, and he was actually commended for it. He's Elisha.
soooooo, what's the difference between the followers of Jesus from Matt 8 and Elisha? Reflecting on my own heart attitude, i realized that me and the followers were trying to find excuse in order to not do what God called us to do, whereas Elisha requested to do those things so that he can follow God completely.
i believe that obeying God is a process - a process whereby whenever we are tempted to go the other direction, we make the decision again that whatever the cost maybe, we will obey God because it is going to be worth it.
i foresee that my creative mind will be able to give to myself many more excuses, so i am typing this out. Making my private decision public, and be accountable :)
(to end this on a lighter note) bye boys, i will miss you T^T i am not sure when will i see you again.
I imagined Him saying the words with so many different tones before, but i was so far from the truth.
"The Lord was grieved that he had made men on the earth, and His heart was filled with pain. So the Lord said: 'I will wipe mankind, whom I have create, from the face of the earth - men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air- for I am grieved that I have made them.'"
I imagined Him saying it with authority; with sternness; with anger...
but, He was grieved.
just like me grieving, He also said the hard truth with grief.
there's many things that i do not understand, but for now, it is enough that i understand Him a little bit more, it is enough that we are grieving together.
Some says the world is going to end. I say if it's going to end anyway, why spend all the time worrying about it while letting the present slipped past you?
It was a hectic month of December. Seen a lot, felt a lot, questioned a lot. Yet, it seems like there's more questions left unanswered.
Very grateful that I went Myanmar. The near impossibility and the enormousness of the work yet to be done in Myanmar made me walk away feeling like a tourist. Now that i think about it, perhaps it's because i actually do not know what can someone as small as me do in front of this huge giant, that i became a bystander - still giving my best but not taking the ownership.
The gigantic Shwe Dagon makes me feel puny. I cannot imagine standing in front of such an enemy and trying to bring it down.
But, somehow i know it can be done. Just that i lack the faith to believe that i can be the one doing it.
Somehow also, i know that this year will be very crucial for me. My level of faith will be the turning point for many things in my life.
I am sorry if you are reading this and this makes no sense to you. Perhaps, this time, typing this out is sincerely an act to help myself rather than the readers.
Fasting for the coming few weeks. To ask for greater wisdom and direction, to prepare my heart for mission trip, and simply because i want to...
Since it's the exam season, i am back in exam HQ again after missing out on the action for...this whole year? haha, since i spent the first half of the year in zoo.
the thing is, it's exam and everyone inevitably eat together for every single meal. i will reject these and receive a lot of "but why?", then there will be other people saying because i ate too much snacks just now or i want to save money etc.
i dunno, i just don't like telling people that i am fasting. it invites look of i-dunno-how-to-describe from other people. also dislike the feeling that someone who is fasting is "more spiritual", well, i am not. and don't like to be labeled as that as well.
4.56pm, third day into exam period. and i am starting to plan for my post-exam to-do list. haha.
Daddy, your children gave me money again. I casually put it into my bag, while being speechless once again. I forgot about it after one day, it's only till last night that i casually took it out. Only then i realized the amount they have given me. The amount is beyond my comprehension. Daddy, actually, i know, i am not that good and angelic. i am humbled once again.
Today is my twenty-second birthday. When the clock reached 12am last night, I was filled with a lot of emotions. Mostly gratitude.
I think for the most part, my life is not perfect, yet, there are still many things i am grateful for. Even though my life has not been the best, yet, there's still so much blessings i have received that i know i do not deserve.
Want to say thank you.
Daddy & Mummy: Thanks for loving me and providing for me. It has not been easy supporting my education, but you persevere and believe in me. Thank you for understanding my decision to follow God, though you may not have the full picture yet, i hope that one day you will, then you will understand why it is the best decision i have ever made in my life. You are not the most expressive person on this earth, but i remembered all those moments when you asked me to take care of myself and just go and pursue my dreams without worrying the financial part of it.
Nick & William: Thanks for being my brothers. Life has not been easy on us, we are all too stubborn at time and will say things that hurt each other, but i know that at the end of the day, you will always stand by me. I remembered the time when you guys really hated one of my ex-boyfriend, you guys were so protective over me, and actually, i am very touched. Thank you for loving me and always looking up to me as you big sister, i hope that my life has inspired you.
Bell: thanks for being my friend, thanks for loving my parents more than i do. thanks for considering me before yourself. I love how we still are so close to each other even though we are miles apart and sometimes i hardly call you once in a few months. If life were to go my way, i would have loved to have you close to me so that we can still talk and laugh together. But it's ok, there's something in life that you know will just last till the day we die.
Yanyu: Thanks for being my friend, my course mate, my leader, my shepherd, my fyp mate. Thanks for listening to me when i grumbled and whined about things, thank you for understanding, thank you for always pointing me back to the truth, thank you for your rebuke, thank you for looking out for me and always blessing me with the little things in life. If you are north, i will be south, we are so radically different, but i am grateful of how you look past my flaws and care for me despite the difficulties at times. Actually, the thing i am most grateful for is you asking me the question on whether i want to receive Christ, twice.
Doris: Thanks for being my roomie. I know i am not the best roomie anyone can ask for, but thanks for tolerating with me and letting me know how i can improve. i am thankful that you have came to Singapore and now i can see you everyday. Life is so consuming that at times it feels like we are a couple who don't speak to each other anymore, but i hope you know that i do care and want to be the best roomie that one can have.
Hui Yi: Thank for being sheep. I am often time very encouraged by your growth in God. i am thankful as well that you are someone who is obedient and live out what has been placed in your heart. I remembered the overflowing joy in my heart the day when you were water baptised, nothing beats the joy of knowing another person is having a personal relationship with God. Thank you for your love shown through your own way, i actually feel loved everytime you strangled me in public, because i know that's how you love. I am thankful that although we have different personalities, we worked it out and didn't give up on each other. I am grateful that in this relationship, not only have you grown, but me too.
Qian Ru: thanks for being someone i can turn to in moments of weakness. thanks for accepting all my flaws and wrongs with grace. Thanks for always blessing me by treating me to food. I know that i have not been the easiest person to lead, but i am thankful that you did not give up on me, and i'm thankful that you are always there if ever i run into troubles. I am honored to have you in my life.
Xing Dan: thanks for being in my lg and encouraging me whenever i need it the most. you are a miracle that happened to me this year, i was so happy when you came to know God a few months ago, because i understood your loneliness, and i know that now that you have God in you, everything won't be the same anymore. i am thankful for the friendship we have, especially those times when we had the leisure of cooking together over the weekend, i really really hope that we can cook again soon. Thank you for giving me this chance to speak into your life, thank you for giving me your trust, it means a lot to me.
Ying Jie: Thanks for being my best friend. i am thankful for those times that you listened to my ranting and just be there for me even when you have no wise solution for me. thank you for always caring and praying for me. i am most grateful for all the exam seasons we have been through together, it's very encouraging to have someone who's fighting alongside me. I know we'll get to the end together someday.
Kok Siong: Thanks for always helping me to move house despite it not being very convenient for you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and moments with me vulnerably. Thanks for being a sincere friend who care how i am doing. i am grateful that i am serving along side you as we will be able to build each other up along the way.
Tracy: Thanks for being in my life, as a friend, a leader, ex-roomie and fellow advertising peep. Thank you for your wise counsel and willingness to accept my flaws. I am grateful for this chance to serve with you and to learn form you, and to get to know you better as a friend. I am grateful for all the blessings you have shown to me. Thankful for your thoughtfulness and understanding, thank you for the listening ears and willingness to guide me even when you were busy at times.
Zach: Thanks for being my friend, thanks for all the care and concerns over my fyp. Thanks for the prayers. i am thankful that our friendship continues after you graduated. I am grateful for all the little blessings you have given. Thanks.
God: They say we keep the best for the last. That's why i decided to dedicate the last post to you. Thanks for coming into my heart a few years ago, the moment when i found you, somehow, something deep inside me just know that everyone may fall away, but you will never let me go. Thank you for looking me with all my flaws and sins and wrong, and yet love me all the more. i am thankful that you have never given up on me, thankful that you are always there, that you will never leave me nor forsake me. i am thankful that even before anyone in this world know me and love me, you already did. i am thankful that you have remained with me even while i have fallen away at times. i am thankful that you know me through and through and love me through and through. thank you for loving me before you love yourself, thank you for being the one that i can go to unashamedly every time. Thank you for giving me little surprises along the way, like a rainbow, a beautiful sunset, or people along my path. Thank you for showing me the bigger picture i can claim as my own. Thank you for coming into the darkest corner of my heart and showing me that you do not despise that part of me, that you care more than i know, that you feel the pain and is hurt just as i am. Thank you for walking with me, bringing me up when i no longer have the strength to do so. Thank you for being the most beautiful thing that has ever happened in my life. Now i live knowing that apart from you i am nothing. You know that you'll have me forever, no matter what happens, no matter what other people say. It's you and me against the world. Thank you.
I started the day with a new understanding for the word "priesthood", and its high relevance to the word "intercede".
I ended the day with a new understanding for the word "intercede", and its high relevance to the word "intervene".
What a liberating Truth i learn today. Prayer is not pettily wishing for something to happen, it is the claiming and proclamation of the victory we already have in Christ.
I shall proclaim that FYP will be finished victoriously!
