::Dinner::

[pardon my not so organized thoughts, weird sentence structure and grammar mistakes.]

I had dinner with yang chao just now, ended up we talked for 2 and a half hour~

Our topic flied from school to holidays to new year to seasons to society to discrimination to identity to escapism to collectivism to individualistic to childhood to love to happiness to purpose of life to books to literature....etc.... It was nice to chat on and on..we finally went to our own room when they closed the lights of the canteen.

There's 2 things that i remember the most from our conversation:

He told me that he just learned this new concept of escapism, and how zai nan zai nv in China feel that they are happier that way..so why not we let people be if they can be happier that way? isn't it better? Something just struck me, how the pattern of this world is evolving to suit the Kingdom of Darkness better. It's also the same thing that struck me while in my lecture just now.

We live in a digitalized world, yes, technology has benefited us in a huge way, but slowly, the ugliness of internet has shown its true color. Despite the advancing of technology, we are actually still in an age that doesn't differ much to the era before industrial revolution where knowledge means power, and the more power we had, the more knowledge we want in order to secure the existing power we had and to gain more and more. Everything is an ugly cycle that is repeating itself, disguising under different names, whether The Church or The Internet, the end goal? Selfishness.

But what's different now is that this ugly cycle has up it's level, it no longer compete with the Kingdom of Light using human only, now it involves inventions of human- non-living things to advance its purpose. The Mighty Internet, eliminated limitation in Speed, Space, Storage [amount of info we are able to hold in our hands]...ultimately, it's gonna eliminate community.

The more speed we have now, the faster even we want things to be done, and this is what the Devil's gonna offer to us- the shortcut; the easy way out; why wait?..

It will be a sad day when we replace our loved ones with a screen or a webcam [wait, is it what we are doing now already?]. The easy way out will promise us names on facebook wall that will not break our hearts, we do not need to talk to a person, we do not need to look at their annoying attitudes, but yes, we can still be friends...at what cost?...We will be just taking all the good things while ignoring the hard part of a relationship that actually will bring us the greater reward.

This questions will keep seducing us with its promise of instant reward and happiness, it will knock on our door and ask us: this is not something bad right?

But you know, life is about taking that risk, the risk of getting heart broken and misunderstood, because with it comes greater reward: the life to the fullest that can only be lived out in a true community, not just a community where everyone is happy and just the way "I want them to be"...A community with emotions; with ups and downs; with shoulders for support and hugs for comfort...real human life..not an imaginary life most of us now live with our friends in the form of a facebook photo.

There's this term in Christianity called "excommunicate", it's basically to kick an unrepentant believer out of the fellowship of the church, my prof said something interesting about this, he said that we are basically "excommunicating" ourselves with the use of internet, it's so true! by expressing our emotions through facebook n blogging instead of talking it through with people, we are really excommunicating ourselves from people who love us, at the same time we are excommunicating them from our lives as well.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying the internet is the ultimate evil that we need to defeat, i'm blogging now aren't I?..what I'm saying is that have we reach a point whereby we do not even be our true self anymore in reality? Do we only dare to express ourselves when we don't need to see people face to face? Do we tuck ourselves away in the comfort zone of internet where we can choose who to be our friends in virtual reality because it's easier than handling the emotions you faced with your parents or friends?

You see, the internet comes to our rescue, promises to save us from the heartbreaks we face from people, giving us the easy way out..and it is very hardworking in making sure that the easy way of the World will be more and more easier- to lure us unto that path.

Looking at the Aurora is awesome, but if in our lifetime we're just gonna be satisfied at looking at a photo without taking the risk to actually go there ourselves, the experience of seeing an Aurora in it's fullest glory will never be ours, and all we can do is imagine in the comfort of our own home how it must be like to stand underneath there, even if for just 5 minutes.

Ultimately, the life to the fullest is freely given to people who not only believe, but also dare to take the risk to really trust and to act upon that trust despite circumstances. Aurora is always there, but it's up to us to take the risk to go and claim it.

Another point that we discussed is on the topic of romantic relationship, he was telling me how romance and love is produced by hormones, it will die down after 3 years. So what should people do after that? Divorce is not good right? then should use law to bind people together? should we emphasis on loyalty instead of love? and there's this drama where the character leave each other to have a break in the relationship and decide that if after 3 years they still love each other then it would be true love and they should be together.

I told him that I belief the concept of what love is is different for everyone, and surely distorted by many, but i truly belief that there is an underlying value of what love is that will be agreed universally, because when God made us, He did so with Love, so surely it is there, perhaps it's just too deep for us to comprehend it completely, but at the same time the universal cry and longing for it is so deep that people can't stand any moment waiting to figure out what it is, that's why we chose to take matters into own hands and take the easy way instead.

As for the hormones of love that dies after 3 years, i told him i belief that love is more than hormones. People tends to glorify the romantic relationship shared by two partners in love, but I belief that it is the same kind of love that parents have for their children as well.

If the excitement and joy a mother first found out that she's pregnant is parallel to the first date, then the pregnancy will be parallel to the dating process, so after 3 years..the child starts to be very naughty, break everything in the house, is a mother who loves her child gonna abandon the child? Likely no right? So what gave us the right to tell our husband or wife that we are sick and tired of them already, that they are not good enough for us anymore?

A first time mum who don't know how to take care of her naughty kid is not gonna "divorce" him just because of it if she loves him, she's gonna do everything she can to love her child, she's gonna learn new things to teach her child, she's gonna protect her child even if others scolded her child to be naughty and she knew it to be true, she's gonna nurture her child and give him the best that she can provide.

A lot of times we forgot that this love should be the same that we hold in other relationships. Instead of searching for the easiest way, it should be protected and nurtured. What is her "secret" to loving her child despite everything? She see herself in the child, she knows by all her heart that first and foremost he is hers, this simple fact is more important than him being naughty.

A mother will lay down her life for the child. When we proclaim we love someone, are we ready to protect and nurture? are we ready to see them as our own loved ones?

Are we ready to lay down our life?

One day a long long time ago, a father choose to take a path that many other questions to protect and love his children, he spent many years in disguise trying to approach his children, no matter how naughty and how many times they doubted him. One day, he laid down his life for his children, many other questions this decision also, but the father wouldn't have it any other way, because he loves his children, even if they were naughty.

That, is my Father. He has loved me for more than 3 years, it has been 21 years in fact.
And I can't wait for many more years together with Him.

::Virtual::

I'm in communication studies. And studying this in this era means 50% of your modules and what your prof talks about will be about the magical wonder tool called "Internet"

I read a few articles on christianitytoday.com recently that talks about this topic as well.

[http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/communitylife/evangelism/churchvirtually.html]
[http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/january/20.14.html]

Seems like everywhere i turn i just see people discussing about Facebook and blogging and on and on...

This is usually where i will start sharing how i feel about this trend and [try to] write some wise stuff, well, i have none of those..obviously everything that can be talked about regarding this topic has already be talked about. and obviously those super eloquent writers out there express it way better than me.

Just wanna take myself as a case study.haha. Personally, facebook is quite dominating in my life. When i went online, first thing i'll do is check email, after that facebook, after that blogs.. i have definitely benefited from all these platforms: keeping in touch with my friends that's overseas [real life personal friend, not random strangers that we tend to anyhow add online], get to know someone better, strength of weak ties..blah blah blah..

But you know what, no matter how powerful msn or facebook is.. They can never replace face to face communication. Non-verbal communication is way more important important than what most people take it to be, even skype or webcam cannot replace face to face communication.

I remember seeing my friend at orchard after 2 years. I tell you, no matter how much we chat on msn or webcam or write something on each others wall, NOTHING, absolutely no virtual interaction during those 2 years can replace the half an hour we spent talking face to face.

::First::

First day of school. That's why i think it deserves a post.

Yr2 Sem2

Waoh, i am a sophomore =p

Ok, i shall recount the day like writing a composition for my UPSR.haha..

Woke up at 8.11am today, i was determined to get to the library before lecture starts to borrow my textbook. Glad i make it! Turns out Liting n Michelle Er are taking the same module as well =) yeah i'm not alone.

Think i'm so used to going to 99% of the classes by myself already, it's good to have a bit more company for a change. Dunno lerh, am i passive or too busy? seems like i don't have much "social life", or "weak link" going on here, those weak links are very powerful you know..

After that i got to HQ, spent some time there, had lunch with Guo Feng, Corinna, Guan Rui and Hong Yao..Hearing Guan Rui talked about his recent trip to Cambodia got me thinking bout lotsa things..

I went to WKW after that, the renovation works going on there makes the place totally unrecognizable. The dust and the noise are not the worst part actually...the worst part is the color of the doors!! Oh gosh!! Who the hack decided to put that color on all the doors in our lovely school??? IT's like a very dull purpish-pink sorta color..not flattering at all...oh well, maybe i have high degree of uncertainty avoidance, so that's why the change throws me off my feet.

I nearly fall asleep in the lecture...zZzZ...

Well, at least i finally have a module that's gonna use clicker..haha..yah i haven't touch that thing before..think the prof in our school prefer to do it the traditional way-- the hum test..haha

At least the class ended one hour earlier...went to library after that to sit down and study for next week's chapter cuz i decided not to buy book this sem..spent close to one hour reading through chapter 2..[i later realize that chp 2 is not in the syllabus T-T]

Went to HQ after that, quite bored and tired, so just sat there and chat randomly with Kuang Ting, jeek, Kok Siong n DeSouza....

I was contemplating bout skipping my earthlink meeting just now, in the end i still went for it, just feel like it is my responsibility and no matter how much i think it's a waste of time i still need to honor my commitment...[turn out it wasn't a total waste of time]

I also realized just now i cannot change my MajorPE into UE...oh well...

Feel defeated today..seems like making wrong decisions here and there...chestnut isn't cooperating with me too..

Let my heart dropped when it shouldn't have

::Resolution::

I came across this online, find it quite amusing, at the same time i'm reminded by the many times i have neglected the simplest thing just because i think i have "more important things" to do.

::Year::

365 days; Another year has passed me by.

I remember i ended 2008 with a high mood, toasting for 2009 ahead, anticipating where the wind will blow me to.

Well, i never thought the wind would blow me to such a dramatic year of 2009.

It ended with a low note, now for 2010 ahead, i dunno where the wind would blow me to, but, i wish it can be less dramatic bah...hmm..but is tat what i really want? a feel-nothing-live-like-this year??

Actually, i don't really want that kind of life as well.

Today, The NewPaper's front page is someone saying his new year resolution is "To Live". What's mine?

Actually, now that i come to think of it,i would rather have another dramatic year than a feel-nothing-live-like-this year...I just want a better year...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week was quite busy with the performance rehearsal for Uni-YA anniversary dinner.

30 Dec is definitely the worse day of the month..Having stomach cramp and calf cramp and near heart cramp...

Thankfully it's all recovering now..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exam results were out on 30 dec actually, but i was so reluctant to check cause i don't want it to spoil me new year mood, so initially i planned to check only on next week...well...i gave in to peer pressure at last and checked my result just now..

It's so-so i would say, quite happy actually cuz don't have any C..was quite happy also to hear about the results of other people..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today is the first day of the year. Is the wind changing already? Haven't smell it yet.

Goodbye 2009..all the good and bad; ups and downs; tears and laughter...You'll be memories in my heart..I need to box you in already. need to make room for better things moving in. It's all over now.

=)

::Boxing::

It's the day after Christmas. Boxing Day!!

I've always wonder what it exactly means.

haha, if you're a curiosity cat like me then can go educate yourselves bah~
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boxing_Day

Seems like a lot has happened since my last post.

Last Sun [20/12]


i went to volunteer at Hope Tots with Hui Min and Steve. It's such a wonderful experience!! Hope i can have the chance to be a full volunteer there. =) After that i went to Suntec to listen to the caroling. Christmas songs never fail to bring a smile to my face, even if my mood was down..it's like ice-cream!!



Tues [22/12]



it's was yanyu's bday =) a few of us went to visit MV Doulos at Vivo there. It's my 1st time on board the ship in Sg, 3rd time in my life i think.
Love how the crew greeted everyone with a big smile and tried to be as helpful as possible. After i parted with everyone i silently stroll back to the deck there and just sat in front of the ship, in front of a beautiful sunset [with all the construction works going on].. I needed some time to be alone, to sit around people whom i do not know...


Went to meet Annie after that at Dhoby Ghaut, so glad for the time spent just chatting, catching up, having silly girl talk..and ice-cream!!! ice-cream is my comfort food. We went to orchard central after dinner, the view at lvl 11 and lvl 12 are so nice! i just hope there is no one around, love to feel the wind in my hair, the breeze that sweeps across my face. It's indeed my personal "silent night" in the midst of all the HooHah going on at the street just 11 levels below.

Wed [23/12] Went to SMU to meet up with my gang for the performance, happy for this chance to contribute my ideas for this celebration, had a good laugh also cuz i sat beside Ben Tay.haha. Went to meet Liting with YingJie at Bugis, we went to the MOF there and shared a ice-cream sundae, haha, cuz the rest of the stuff are too expensive for us, oh, we also got a pot of free green tea also, haha, so the table didn't look that empty.

One thing we talked about leave a deep impression in my heart, Liting said churches nowadays seems like too kua zhang, music and what not, shouldn't church be strict or stuff like that? [Ya, indeed, it seems like a lot of people are getting confused by the different christian denominations going on..a search on the net says that there might be as many as 23,000 Protestant denominations worldwide!!!!] I just told her that it's like having a house and keep changing the tv or the deco of your house, at the end of the day, it's not the style of the house that makes your house your home, but rather, the people you love that's living in it. Doesn't really matter how many times you move house of whatever, but the most important thing is your family.

Thurs [24/12] it's my first time serving as usher in a combine event. My experience?---Painful-Sweet...Painful cause the evil pairs of heels that nearly make me bleed, sweet cause it's a wonderful christmas experience =) i met an uncle that insist of chopping seats for his caregroup member, he's about the age of my dad, he's as dark and talkative as my dad too! haha...the only different is---he has a zeal for God... I didn't do anything for anyone this christmas, no cards no presents..only some sms that i mean it form the bottom of my heart, thanks for all that has taken your precious time to remember me on this christmas season, thank you for making me so surprised and loved:

• Liting
  
• Timothy Yeo Zi Min
• Zachary Alexander Lee Shao Ren
• Tracy Goh Hui Hui
• Justinna Lim
• Qinny Pei
• Ong Eng Seng
  

i think i cried a lot this christmas, over the simple truth that God really loves me a lot...He is so perfect that it makes me feel so assured and secured...yet how can i still fail him time and again? how can i still didn't trust Him enough?

Fri [25/12]


i went out with kok siong and kok weng for our small christmas dinner, went to eat botak jones and then ice-cream at Udders. Simple dinner but appreciated it cause at least i don't have to be alone on christmas, think it'll be horrible if i spent my first christmas in Singapore locked in room eating maggi alone T,T

Sat[26/12]

Went to visit Mv Doulos again with Kok Siong n Gerard. Today is the last day of Doulos! I'll miss it! there's an open house there, me n ks took a few funny photos. We bought two books there. I wanted to eat the one-dollar road-side ice-cream so much!! haha cause didn't eat it on tuesday cause that day everyone is like keep walking so fast..i decided agaist it lastly and drank sugar cane instead, cause i'm having a minor sore throat today.
__________________________________________________

It has been an eventful week no doubt, but somehow it feels as if a huge chunk of dunno what has been taken away.....................

::Me::

somehow i have a lot of friends, but more than one of my closest friend have approached me and say they don't really see the real me..like i'm always trying to please everyone, always ok, always strong, always smiling...

i look at my blog..and i realized they are so right.

you wanna know who i am?

i am forgetful, it's unbelievable the stuff i tend to forget, even the most precious memories sometime can be forgotten and need several reminders for me to recall them again.

i love the nature, i can sigh in adoration in front of the falling leaves, i can cry in amazement at the sunset, i can scream in excitement the moment i see a cute animal, i feel trapped in singapore because i cannot go to the beach as and when i want, i can stare at the night sky with stars for hours.

i am lazy, i actually don't mind not showering for one night, i cook maggi and don't feel like washing the bowl, i just wanna sleep the day away sometimes.

i am insecure, i have a tendency to silently compare myself to other people and grade myself in comparison to them, i try to attract attention cause i think if i don't no one would ever notice me, i always pick up a call with the expectancy that someone would scold me and say i am not good enough, i'm scared of people leaving me cause one day they might realize that i am actually not good enough.

i am rebellious, if there's a sign that says "Danger:DO NOT COME NEAR", i would most probably go near.

i love the color purple, but i will go "awhh" in front of spectrum of colors.

i am good at massaging, i love to give people massages cause i think i'm lousy at giving wise counsel or comfort.

i cry uncontrollably when i thought of or heard of people that pass away. even if it's someone i don't know. i remembered hiding inside my room to tear silently when i first saw the news of 911 on tv that night.

i sometimes use words and actions sub-consciously or consciously expecting people to respond the way i want, in other words, manipulation.

do you want to know more?

then come nearer to see the real me.

i am always me. just different side of me sometimes.