::Narnia::

Had a stay over with my little "circle of trust". We watched Narnia 1 to 3 together. The scene i remembered the most was the one when Lucy went into the forest to look for Aslan, and suddenly the flowers dance around her, and the tree came to life and made a path for her, one look at the path and any idiots will know that this must be leading to something good. Sure enough, Aslan was waiting for her at the end of that path.

It reminded me of the verse: God will make your path straight.

The most important thing of that straight and narrow path is this: He, the sum of all beauty and love, will be there with me.

This is the reason i walked that path.

::Work::

It's the second week of work. Apart from the animals in the zoo, there's nothing much exciting going on..
hmm..let me see..the most fun i had was folding the letters into two, then peel off the sticky thing on the envelope and then put the letter in, and seal it....

oh yah, i pushed the trolley and pretended there's a baby sitting on it.

God, please show me why am i here.

::Jam::

My brain is having traffic jam.

i really don't have the time to sit down and summarize every single thing that has been happening lately, that's because there's no break in between the things.

Went to STM at Jemara straight after Christmas (which was itself straight after exam), and after i came back, i started my internship with only one day break in between. (spent the day lying on bed feeling tired and watched some dramas to compensate for my lack of holiday). All in all, it's like so many happenings that should have taken longer to happen, but somehow, dunno why, they all happened in one shot.

I really want to write down every single thing, but for now, i shall settle on writing about the first day of my internship (cuz this is the easiest to write.)

I spent half of the day memorising the terms and conditions of different types of zoo membership packages, the other half of the day cross-checking application forms and the database. In conclusion, if you want to kill your dreams and destroys your purpose in life, do this for one month.

But i do believe that i won't be doing this for that long..a few days at most? I am hoping that it will kill off all those selfish dreams of mine, who knows, all this dream-killing might turn out for the better good.

Apart from that, all my colleagues seem quite nice, i was sick today so i probably looked like a totally hopeless intern in front of them, don't think i contributed much, but slowly bah, things will pick up along the way i think :)...And the office is literally stuffed with stuffed animals, i have pictures of giraffes swimming in my head now. Personally, my favorites are the flamingos and the orang utans (i mean the soft toys).

The best part about working in zoo?

The ANIMALS :D

Today i saw quite a few animals that I've never seen in my life, i'm taking my time slowly to explore every small corner of the zoo. Saw the white tiger, babirusa, tapir, kangaroo (do you know that they never stop growing?!), emu, pygmy hippo, warthog (man they are smelly!) , baby peacock (they were roaming around right outside my office).

The best part of the day?

Today i saw the most beautiful sunset in Singapore ever since i came here 2 and a half years ago. A big big lake, and the sun with orange clouds, with nothing in between (like literally no building at all.)...thanks Jesus for the first day gift :)

I know it's from Him because only Him always gives me unexpected gifts that is the best.

Went to Sing Africa event, 2 things encourages me the most:

1, the people from Hope Kenya

2, the people from Hope Singapore

i love the song one of the brother has composed by himself (sorry, i honestly can't remember the name ;p)...simple and sweet...i love the sharing that is sincere and sweet (basically, everythins is sweet.)

i am encouraged by the people form Hope Singapore as well, for being hospitable and caring, but most of all, for having the hearts to go and do missions and plant churches, frankly, sometimes i thought that i am the only one with all these crazy ideas in my head, lately, after interacting with more people, i realized that i am not the only one that's "crazy" around here, and it's very comforting to know that :)

The reflection of the day: as i walk around zoo wearing my staff badge, people started asking me questions, as if i know, but i guess it make sense, it's like if i am wearing the badge, it's as if somehow i SHOULD know everything and anything about the zoo and be prepared to answer any question, well, at least that's how i've treated hotels staff, teachers, doctors, etc, all those that wear that shiny little thing called badge.

The funny thing is, it doesn't take a genius to know that wearing a badge doesn't make you an encyclopedia. Yet we all go on expecting it.

Personally, i think it's a valuable lesson to be learnt at both ends.

As ambassador of Christ, am i prepared to go out there in "Christ's Disciple" badge and handle every single question and expectation that might come my way? yes, sometimes they are unreasonable, but am i ready to handle them? After all, even if asking an advertising student about zoology is unreasonable, it doesn't mean that i cannot go and read up on zoology so that i can be prepared to answer the next excited tourist.

On the other hand, do i have enough grace and love to see that my leaders, my shepherd and my brothers and sisters are not "know-it-all"? we are all, after all, still living in this side of the heaven. sometimes we think to ourselves : don't tell me they don't even know what this verse means?....why cant' he get what i'm trying to say here?...so how shepherd? so how?...i thought leaders should be better that what i am seeing now?....

Let's have less excuses and more diligence;

Let's have less planks and more grace.

::End::

Today marks the end of exam, not much big deal really, compared to the rest of the stuff going on.

I dunno if i'm slow or what, but i just realized today that i will have no holiday AT ALL this time around, but doesn't matter! i wouldn't trade it for anything else.

It's just quite intimidating, that's all.

the thought of working full time for the next 6 months starting from next next week. Don't really know what to expect, and i really hope that i can utilize the next sem apart from going from project to project.

i am like a shifting shadows, and i changes, a lot.

just recently, i decided not to go into advertising after all, there's just this aura that i couldn't quite pen down until today. As i was sitting in the exam hall taking my advertising exam, it suddenly dawn on me, like a revelation.

I don't like advertising cuz most of the time your hard work is not equivalent to your result. so what if you are diligent and hardworking? so what if you stay up all night to think of ideas? at the end of the day, if it's not accepted, then it's nothing, just another piece of paper to be thrown away. Well, of course no one will discredit the hard work one has to put in for every single ad, it's just that, the whole thing seem so not....fair...

yah, i know,i am a childish person to still be thinking that it would be fair in the working world. me being childish is not equivalent to it being good though.

just now was reading the book Experiencing God, one thing i realize i've been doing more- planning, one thing i've been doing less- praying. This is totally not good. It's not really about this one best or that one best, and the end of the day, even if it's best in everyone's eyes, what good is it if it's not what God wants me to do?

"What good would Abraham have done by telling God how he was planning to take a survey of Sodom and Gomorrah and go door-to-door witnessing the day before God was going to destroy the cities?"

totally loving the analogy.

it's not WWJD, but rather, What Does Jesus Wants Me To Do?

As it marks the end of year 3 semester 1 for me, it also marks the end of my school life with the nbs peeps forever. yah, my RB told me at the beginning of this sem that i should treasure this sem cuz it will be the last we'll have together as school mates.

have i treasured this sem well?

asi asi

::Negative::

i started this blog with a secret wish of keeping it positive, to blog about the better things and blessings in life and not just a ranting of my emo-ness like what most people do.

but tonight, just once, please allow me to be weak as well. I'm just human, and an emo one tonight.

nothing bad happened to me, in fact, i am constantly blessed by a lot of things.

it's a mixture of so many things that i dunno what am i feeling anymore.

usually, when i am truly emo, i'll run and hide, i'll escape, i'll refuse to face the world.

so, perhaps it's not that bad tonight.

it's just that i felt crippled...by my inability to love.

something happened to a dear friend of mine today, but i didn't know what to do.

and as i was staring into thin air thinking what to do, i realized how long it has been since i last had a good chat with her.

i realized..i really dunno what to say or do..

it felt like there's nothing i can say or do that will help...

i overheard (ok, i eavesdrop) the conversation of 3 old ladies on the train today. they started talking about their family, A said that ever since the parents died, there's very little among the siblings, she went on to talked about her brother that died. B talked about her sister who's staying with her cause got no where to go and her brother's family don't like her sister. C talked about how it has been years since they gathered with their good friends.

waoh, i've thought about my parents dying before, but not my own siblings.

waoh, will my family become like that? broken after the death of my parents?

waoh, in this wide wide world, will i lose contact with people i treasured forever?

but actually, i'm seeing these unfolding in my own life.

i don't really know most of my cousins, and after my grandparents passed away, we didn't really gather anymore, who don't like who all those kinda thing.

i once had a close friend that became my ex-close friend after a misunderstanding, i don't really know how is she now, i missed those times when we joked about becoming "shao nai nai".

for the few past relationships that i have had, i lost contact with almost all of them, how are they doing now? if only we can still be friend.

i haven't seen some of my best friends for years already, i really miss them.

i missed those times where everything is simpler.

though i would not trade my life now for anything else.

life,

it's filled with things out of our control.

relationship.

what a weird thing.

it seems as if our whole existence is defined by it.

family and friends- apparently all human relationship fall into these two categories.

why two? are there really so many different type of love? how do we know which one is which? is there a framework to define what kind of "love" we're having for different people at any one point of time?

family- years to be like friends.

friends- yearns to be like family.

why?

why do i feel sad when i dunno what's going on in my friends' lives?

why is it important to know anyway?

why do i feel sad when i only get to know what happened in the lives of people i see frequently through blogs or other people?

why do i not know what to do when i wanna care for other people?

why does it hurt me when other people are the one troubled?

why didn't i just go and ask what's going on when i really wanted to know?

why did i turned around and act as if i don't care?

on the other hand, why do i go on pretending when i'm not?

standing under the moon light and the stars,

i lean my head against the leafs,

hearing the rustling of wind,

it's as if God is saying "I am here"

life, is still beautiful after all.

right?

::Interesting::

Life has been full of unexpected little surprises, jokes, and blessings for the past few days :)

Firstly, my laptop got a new name! Whee~ it's called alegria, it means joy in spanish, cuz there's just so much joy in my life recently, and also i really wanna learn my spanish properly, who knows, it might come to use one day.

Last Sunday was chaos at Hope Tots, a few kids were crying and screaming so insanely loud that they drown out the music during praise and worship, and poor Kah Ong need to scream at the top of his lung during Bible story time. But, the worst of all is poor poor Anne, TWO kids puke on her!! TWO!!

I tried using guitar during worship time for the very first time in Hope Tots, the kids were fascinated b the guitar but they couldn't really hear it properly cuz the crying voices are just too mighty for my poor old guitar.

During worship, i said : "ok kids, now let's sing the song Jesus loves me", one boy actually look up to me earnestly :"chicken?" ...understandably, the adults in the room start to burst out in pure joy...hahaha..i look at him :"no dear, not chicken, it's Jesus"...haha...kids...they are the best :)

At night after having dinner with Kok Siong and Gerard at can2, it suddenly pour down madly. It's like all the women in heaven decided to cry together...or something like that.

In the end, i was soaked and my feet were "dipped" in mud water, yet somehow, i feel strangely satisfied and happy and thankful.

I remembered the days when i was still in primary school, my mum will walk me to and fro the school every single day. And when it rains, she will bring raincoat and slippers for me and we'll brave the shallow flood together.

I remembered the feeling of the mud water rushing through my tiny toes. there's one time that it rain so heavily that we can't even cross the pool of water, it's so fortunate that we manage to meet this lady that offer us a ride.

Last Sunday night felt like that time.

I feel happy waiting for the shuttle bus that seems to take forever to come, because somehow i feel so alive. Somehow knowing that rains and muds are still real in my world, knowing that i am not living in a shell made of steel, knowing that nature is still alive...all these feelings coming together, just make me feel thankful.

Today we had Short Term Missions team meeting.Extremely thankful that somehow God has made the impossible possible, it has been month of uncertainty, one moment i can go then the next cannot, then can, then cannot...it has been months of really saying there's pnly so much i can do and the rest is totally up to God's will...Very thankful for the time as well, we are definitely very different, but that's gonna make it all the more exciting! :)

Thankful that my bank account has more money than i thought, therefore i am able to fund the trip on my own. Thankful for my dear Wildboar that lend me the money, thankful for my dear shepherd who silently help me pay off the rest.

Thankful that i found $1 under the table just now while cleaning up :)

Thankful for the unknown person who left his/her ju hua cha behind, it was put to good used in blessing another person :)

May my week continue to be such as the rest of my week will be loaded with stuff.

::Blog::

Today i've been reading blogs...now that i have my own laptop ( with a million shoutouts of thanks to "papa"), it will be easier to "stalk" people. with lotsa loves of course.haha

i realised blogging this kinda thing can easily go both ways- helpful or harmful.

i feel a bit sad that i can only hear people's true thoughts through a screen.

i feel sad that perhaps this is because i haven't been caring enough.

i feel sad that so many people are seemingly living a mask.

On another notes, today is really an amazingly blessed days, in so many ways.

i'm thankful for so many people in my life that cross my path today. ( you know who you are :))

i'm thankful for this new laptop.

i'm extremely thankful to God.

and i feel like the quote in my blog is so true in so many ways- we are only strong if we stood even in the storm, we are only giving if we gave even when it hurts.

yah, it's a bitter-sweet day. But it's worth it