Friday, December 10, 2010


i started this blog with a secret wish of keeping it positive, to blog about the better things and blessings in life and not just a ranting of my emo-ness like what most people do.

but tonight, just once, please allow me to be weak as well. I'm just human, and an emo one tonight.
nothing bad happened to me, in fact, i am constantly blessed by a lot of things.

it's a mixture of so many things that i dunno what am i feeling anymore.

usually, when i am truly emo, i'll run and hide, i'll escape, i'll refuse to face the world.
so, perhaps it's not that bad tonight.

it's just that i felt my inability to love.

something happened to a dear friend of mine today, but i didn't know what to do.
and as i was staring into thin air thinking what to do, i realized how long it has been since i last had a good chat with her.

i realized..i really dunno what to say or do..
it felt like there's nothing i can say or do that will help...

i overheard (ok, i eavesdrop) the conversation of 3 old ladies on the train today. they started talking about their family, A said that ever since the parents died, there's very little among the siblings, she went on to talked about her brother that died. B talked about her sister who's staying with her cause got no where to go and her brother's family don't like her sister. C talked about how it has been years since they gathered with their good friends.

waoh, i've thought about my parents dying before, but not my own siblings.
waoh, will my family become like that? broken after the death of my parents?
waoh, in this wide wide world, will i lose contact with people i treasured forever?

but actually, i'm seeing these unfolding in my own life.
i don't really know most of my cousins, and after my grandparents passed away, we didn't really gather anymore, who don't like who all those kinda thing.
i once had a close friend that became my ex-close friend after a misunderstanding, i don't really know how is she now, i missed those times when we joked about becoming "shao nai nai".
for the few past relationships that i have had, i lost contact with almost all of them, how are they doing now? if only we can still be friend.
i haven't seen some of my best friends for years already, i really miss them.

i missed those times where everything is simpler.
though i would not trade my life now for anything else.

it's filled with things out of our control.

what a weird thing.
it seems as if our whole existence is defined by it.
family and friends- apparently all human relationship fall into these two categories.
why two? are there really so many different type of love? how do we know which one is which? is there a framework to define what kind of "love" we're having for different people at any one point of time?
family- years to be like friends.
friends- yearns to be like family.

why do i feel sad when i dunno what's going on in my friends' lives?
why is it important to know anyway?
why do i feel sad when i only get to know what happened in the lives of people i see frequently through blogs or other people?
why do i not know what to do when i wanna care for other people?
why does it hurt me when other people are the one troubled?
why didn't i just go and ask what's going on when i really wanted to know?
why did i turned around and act as if i don't care?

on the other hand, why do i go on pretending when i'm not?

standing under the moon light and the stars,
i lean my head against the leafs,
hearing the rustling of wind,
it's as if God is saying "I am here"

life, is still beautiful after all.

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