我做梦了，
梦里，下雨了。
雨水，洗净了，
失望，悲哀，辛酸，愤怒，
爱情，希望，快乐，原谅。
雨水，带走了，
过去的，
他的，
你的。
我看着雨，
想着：一切都会好的。
细细的雨滴，
我以为会这样永远下下去。
但，雨终究还是停了。
雨后，
我会好的。
Friday, June 14, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
::Idol::
I just read this message that a fan from China wrote.
Ok, some parts of it seems pretty dramatic and exaggerated, but there's really people who live like that. Though I can't agree with how much dependency there is on the idol or bands people worship, yet the hard work these people have for their work is undeniable.
It reminds me of SJ, of how much they cared for their fans, how they treat us like real friends. The car accident of Heechul and Kyuhyun. The passing away of Donghae's father. The drunk incident of Kangin....and so much more.
Haha i then read her blog and guess what?
She is indeed talking about SJ! keke ELF thinks alike i guess ;p
My life and love don't depend on them;
but their life and love warms me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
When you are feeling too tired, you must remember your idol.
That is, the idol whom you were once so crazily in love with.
That is, the idol whom you used to memorize their facts faster than memorizing new vocab.
That is, the idol whom you used to write about, about how much you love them on your blog.
That is, the idol that you are able to type his/her name on the keyboard even with your eyes closed.
You must be thankful, but at the same time clearheaded.
When someone forcefully asks you, what on earth made them worthy of you wasting your youth on them,
you must tell him.
I only gave my most beautiful memory to them, but they gave up more precious stuff than me during that period of youth.
When you are on the field under the hot sun for physical training,
you need to remember, your idol once perspired profusely in the practice room for you.
When you are sitting in class, with absolutely no interest in the textbook,
you need to remember, your idol once, for the rehearsal, hurt his/her vocal cords.
When you are sprawling on your bed, complaining about how tough your day was,
you need to remember, your idol had to perform on stage for you despite running a high fever, or sitting in a wheelchair.
He is your idol.
We might not be on the same land breathing the same air, but we can feel each other.
Since he did it, why can't you?
when you can't hold on, you must remember your idol?
Running on the track, your ears filled with hot air and unbearable panting.
Your friend is at the end point shouting the name of your idol, you must grit your teeth, and you must dash over.
He is your destination, he is your strength.
Your secret crush has someone else in mind, and your shy love letter hasn't even been handed over.
You lock yourself up in your own room, looking at the posters of him who is still the same, choking up on your tears.
Never mind, I still have you, you.
This world, perhaps exist betrayal, escapism, depression and all sorts of unhappiness.
As long as you open Twitter every day, and start browsing through his updates.
You chuckle; sitting in front of the computer. Remember, that is the real you.
Your idol
might have undergone all sorts of incidents, or maybe an accident, even the doctors said there is no hope.
Some of the members might have done something wrong, even some fans said they will not love them anymore.
Maybe time has diminished some of his popularity; even those who don't really follow him say he is not popular anymore.
Maybe his company never thought of putting in efforts in their promotions, with no intentions of further plans.
At that time, at that moment, how did he survive?
Although fans had committed mistakes, idols, too. He has his own shortcomings, problems, or even has many people looking down on him.
Although he is not perfect, but you have to be thankful.
When you have your own love, you must remember your idol.
After entering adulthood, you finally have your own life.
He, too, might already have his own. Be it happy, be it blissful.
That past years of missing lessons to watch his concert,
that past years of squeezing in front to buy tickets,
that past years of pasting posters all over the wall,
that past years of scribbling his name all over the textbooks.
You might have been crazy before,
but when you recall those years, you need to be proud, because that is one of a kind, something others don't have.
You protect him, forsaking your own limelight.
You devote your love towards him, no longer thinking about other guys, but also at the same time developing rationality and your own perception towards life.
Looking at him, from being a teen to adult, with stubby moustache growing out of his cheeks, with wrinkles on his face when he smiles.
That is the traces of your love, which has undergone the vicissitudes of life, so thunderous.
So what if you are old, you need to be proud, because you experienced the purifying of time.
He stood for you, for you.
When he announces that he found his other half.
You cried, you teared. Because he has reached the shore, you are finally at ease and assured.
The position where you once dreamed of being at, someone has stood there in your place, for you.
So many years, you watched him fall and stand up on his own.
You finally feel relieved, that he has shoulders to lean upon.
Just that there is a little, just a little tinge of regret. Why, the one giving him happiness is not your own self.
You have to remember your idol.
Those years, the person who has been giving you your happiness, rage, sorrow and joy..The one controlling your mind.
Even if he no longer appears on the screens of your TV, your hand phone screen still, is filled with memories.
Even if his name no longer appears on the fashion magazines, your diary still, is filled with doodles and love.
Seeing how he shines on stage, dancing,
standing under the spotlight, talking to us and smiling with a microphone,
the way he stands on the steps, crying when he heard the fans singing along,
the way he receives the award and look at the cheering crowd,
and the first time, seeing him and forgetting about time.
No matter where time goes, in your heart, he is always, like that.
You must remember your idol.
You once boasted about his good, despite receiving disagreeing looks on the faces of the people around you.
Your blog is full of his news,
just to let people who understand you, know how blissful it is to like him.
You once quarreled with others because of him.
You don't cry when people scold you, throw things at you, but your eyes turn red when someone is just badmouthing them.
On what basis, you ask, since they don't understand him, how dare they think they have the rights to criticize them.
He is your life.
You hid under your blankets, crying, because of him. Having wild thoughts in the middle of the night,
how has he been, how was his injuries, what did he meant when he said that.
Tired, after a short nap you wake up and continue to love him.
You are not afraid of anything, so long as he is there.
Some people in this world might be physically close to you, but can never understand why you like him.
You must tell them, the word "fortitude" is not something that can be taught by anyone.
And he gave you this precious thing.
So, you must remember your idol.
Dear, since now we are still young.
You have to work hard, to become someone worthy of him,
to be able to meet him someday, and stand next to him deservingly.
You must, must tell him personally.
You must tell him that you are thankful that you didn't miss him, in the midst of billion of people.
Thank him for his companionship for the past few years, whether be it crying or laughing.
You must, deeply, with that choked up voice of yours, carefully, shout his name.
-- I used to; love you, that, that, that much.
[Even if time has passed, don't worry, the white-haired me will remember the black-haired you, while loving the white-haired you.]
[TRANS] Message from a Chinese fan.
by:蓝爵Yoyo
在你感到太累的时候，你一定要记得你的偶像。
那是你曾经疯狂迷恋过的偶像。
那是你背他们的事比背英语单词还要迅速的偶像。
那是你在博客上记载着满满爱慕的偶像。
那是你闭着眼睛都能在键盘上敲出名字的偶像。
你要感谢，同时也要清醒。
当有人咄咄逼问你，究竟他们为什么值得你浪费年华去喜欢的时候，
你一定要告诉他。
我只把最美的记忆给了他们，他们却付出了比我更多更宝贵的那段青春。
当你在操场上顶着烈日军训，
你要记得，你的偶像曾在练习室里为了你挥汗如雨。
当你坐在教室里对着课本索然无味，
你要记得，你的偶像为了彩排 声带吐血却一擦而过。
当你趴在床上回味一天的辛苦而抱怨连天，
你要记得，你的偶像在发高烧得病痛的时候 坐着轮椅也要上台为你唱歌。
他是你的偶像。
我们或许不是在同一土地呼吸，但我们却能感受到彼此。
那么他做到了，为什么你不可以。
当你坚持不了的时候，你一定要记得你的偶像。
你跑在焦灼的塑胶跑道上，耳边都是呼呼的热风和你忍受不住的喘气。
你的朋友在终点喊你偶像的名字，你一定要咬牙，一定要冲去。
他就是你的终点，他就是你的力量。
暗恋的男生有了喜欢的人，而你羞涩的情书还未递去。
你把自己锁在房间里，望着海报上始终如一的他，呜呜的哽咽、嚎啕。
没关系，我还有你，有你。
这个世界，或许有背叛，有逃避，有失落和各种不如意。
你只要每天打开微博，浏览他的消息，闯入他的生命里短暂的休憩。
你坐在电脑前被他逗笑，记住那才是真的你。
你的偶像，
或许发生过各种各样的事故或许有一场车祸，连医生都摇摇头说没希望了。
或许有成员的犯错，连有些饭都说不想爱了。
或许时间打磨了他的人气，连不了解他的人都说他不再火了。
或许他的公司从一开始就没想过精心打造，摆摆手说过了2005你们就解散吧。
那个时候，在那个时候他是怎么挺过来的。
虽然粉丝犯过错、偶像犯过错，他有缺点、有毛病，甚至让很多人瞧不起。
虽然他不完美，但是你要感谢，谢谢，谢谢我爱你。
在你有了属于自己的爱时，你一定要记得你的偶像。
经年后，你终于有了自己的人生。
他或许也早已拥有。或幸福，或温馨。
那个逃课去看他演唱会的岁月，
那个挤在前面买票占位认识基友的岁月，
那个满房间都充斥着他的海报和卡片的岁月，
那个在作业本上墙上黑板上课桌上涂满他名字的岁月。
你或许疯狂过，或许年少轻狂。
但你想起那段岁月时要骄傲，因为那是独一无二、任何人都没有的斑斓。
你守着他，收敛起自己的光芒。
你专爱着他，不再花痴肤浅，也有了理性和属于自己对人生的感悟。
你看着他，从年少一路到中年，脸颊旁有了胡渣，笑起来眼角也漾起了皱纹。
那是你爱情的痕迹，经历了沧桑与风雨。
年龄大了怎么了，你要骄傲，因为经历了岁月洗礼，
他还为了你站在那里。他为了你。
在他宣布他有了属于自己的另一半。
你哭了，热泪盈眶。因为他到达了彼岸，你终于放心了。
你曾经幻想的位置，终于有人替你站在那里。
这么多年，你看着他跌倒了自己咬着牙站起。
你终于安心，他有了搀扶的臂膀。
只是些许的，些许的遗憾。为什么，给你幸福的，不是我自己。
你一定要记得你的偶像。
那些年，支配你的喜怒哀乐，控制你脑海的那个人。
就算电视屏幕前没了他的身影，手机屏幕却满载着回忆。
就算时尚杂志上不再登他的名字，你的日记本里还锁满涂鸦和爱意。
看到他在舞台唱歌跳舞抛媚眼的样子，
他站在灯光下将话筒对准我们微笑的样子，
他坐在台阶处静静听着大合唱落泪的样子，
他登上颁奖台上仰望众生接受欢呼的样子，
还有第一次，看见他便惊艳了时光的样子。
不论时光跑到哪里，在你的心里，他永远，都是那个样子。
你一定要记得你的偶像。
你炫耀过他的好，即使接受到周围人不屑的目光。
你的博客里满档着他的消息，
只是想让了解你的人知道，喜欢他是件多么幸福的事情。
你曾为了他给别人吵过架。
别人骂你你没哭，摔你东西你没哭，只是在怒斥他时你却红了眼眶。
凭什么，既然不了解他，干嘛以为自己有资格去对他指手画脚。
他是你的命啊。
你为了他躲到被窝里哭。在深夜里胡思乱想，
他过得怎么样，他的伤怎么样，他说的话什么意思。
累了，睡过一觉后继续爱着。不怕，有他就不怕。
那些自以为你什么都不懂的人，
或者以为你什么都懂的人。谁都没有他能带给你勇气。
在这个世界上，那些离你很近、却始终无法了解你为什么去喜欢他的人。
你要告诉他们，“坚强”这个词并不是谁都能教得起。
而他给了你这个最宝贵的东西。
所以，你一定要记得你的偶像。
亲爱的，趁现在我们还算年轻。
你要努力，成为能够配得上他的人，
有一天能够见他一面，能够堂堂正正的站在他身边。
你一定，一定要亲口说一句。
怀着深深地眷恋和憧憬，揣着你这些年的敬仰与依赖。
在数十亿的人口中，要感谢你没有错过他。
在这些年，谢谢他的陪伴，陪你笑或哭泣。
你一定要深沉的，用颤抖而哽咽的声音，小心翼翼地，喊一声他的名字。
——我曾经，那么，那么，那么的……喜欢你。
【纵使时光垂垂老矣，别担心，白发的我一定记得黑发的你，爱着白发的你。】
Ok, some parts of it seems pretty dramatic and exaggerated, but there's really people who live like that. Though I can't agree with how much dependency there is on the idol or bands people worship, yet the hard work these people have for their work is undeniable.
It reminds me of SJ, of how much they cared for their fans, how they treat us like real friends. The car accident of Heechul and Kyuhyun. The passing away of Donghae's father. The drunk incident of Kangin....and so much more.
Haha i then read her blog and guess what?
She is indeed talking about SJ! keke ELF thinks alike i guess ;p
My life and love don't depend on them;
but their life and love warms me.
-------------------------------------------------------------
When you are feeling too tired, you must remember your idol.
That is, the idol whom you were once so crazily in love with.
That is, the idol whom you used to memorize their facts faster than memorizing new vocab.
That is, the idol whom you used to write about, about how much you love them on your blog.
That is, the idol that you are able to type his/her name on the keyboard even with your eyes closed.
You must be thankful, but at the same time clearheaded.
When someone forcefully asks you, what on earth made them worthy of you wasting your youth on them,
you must tell him.
I only gave my most beautiful memory to them, but they gave up more precious stuff than me during that period of youth.
When you are on the field under the hot sun for physical training,
you need to remember, your idol once perspired profusely in the practice room for you.
When you are sitting in class, with absolutely no interest in the textbook,
you need to remember, your idol once, for the rehearsal, hurt his/her vocal cords.
When you are sprawling on your bed, complaining about how tough your day was,
you need to remember, your idol had to perform on stage for you despite running a high fever, or sitting in a wheelchair.
He is your idol.
We might not be on the same land breathing the same air, but we can feel each other.
Since he did it, why can't you?
when you can't hold on, you must remember your idol?
Running on the track, your ears filled with hot air and unbearable panting.
Your friend is at the end point shouting the name of your idol, you must grit your teeth, and you must dash over.
He is your destination, he is your strength.
Your secret crush has someone else in mind, and your shy love letter hasn't even been handed over.
You lock yourself up in your own room, looking at the posters of him who is still the same, choking up on your tears.
Never mind, I still have you, you.
This world, perhaps exist betrayal, escapism, depression and all sorts of unhappiness.
As long as you open Twitter every day, and start browsing through his updates.
You chuckle; sitting in front of the computer. Remember, that is the real you.
Your idol
might have undergone all sorts of incidents, or maybe an accident, even the doctors said there is no hope.
Some of the members might have done something wrong, even some fans said they will not love them anymore.
Maybe time has diminished some of his popularity; even those who don't really follow him say he is not popular anymore.
Maybe his company never thought of putting in efforts in their promotions, with no intentions of further plans.
At that time, at that moment, how did he survive?
Although fans had committed mistakes, idols, too. He has his own shortcomings, problems, or even has many people looking down on him.
Although he is not perfect, but you have to be thankful.
When you have your own love, you must remember your idol.
After entering adulthood, you finally have your own life.
He, too, might already have his own. Be it happy, be it blissful.
That past years of missing lessons to watch his concert,
that past years of squeezing in front to buy tickets,
that past years of pasting posters all over the wall,
that past years of scribbling his name all over the textbooks.
You might have been crazy before,
but when you recall those years, you need to be proud, because that is one of a kind, something others don't have.
You protect him, forsaking your own limelight.
You devote your love towards him, no longer thinking about other guys, but also at the same time developing rationality and your own perception towards life.
Looking at him, from being a teen to adult, with stubby moustache growing out of his cheeks, with wrinkles on his face when he smiles.
That is the traces of your love, which has undergone the vicissitudes of life, so thunderous.
So what if you are old, you need to be proud, because you experienced the purifying of time.
He stood for you, for you.
When he announces that he found his other half.
You cried, you teared. Because he has reached the shore, you are finally at ease and assured.
The position where you once dreamed of being at, someone has stood there in your place, for you.
So many years, you watched him fall and stand up on his own.
You finally feel relieved, that he has shoulders to lean upon.
Just that there is a little, just a little tinge of regret. Why, the one giving him happiness is not your own self.
You have to remember your idol.
Those years, the person who has been giving you your happiness, rage, sorrow and joy..The one controlling your mind.
Even if he no longer appears on the screens of your TV, your hand phone screen still, is filled with memories.
Even if his name no longer appears on the fashion magazines, your diary still, is filled with doodles and love.
Seeing how he shines on stage, dancing,
standing under the spotlight, talking to us and smiling with a microphone,
the way he stands on the steps, crying when he heard the fans singing along,
the way he receives the award and look at the cheering crowd,
and the first time, seeing him and forgetting about time.
No matter where time goes, in your heart, he is always, like that.
You must remember your idol.
You once boasted about his good, despite receiving disagreeing looks on the faces of the people around you.
Your blog is full of his news,
just to let people who understand you, know how blissful it is to like him.
You once quarreled with others because of him.
You don't cry when people scold you, throw things at you, but your eyes turn red when someone is just badmouthing them.
On what basis, you ask, since they don't understand him, how dare they think they have the rights to criticize them.
He is your life.
You hid under your blankets, crying, because of him. Having wild thoughts in the middle of the night,
how has he been, how was his injuries, what did he meant when he said that.
Tired, after a short nap you wake up and continue to love him.
You are not afraid of anything, so long as he is there.
Some people in this world might be physically close to you, but can never understand why you like him.
You must tell them, the word "fortitude" is not something that can be taught by anyone.
And he gave you this precious thing.
So, you must remember your idol.
Dear, since now we are still young.
You have to work hard, to become someone worthy of him,
to be able to meet him someday, and stand next to him deservingly.
You must, must tell him personally.
You must tell him that you are thankful that you didn't miss him, in the midst of billion of people.
Thank him for his companionship for the past few years, whether be it crying or laughing.
You must, deeply, with that choked up voice of yours, carefully, shout his name.
-- I used to; love you, that, that, that much.
[Even if time has passed, don't worry, the white-haired me will remember the black-haired you, while loving the white-haired you.]
[TRANS] Message from a Chinese fan.
by:蓝爵Yoyo
在你感到太累的时候，你一定要记得你的偶像。
那是你曾经疯狂迷恋过的偶像。
那是你背他们的事比背英语单词还要迅速的偶像。
那是你在博客上记载着满满爱慕的偶像。
那是你闭着眼睛都能在键盘上敲出名字的偶像。
你要感谢，同时也要清醒。
当有人咄咄逼问你，究竟他们为什么值得你浪费年华去喜欢的时候，
你一定要告诉他。
我只把最美的记忆给了他们，他们却付出了比我更多更宝贵的那段青春。
当你在操场上顶着烈日军训，
你要记得，你的偶像曾在练习室里为了你挥汗如雨。
当你坐在教室里对着课本索然无味，
你要记得，你的偶像为了彩排 声带吐血却一擦而过。
当你趴在床上回味一天的辛苦而抱怨连天，
你要记得，你的偶像在发高烧得病痛的时候 坐着轮椅也要上台为你唱歌。
他是你的偶像。
我们或许不是在同一土地呼吸，但我们却能感受到彼此。
那么他做到了，为什么你不可以。
当你坚持不了的时候，你一定要记得你的偶像。
你跑在焦灼的塑胶跑道上，耳边都是呼呼的热风和你忍受不住的喘气。
你的朋友在终点喊你偶像的名字，你一定要咬牙，一定要冲去。
他就是你的终点，他就是你的力量。
暗恋的男生有了喜欢的人，而你羞涩的情书还未递去。
你把自己锁在房间里，望着海报上始终如一的他，呜呜的哽咽、嚎啕。
没关系，我还有你，有你。
这个世界，或许有背叛，有逃避，有失落和各种不如意。
你只要每天打开微博，浏览他的消息，闯入他的生命里短暂的休憩。
你坐在电脑前被他逗笑，记住那才是真的你。
你的偶像，
或许发生过各种各样的事故或许有一场车祸，连医生都摇摇头说没希望了。
或许有成员的犯错，连有些饭都说不想爱了。
或许时间打磨了他的人气，连不了解他的人都说他不再火了。
或许他的公司从一开始就没想过精心打造，摆摆手说过了2005你们就解散吧。
那个时候，在那个时候他是怎么挺过来的。
虽然粉丝犯过错、偶像犯过错，他有缺点、有毛病，甚至让很多人瞧不起。
虽然他不完美，但是你要感谢，谢谢，谢谢我爱你。
在你有了属于自己的爱时，你一定要记得你的偶像。
经年后，你终于有了自己的人生。
他或许也早已拥有。或幸福，或温馨。
那个逃课去看他演唱会的岁月，
那个挤在前面买票占位认识基友的岁月，
那个满房间都充斥着他的海报和卡片的岁月，
那个在作业本上墙上黑板上课桌上涂满他名字的岁月。
你或许疯狂过，或许年少轻狂。
但你想起那段岁月时要骄傲，因为那是独一无二、任何人都没有的斑斓。
你守着他，收敛起自己的光芒。
你专爱着他，不再花痴肤浅，也有了理性和属于自己对人生的感悟。
你看着他，从年少一路到中年，脸颊旁有了胡渣，笑起来眼角也漾起了皱纹。
那是你爱情的痕迹，经历了沧桑与风雨。
年龄大了怎么了，你要骄傲，因为经历了岁月洗礼，
他还为了你站在那里。他为了你。
在他宣布他有了属于自己的另一半。
你哭了，热泪盈眶。因为他到达了彼岸，你终于放心了。
你曾经幻想的位置，终于有人替你站在那里。
这么多年，你看着他跌倒了自己咬着牙站起。
你终于安心，他有了搀扶的臂膀。
只是些许的，些许的遗憾。为什么，给你幸福的，不是我自己。
你一定要记得你的偶像。
那些年，支配你的喜怒哀乐，控制你脑海的那个人。
就算电视屏幕前没了他的身影，手机屏幕却满载着回忆。
就算时尚杂志上不再登他的名字，你的日记本里还锁满涂鸦和爱意。
看到他在舞台唱歌跳舞抛媚眼的样子，
他站在灯光下将话筒对准我们微笑的样子，
他坐在台阶处静静听着大合唱落泪的样子，
他登上颁奖台上仰望众生接受欢呼的样子，
还有第一次，看见他便惊艳了时光的样子。
不论时光跑到哪里，在你的心里，他永远，都是那个样子。
你一定要记得你的偶像。
你炫耀过他的好，即使接受到周围人不屑的目光。
你的博客里满档着他的消息，
只是想让了解你的人知道，喜欢他是件多么幸福的事情。
你曾为了他给别人吵过架。
别人骂你你没哭，摔你东西你没哭，只是在怒斥他时你却红了眼眶。
凭什么，既然不了解他，干嘛以为自己有资格去对他指手画脚。
他是你的命啊。
你为了他躲到被窝里哭。在深夜里胡思乱想，
他过得怎么样，他的伤怎么样，他说的话什么意思。
累了，睡过一觉后继续爱着。不怕，有他就不怕。
那些自以为你什么都不懂的人，
或者以为你什么都懂的人。谁都没有他能带给你勇气。
在这个世界上，那些离你很近、却始终无法了解你为什么去喜欢他的人。
你要告诉他们，“坚强”这个词并不是谁都能教得起。
而他给了你这个最宝贵的东西。
所以，你一定要记得你的偶像。
亲爱的，趁现在我们还算年轻。
你要努力，成为能够配得上他的人，
有一天能够见他一面，能够堂堂正正的站在他身边。
你一定，一定要亲口说一句。
怀着深深地眷恋和憧憬，揣着你这些年的敬仰与依赖。
在数十亿的人口中，要感谢你没有错过他。
在这些年，谢谢他的陪伴，陪你笑或哭泣。
你一定要深沉的，用颤抖而哽咽的声音，小心翼翼地，喊一声他的名字。
——我曾经，那么，那么，那么的……喜欢你。
【纵使时光垂垂老矣，别担心，白发的我一定记得黑发的你，爱着白发的你。】
Thursday, May 17, 2012
::Divided::
i always think that human is a multi-layered being where the bad guy is not just the bad guy and the guy who's obsessed with other things as well.
Recently, i am finding it harder and harder to have so many layers to my being. I think it's because all these layers are SO drastically different from each other. I kinda like all the layers i currently have, except my evil twin of course, but i am starting to feel so divided. K-pop me; classical music me; missionary me; adventurous me; shy me; escapism me; lazy me; motivated me; advertiser me; nature me; sfkskfnakehcleckjghslkfcgjhdlkcjwfjwakne
perhaps, it's because i do not have someone who understands more than one or two layers of this complicated mind.
moments like this, 我突然深深地体会到伯牙与子期的情怀。知音。我的身边，真的没有知音吗？除了创造了我、爱着我的神之外，真的一个也没有了吗？
好想如伯牙那般，弹着琴，去寻找我的知音。
Recently, i am finding it harder and harder to have so many layers to my being. I think it's because all these layers are SO drastically different from each other. I kinda like all the layers i currently have, except my evil twin of course, but i am starting to feel so divided. K-pop me; classical music me; missionary me; adventurous me; shy me; escapism me; lazy me; motivated me; advertiser me; nature me; sfkskfnakehcleckjghslkfcgjhdlkcjwfjwakne
perhaps, it's because i do not have someone who understands more than one or two layers of this complicated mind.
moments like this, 我突然深深地体会到伯牙与子期的情怀。知音。我的身边，真的没有知音吗？除了创造了我、爱着我的神之外，真的一个也没有了吗？
好想如伯牙那般，弹着琴，去寻找我的知音。
Friday, March 16, 2012
::Support::
God told me i need to make Him my life support, not my ministry help or financial genie. I guess that makes sense.
Right after i said yes, things just start to happen, by things i mean unpleasant things.
I am thankful, really. If not for the intensity of tiredness and stress that I haven't felt for such a long time, I would have forgotten this basic truth that is so simple but so hard to live by.
People ask me how to depend on Him more, how to rely on Him, how to hear from Him, how to know their purpose in life etc...
There's really no short cuts, no formulas.
I am glad i took the time and effort to join the Ripple Conference this year (10 March 2012). I have this secret little dream that is too big for me and i've actually never give up on it all along. So i am really comforted when pastor prayed for me and said that God will send me a team of like-minded people to do this very unique ministry together.
I guess i got so many "good luck to that man." kind of response along the way that i have not even considered the possibility of other people having the same kind of passion and burden as me, because i doubt if it could even be done, what more asking other people to join me in this.
Really thankful, I am excited to meet my team members one day! :)
(perhaps i will show them this post one day. )
Sunday, February 12, 2012
::Obey::
and then she told me something that blew my mind away, it was something that have not crossed my mind. like, waoh.
she said: "why not you fast from it?"
it's amazing how deceitful my mind and my heart can be. haha, that it didn't occur to me that "trying to control" is not going to work until i resolve to prioritize what are important in my life.
so..with much reluctance, i replied "ok, i'll try" to my buddy.
after putting down the phone, a thought came to my mind "ok God, i will try to do this. But first, tonight let me finish watching that few episodes i've been dying to watch."
almost immediately, another thought replaced that thought: "but the man said to Jesus, Lord, first let me go and bury the dead. Lord, first let me go home and do this. and Jesus replied: you come and follow me".
inside the cramped mrt, this verse came as a shock. Waoh, i never realized how much i sounded like the follower of Jesus back in the days.
and that moment i also knew, since He spoke to me so clearly already. Now i have a choice, i either follow Him or i don't.
this little episode could have ended with me being full of faith and committing to God right there and then. but the funny thing is, our human intellect never fails to provide us with legitimate sounding excuses.
after i reached home and switched on my comp, the thought that came to my mind were: "hmm, how long should i fast? indefinitely? can't be right? hmm, how about i fast from monday to saturday and only watch on sunday? (oh, today is sunday by the way). or how about i only stop watching the shows and dramas but still listen to their music? hmm concert videos are not shows and dramas right?"
after having all these thoughts, i realized i just have to stop thinking bout them. Seriously, it is that hard for me to stand firm in this seemingly small decision.
my little episode reminded me of another instance whereby a man also said he need to do something first before following God, and he was actually commended for it. He's Elisha.
soooooo, what's the difference between the followers of Jesus from Matt 8 and Elisha? Reflecting on my own heart attitude, i realized that me and the followers were trying to find excuse in order to not do what God called us to do, whereas Elisha requested to do those things so that he can follow God completely.
i believe that obeying God is a process - a process whereby whenever we are tempted to go the other direction, we make the decision again that whatever the cost maybe, we will obey God because it is going to be worth it.
i foresee that my creative mind will be able to give to myself many more excuses, so i am typing this out. Making my private decision public, and be accountable :)
(to end this on a lighter note) bye boys, i will miss you T^T i am not sure when will i see you again.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
::Grieved::
I imagined Him saying the words with so many different tones before, but i was so far from the truth.
"The Lord was grieved that he had made men on the earth, and His heart was filled with pain. So the Lord said: 'I will wipe mankind, whom I have create, from the face of the earth - men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air- for I am grieved that I have made them.'"
I imagined Him saying it with authority; with sternness; with anger...
but, He was grieved.
just like me grieving, He also said the hard truth with grief.
there's many things that i do not understand, but for now, it is enough that i understand Him a little bit more, it is enough that we are grieving together.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
::Twelve::
2012.
Some says the world is going to end. I say if it's going to end anyway, why spend all the time worrying about it while letting the present slipped past you?
It was a hectic month of December. Seen a lot, felt a lot, questioned a lot. Yet, it seems like there's more questions left unanswered.
Very grateful that I went Myanmar. The near impossibility and the enormousness of the work yet to be done in Myanmar made me walk away feeling like a tourist. Now that i think about it, perhaps it's because i actually do not know what can someone as small as me do in front of this huge giant, that i became a bystander - still giving my best but not taking the ownership.
The gigantic Shwe Dagon makes me feel puny. I cannot imagine standing in front of such an enemy and trying to bring it down.
But, somehow i know it can be done. Just that i lack the faith to believe that i can be the one doing it.
Somehow also, i know that this year will be very crucial for me. My level of faith will be the turning point for many things in my life.
I am sorry if you are reading this and this makes no sense to you. Perhaps, this time, typing this out is sincerely an act to help myself rather than the readers.
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