::Obey::

I told yingjie about my tiredness and escapism-into-shows-and-dramas tendency.

and then she told me something that blew my mind away, it was something that have not crossed my mind. like, waoh.

she said: "why not you fast from it?"

it's amazing how deceitful my mind and my heart can be. haha, that it didn't occur to me that "trying to control" is not going to work until i resolve to prioritize what are important in my life.

so..with much reluctance, i replied "ok, i'll try" to my buddy.

after putting down the phone, a thought came to my mind "ok God, i will try to do this. But first, tonight let me finish watching that few episodes i've been dying to watch."

almost immediately, another thought replaced that thought: "but the man said to Jesus, Lord, first let me go and bury the dead. Lord, first let me go home and do this. and Jesus replied: you come and follow me".

inside the cramped mrt, this verse came as a shock. Waoh, i never realized how much i sounded like the follower of Jesus back in the days.

and that moment i also knew, since He spoke to me so clearly already. Now i have a choice, i either follow Him or i don't.

this little episode could have ended with me being full of faith and committing to God right there and then. but the funny thing is, our human intellect never fails to provide us with legitimate sounding excuses.

after i reached home and switched on my comp, the thought that came to my mind were: "hmm, how long should i fast? indefinitely? can't be right? hmm, how about i fast from monday to saturday and only watch on sunday? (oh, today is sunday by the way). or how about i only stop watching the shows and dramas but still listen to their music? hmm concert videos are not shows and dramas right?"

after having all these thoughts, i realized i just have to stop thinking bout them. Seriously, it is that hard for me to stand firm in this seemingly small decision.

my little episode reminded me of another instance whereby a man also said he need to do something first before following God, and he was actually commended for it. He's Elisha.

soooooo, what's the difference between the followers of Jesus from Matt 8 and Elisha? Reflecting on my own heart attitude, i realized that me and the followers were trying to find excuse in order to not do what God called us to do, whereas Elisha requested to do those things so that he can follow God completely.

i believe that obeying God is a process - a process whereby whenever we are tempted to go the other direction, we make the decision again that whatever the cost maybe, we will obey God because it is going to be worth it.

i foresee that my creative mind will be able to give to myself many more excuses, so i am typing this out. Making my private decision public, and be accountable :)

(to end this on a lighter note) bye boys, i will miss you T^T i am not sure when will i see you again.

::Grieved::

I imagined Him saying the words with so many different tones before, but i was so far from the truth.

"The Lord was grieved that he had made men on the earth, and His heart was filled with pain. So the Lord said: 'I will wipe mankind, whom I have create, from the face of the earth - men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air- for I am grieved that I have made them.'"

I imagined Him saying it with authority; with sternness; with anger...

but, He was grieved.

just like me grieving, He also said the hard truth with grief.

there's many things that i do not understand, but for now, it is enough that i understand Him a little bit more, it is enough that we are grieving together.

::Twelve::

2012.

Some says the world is going to end. I say if it's going to end anyway, why spend all the time worrying about it while letting the present slipped past you?

It was a hectic month of December. Seen a lot, felt a lot, questioned a lot. Yet, it seems like there's more questions left unanswered.

Very grateful that I went Myanmar. The near impossibility and the enormousness of the work yet to be done in Myanmar made me walk away feeling like a tourist. Now that i think about it, perhaps it's because i actually do not know what can someone as small as me do in front of this huge giant, that i became a bystander - still giving my best but not taking the ownership.

The gigantic Shwe Dagon makes me feel puny. I cannot imagine standing in front of such an enemy and trying to bring it down.

But, somehow i know it can be done. Just that i lack the faith to believe that i can be the one doing it.

Somehow also, i know that this year will be very crucial for me. My level of faith will be the turning point for many things in my life.

I am sorry if you are reading this and this makes no sense to you. Perhaps, this time, typing this out is sincerely an act to help myself rather than the readers.

::Will::

Life is so fragile.

I am starting to plan for a will recently. like.... donating my organ, what song to play on the funeral...

The world is passing me by, and i am still holding on to that yesteryear's wish: to live with no regrets.

Think i am more melo recently, not as noisy, and i am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. Well, at least i am not being emo

::Fast::

Fasting for the coming few weeks. To ask for greater wisdom and direction, to prepare my heart for mission trip, and simply because i want to...

Since it's the exam season, i am back in exam HQ again after missing out on the action for...this whole year? haha, since i spent the first half of the year in zoo.

the thing is, it's exam and everyone inevitably eat together for every single meal. i will reject these and receive a lot of "but why?", then there will be other people saying because i ate too much snacks just now or i want to save money etc.

i dunno, i just don't like telling people that i am fasting. it invites look of i-dunno-how-to-describe from other people. also dislike the feeling that someone who is fasting is "more spiritual", well, i am not. and don't like to be labeled as that as well.

4.56pm, third day into exam period. and i am starting to plan for my post-exam to-do list. haha.

oh wells, at least i am not stressed ;p

::Money::

Daddy, your children gave me money again. I casually put it into my bag, while being speechless once again. I forgot about it after one day, it's only till last night that i casually took it out. Only then i realized the amount they have given me. The amount is beyond my comprehension. Daddy, actually, i know, i am not that good and angelic. i am humbled once again.

::twotwo::

Today is my twenty-second birthday. When the clock reached 12am last night, I was filled with a lot of emotions. Mostly gratitude.

I think for the most part, my life is not perfect, yet, there are still many things i am grateful for. Even though my life has not been the best, yet, there's still so much blessings i have received that i know i do not deserve.

Want to say thank you.

Daddy & Mummy: Thanks for loving me and providing for me. It has not been easy supporting my education, but you persevere and believe in me. Thank you for understanding my decision to follow God, though you may not have the full picture yet, i hope that one day you will, then you will understand why it is the best decision i have ever made in my life. You are not the most expressive person on this earth, but i remembered all those moments when you asked me to take care of myself and just go and pursue my dreams without worrying the financial part of it.

Nick & William: Thanks for being my brothers. Life has not been easy on us, we are all too stubborn at time and will say things that hurt each other, but i know that at the end of the day, you will always stand by me. I remembered the time when you guys really hated one of my ex-boyfriend, you guys were so protective over me, and actually, i am very touched. Thank you for loving me and always looking up to me as you big sister, i hope that my life has inspired you.

Bell: thanks for being my friend, thanks for loving my parents more than i do. thanks for considering me before yourself. I love how we still are so close to each other even though we are miles apart and sometimes i hardly call you once in a few months. If life were to go my way, i would have loved to have you close to me so that we can still talk and laugh together. But it's ok, there's something in life that you know will just last till the day we die.

Yanyu: Thanks for being my friend, my course mate, my leader, my shepherd, my fyp mate. Thanks for listening to me when i grumbled and whined about things, thank you for understanding, thank you for always pointing me back to the truth, thank you for your rebuke, thank you for looking out for me and always blessing me with the little things in life. If you are north, i will be south, we are so radically different, but i am grateful of how you look past my flaws and care for me despite the difficulties at times. Actually, the thing i am most grateful for is you asking me the question on whether i want to receive Christ, twice.

Doris: Thanks for being my roomie. I know i am not the best roomie anyone can ask for, but thanks for tolerating with me and letting me know how i can improve. i am thankful that you have came to Singapore and now i can see you everyday. Life is so consuming that at times it feels like we are a couple who don't speak to each other anymore, but i hope you know that i do care and want to be the best roomie that one can have.

Hui Yi: Thank for being sheep. I am often time very encouraged by your growth in God. i am thankful as well that you are someone who is obedient and live out what has been placed in your heart. I remembered the overflowing joy in my heart the day when you were water baptised, nothing beats the joy of knowing another person is having a personal relationship with God. Thank you for your love shown through your own way, i actually feel loved everytime you strangled me in public, because i know that's how you love. I am thankful that although we have different personalities, we worked it out and didn't give up on each other. I am grateful that in this relationship, not only have you grown, but me too.

Qian Ru: thanks for being someone i can turn to in moments of weakness. thanks for accepting all my flaws and wrongs with grace. Thanks for always blessing me by treating me to food. I know that i have not been the easiest person to lead, but i am thankful that you did not give up on me, and i'm thankful that you are always there if ever i run into troubles. I am honored to have you in my life.

Xing Dan: thanks for being in my lg and encouraging me whenever i need it the most. you are a miracle that happened to me this year, i was so happy when you came to know God a few months ago, because i understood your loneliness, and i know that now that you have God in you, everything won't be the same anymore. i am thankful for the friendship we have, especially those times when we had the leisure of cooking together over the weekend, i really really hope that we can cook again soon. Thank you for giving me this chance to speak into your life, thank you for giving me your trust, it means a lot to me.

Ying Jie: Thanks for being my best friend. i am thankful for those times that you listened to my ranting and just be there for me even when you have no wise solution for me. thank you for always caring and praying for me. i am most grateful for all the exam seasons we have been through together, it's very encouraging to have someone who's fighting alongside me. I know we'll get to the end together someday.

Kok Siong: Thanks for always helping me to move house despite it not being very convenient for you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and moments with me vulnerably. Thanks for being a sincere friend who care how i am doing. i am grateful that i am serving along side you as we will be able to build each other up along the way.

Tracy: Thanks for being in my life, as a friend, a leader, ex-roomie and fellow advertising peep. Thank you for your wise counsel and willingness to accept my flaws. I am grateful for this chance to serve with you and to learn form you, and to get to know you better as a friend. I am grateful for all the blessings you have shown to me. Thankful for your thoughtfulness and understanding, thank you for the listening ears and willingness to guide me even when you were busy at times.

Zach: Thanks for being my friend, thanks for all the care and concerns over my fyp. Thanks for the prayers. i am thankful that our friendship continues after you graduated. I am grateful for all the little blessings you have given. Thanks.

God: They say we keep the best for the last. That's why i decided to dedicate the last post to you. Thanks for coming into my heart a few years ago, the moment when i found you, somehow, something deep inside me just know that everyone may fall away, but you will never let me go. Thank you for looking me with all my flaws and sins and wrong, and yet love me all the more. i am thankful that you have never given up on me, thankful that you are always there, that you will never leave me nor forsake me. i am thankful that even before anyone in this world know me and love me, you already did. i am thankful that you have remained with me even while i have fallen away at times. i am thankful that you know me through and through and love me through and through. thank you for loving me before you love yourself, thank you for being the one that i can go to unashamedly every time. Thank you for giving me little surprises along the way, like a rainbow, a beautiful sunset, or people along my path. Thank you for showing me the bigger picture i can claim as my own. Thank you for coming into the darkest corner of my heart and showing me that you do not despise that part of me, that you care more than i know, that you feel the pain and is hurt just as i am. Thank you for walking with me, bringing me up when i no longer have the strength to do so. Thank you for being the most beautiful thing that has ever happened in my life. Now i live knowing that apart from you i am nothing. You know that you'll have me forever, no matter what happens, no matter what other people say. It's you and me against the world. Thank you.