::Divided::

i always think that human is a multi-layered being where the bad guy is not just the bad guy and the guy who's obsessed with other things as well.

Recently, i am finding it harder and harder to have so many layers to my being. I think it's because all these layers are SO drastically different from each other. I kinda like all the layers i currently have, except my evil twin of course, but i am starting to feel so divided. K-pop me; classical music me; missionary me; adventurous me; shy me; escapism me; lazy me; motivated me; advertiser me; nature me; sfkskfnakehcleckjghslkfcgjhdlkcjwfjwakne

perhaps, it's because i do not have someone who understands more than one or two layers of this complicated mind.

moments like this, 我突然深深地体会到伯牙与子期的情怀。知音。我的身边，真的没有知音吗？除了创造了我、爱着我的神之外，真的一个也没有了吗？

好想如伯牙那般，弹着琴，去寻找我的知音。

::Support::

God told me i need to make Him my life support, not my ministry help or financial genie. I guess that makes sense.

Right after i said yes, things just start to happen, by things i mean unpleasant things.

I am thankful, really. If not for the intensity of tiredness and stress that I haven't felt for such a long time, I would have forgotten this basic truth that is so simple but so hard to live by.

People ask me how to depend on Him more, how to rely on Him, how to hear from Him, how to know their purpose in life etc...

There's really no short cuts, no formulas.

I am glad i took the time and effort to join the Ripple Conference this year (10 March 2012). I have this secret little dream that is too big for me and i've actually never give up on it all along. So i am really comforted when pastor prayed for me and said that God will send me a team of like-minded people to do this very unique ministry together.

I guess i got so many "good luck to that man." kind of response along the way that i have not even considered the possibility of other people having the same kind of passion and burden as me, because i doubt if it could even be done, what more asking other people to join me in this.

Really thankful, I am excited to meet my team members one day! :)

(perhaps i will show them this post one day. )

::Obey::

I told yingjie about my tiredness and escapism-into-shows-and-dramas tendency.

and then she told me something that blew my mind away, it was something that have not crossed my mind. like, waoh.

she said: "why not you fast from it?"

it's amazing how deceitful my mind and my heart can be. haha, that it didn't occur to me that "trying to control" is not going to work until i resolve to prioritize what are important in my life.

so..with much reluctance, i replied "ok, i'll try" to my buddy.

after putting down the phone, a thought came to my mind "ok God, i will try to do this. But first, tonight let me finish watching that few episodes i've been dying to watch."

almost immediately, another thought replaced that thought: "but the man said to Jesus, Lord, first let me go and bury the dead. Lord, first let me go home and do this. and Jesus replied: you come and follow me".

inside the cramped mrt, this verse came as a shock. Waoh, i never realized how much i sounded like the follower of Jesus back in the days.

and that moment i also knew, since He spoke to me so clearly already. Now i have a choice, i either follow Him or i don't.

this little episode could have ended with me being full of faith and committing to God right there and then. but the funny thing is, our human intellect never fails to provide us with legitimate sounding excuses.

after i reached home and switched on my comp, the thought that came to my mind were: "hmm, how long should i fast? indefinitely? can't be right? hmm, how about i fast from monday to saturday and only watch on sunday? (oh, today is sunday by the way). or how about i only stop watching the shows and dramas but still listen to their music? hmm concert videos are not shows and dramas right?"

after having all these thoughts, i realized i just have to stop thinking bout them. Seriously, it is that hard for me to stand firm in this seemingly small decision.

my little episode reminded me of another instance whereby a man also said he need to do something first before following God, and he was actually commended for it. He's Elisha.

soooooo, what's the difference between the followers of Jesus from Matt 8 and Elisha? Reflecting on my own heart attitude, i realized that me and the followers were trying to find excuse in order to not do what God called us to do, whereas Elisha requested to do those things so that he can follow God completely.

i believe that obeying God is a process - a process whereby whenever we are tempted to go the other direction, we make the decision again that whatever the cost maybe, we will obey God because it is going to be worth it.

i foresee that my creative mind will be able to give to myself many more excuses, so i am typing this out. Making my private decision public, and be accountable :)

(to end this on a lighter note) bye boys, i will miss you T^T i am not sure when will i see you again.

::Grieved::

I imagined Him saying the words with so many different tones before, but i was so far from the truth.

"The Lord was grieved that he had made men on the earth, and His heart was filled with pain. So the Lord said: 'I will wipe mankind, whom I have create, from the face of the earth - men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air- for I am grieved that I have made them.'"

I imagined Him saying it with authority; with sternness; with anger...

but, He was grieved.

just like me grieving, He also said the hard truth with grief.

there's many things that i do not understand, but for now, it is enough that i understand Him a little bit more, it is enough that we are grieving together.

::Twelve::

2012.

Some says the world is going to end. I say if it's going to end anyway, why spend all the time worrying about it while letting the present slipped past you?

It was a hectic month of December. Seen a lot, felt a lot, questioned a lot. Yet, it seems like there's more questions left unanswered.

Very grateful that I went Myanmar. The near impossibility and the enormousness of the work yet to be done in Myanmar made me walk away feeling like a tourist. Now that i think about it, perhaps it's because i actually do not know what can someone as small as me do in front of this huge giant, that i became a bystander - still giving my best but not taking the ownership.

The gigantic Shwe Dagon makes me feel puny. I cannot imagine standing in front of such an enemy and trying to bring it down.

But, somehow i know it can be done. Just that i lack the faith to believe that i can be the one doing it.

Somehow also, i know that this year will be very crucial for me. My level of faith will be the turning point for many things in my life.

I am sorry if you are reading this and this makes no sense to you. Perhaps, this time, typing this out is sincerely an act to help myself rather than the readers.