Arrested by the Holy Spirit.
No other word described how I felt during Kingdom City's 3 days Gathering conference on 28- 30 September 2017.
I had just finished celebrating my 28th birthday the week before, and as I have shared with many others, 2017 blew my mind away. This has been a year of favor, breakthroughs, miracles, and blessings. Having been so greatly blessed, I kind of wasn't as desperate for an encounter as I was last year when I lose my job. I thought I have reached the cap for this season and all that is left is to be faithful.
I still expected great things to happen, I was super excited, but what happened was so much greater. As in, life-defining moment kind of great.
On the first day, I saw a vision of a great wave crashing over me, like a strong water jet, it passed through every molecule in my being and cleanse away stubborn dirt that had clung onto me over the years. I simply received this without much understanding at that point of time what it meant.
I also saw Jesus extending His hand, asking me to hold onto Him as we walk in partnership into what we are about to enter. It was exciting for me personally as I had not look at Jesus as a partner before. Like a business partner.
Day Two, while I was praying for a double-portion that God had promised to me earlier this year. Two passages in the Bible was brought to mind: 1 Kings 19:20-21, and Matthew 19:21. Both received an invitation to follow, but only one did.
The message was clear: "Leave it all behind, and come and follow me."
Now, the ball is in my court, as I live out my daily decisions, I want to leave it all behind to follow him. It will be the most unfortunate thing to receive the invitation and miss out on it!
During the end of Day Two, God further imparted and sharpened my purpose in life- To be a mother for the children no one else wanted, they are to be my children, because these are children Jesus wants.
During the last day, there was an extended prayer time and I too went up when Ps Dominic Russo said that God has been speaking to some of us about full-time ministry this week. Though it's something I have responded previously, I went up again as God had been speaking new life into this.
As a lady prayed over me, I heard this loud and powerful voice saying, shouting even, You are not a sinner! Immediately, I felt as if something was literally shifted and taken out of my body physically and my knees grew weak and I fell down kneeling.
I was sobbing in an ugly mess, but I became the ugly mess God needed me to be.
As I stepped outside the Sunway Convention Centre, I knew with certainty in my heart that history was set in motion, and I am stepping into it.
This morning I was strolling through Facebook randomly and chanced upon IHOP ministry's live stream of their yearly conference. You can watch the recording of all the sessions here: https://watch.ihopkc.org/
Allen Hood shared so passionately on a simple yet profound topic- Love.
It was a session jam-packed with soul-gripping truths. He asked a question: do you remember when you encountered God for the very first time? Do you remember your passion and amazement for every little thing when you first fall in love with Him?
I remembered. It was only 8 years ago when I first encountered Jesus. Though I have been going to church on and off growing up, but every worship lyric, every verse, every sermon feels magical, it's like I am finally seeing the world for the first time. My heart leapt with joy every time a verse makes sense to me and I will share them passionately with my small group. I have a journal that I bring everywhere- I will write down whole passages from the Bible because they are all so dear to me, I write down the full lyrics of all the worship songs I love ( they were At The Cross and King of Majesty among others), in between sermon notes I will jot down what I experience during worship time.
How did you first love feel and look like? :)
May 2017 be a year of passionate love.
I recently just got a new job, yeah!╰(*´︶`*)╯ But what I am truly thankful for is not the gift, but the Giver. I received so much more than just a job. This is gonna be a long post because I want to document the journey and the baby steps involved in it, and also I do not want to discredit God for all that He has done for me. You have been warned 乁( ˙ω˙ )厂
In my previous post, I shared about how God brought me through depression and addiction. Right after that, I arrived at a moment where I am challenged again.
I remembered hearing from God that He will bring down the walls in my life a few months ago, like in Joshua 6 when He brought down the wall of Jericho and delivered them into the land victoriously.
But you see, in Joshua 7, right after this great miracle, they have to go to war again, and the situation quickly turned against them.
Bringing down the wall, though great, is not the end goal, the battle continues, the journey goes on.
Do not settle
Before getting my new job, I received a few other offers. They are decent enough (and hey,why should someone unemployed be so choosy anyway? right?) But, to be completely honeat, they are not what I like and the pay is lower than my expectation. I was getting stressed out and anxious, and in fear.
"what if this is already the best offer I will receive? what if I missed out and do not get another offer?" what if what if what if.
"who are you to say that you don't like this job? who are you to say that you can afford another week being unemployed?" who are you who are you who are you
I got too caught up in that moment, and realized that these thought patterns were damaging and need to be surrendered to God.
So this is the first thing I learned, do not lower your standard. Do not accept what life throws at you with no peace in your heart, because this life is passing. Financial difficulties or not, I am here on a journey heaven-ward. Not just surviving the concrete jungle.
Compromise on the small things, soon you'll compromise on the big things as well. (though to be fair, career choice might be the biggest choice for some)
So that's when I resolved I cannot take up this job that I know I have no peace in my heart to accept, I should have the confidence that my God will provide.
My new job is not only something I liked, but it's with a company I liked, and with higher pay as well.
His perfect way
After receiving the few initial job offers, I was praying that I really need a clear word from Him on whether I should accept the offers or not.
I saw a vision as I remembered Psalm 121, I saw Jesus standing on top of a mountain as I stood trapped inside a maze. He has the higher vantage point of view and already knew which way would be the best way for me to navigate through this maze, all I need to do is listen and trust.
And so I did.
(It is funny,but this song was on replay through my mind the whole time. haha. A children worship song! crazy right? oh,this was also the only worship song I remembered as a non-believer back then.)
Childlike faith
During one Sunday service, Jesus brought to memory how I first believed that Jesus is real. How as an 18 years old non-believer, I trusted that if Jesus is real, surely I will get into this school I wanted. Now as a 27 years old, my thinking becomes more complicated, and my list of consideration becomes longer.
This is my chance, where I can choose to have that bold childlike faith again, and trust that God will give to me this specific job I really like.
And I did. Without receiving any confirmation for the job I wanted, I turned down a few offers, declined multiple interviews- telling them that I will not be continuing with the interview process.
It's hard, every single phone call I made and every single email I sent is as much a testing as it is a strengthening of my faith.
Stop trying too hard
Among the many offers is an offer to be class teacher in a kindergarten. The place was great, and the lady running the place is great as well.
Children holds a very special place in my heart ever since I started serving in children ministry years ago. But I have always feel under qualified to do more for children, as I never received professional training.
This job really looked like it will help me in this aspect, plus, to be brutally honest with you, being a kindergarten teacher sounds like a more kind and loving person than a social media executive. haha
In that same Sunday service, the preacher shared a point about being unqualified. How when God appoints, He annoints. And it just made me realized that I was impatient waiting for God and was making up plans without Him, and was really just trying to make myself feel qualified.
God alone qualifies the call.
His perfect timing
I was actually researching about this company where my new job is at for an article I am writing, I came across the career section and sent in my resume randomly. After that, I was talking to someone and found that she had worked that years ago and she told me stories about the company and how the yhave a great culture there. Needless to say, I have a good impression of them after that.
I was happy when they contacted me, and I went for the interview, and was asked to go back for a second interview on the same day! (surely this is a sign that they liked me right?haha)
It was at this point that I received the other offers, and after turning down all of them. I now am left hanging around while waiting for a yes or no.
After this, the person's house where I have been staying over at, she injured her back. And because I did not take the previous offers, I was free and was able to help them take care of someone at the house while they go to work in the morning.
Tuesday morning, I received a call from the company and they said I have been offered the position! and after that, she managed to find someone who will be able to help out in the morning while they are at work.
Maybe it doesn't sound impressive, but to me it is crazy how perfect His timing is!
Now the journey goes on as I go house hunting for a place closer to work! ٩(๑^o^๑)۶
There has been a campaign for the awareness of mental health recently. I read some articles about the statistic of depression and other mental health issues in Malaysia and the workforce in general. I find it surprising to know how many people is actually battling with this daily while trying to look ok on the outside, even though I myself struggled with it for a period of time.
I came across a post on Facebook that reminded me of my own journey, and how much I shun away from talking about it.
About a year or two ago, when everything seems to be working out great for me, I was suddenly struck with depression. At that time, I was doing so fine on the outside, my career was going strong, I was serving in church, and I hang out with friends. Till this day I cannot pinpoint what exactly went wrong. Perhaps it was the combination of work stress, self-doubt, and everything in between.
I simply lost the motivation for everything in life, I do not feel like stepping out from my room in the morning, and cannot fall asleep at night. I stopped responding to all channels of communication- phone calls, emails, text messages. Everything. It was also at this point that I become addicted to things, both "bad things" and "good things".
This could be another story about how I am a strong person and I manage to work it through and I am perfect again now. But it is not, I am not that strong person those articles wrote about, I am just a simple person with many flaws.
Instead, this is a story of Grace and Faithfulness. The verse that pulled me through that 2 years was this:
If we are faithless, He will remain faithful, for He cannot disown himself (2 Timothy 2:13)
One Sunday morning, I was dragged to church by Valerene (whom house I was staying at that point of time, more on that later), I was so reluctant to talk to anyone there. But God met me there, I saw a vision of a safety net, and He told me that He will be my safety net, that no matter how far I fall, or how hard it is, He is always there to catch me. He is faithful even when I am faithless.
I went back to my hometown in Sabah shortly after that. Being the only Christian in the household, there was no longer anyone who asked me how was my walk with God or drag me to church on Sundays. But even at these time, His love covers me. I slowly began picking up calls and responds to messages. Again, I cannot pinpoint what went right this time, but I believe prayers both by myself and the community plays a part, apart from the relentless Jesus that refuses to let me go.
As mentioned, the community plays a large role in my journey as well. My gratitude especially for Valerene and Paul, who knocked on my door and took me in like their own when I was closing myself away.
This year, I came back to Kuala Lumpur with a new job, and a new hope to make things right this time. So I told everyone who asked that I am ok now, at least, that was my genuine feelings until God prove me otherwise. In the month leading up to church conference, I have this sense that God wants to do something with my life and bring me to a whole new ground after the conference. I saw a vision of Jesus covering me in cloth of white, a declaration that there is no shame in Christ.
I had no idea what was coming my way!
I was fired from my job just the week before the conference. Suddenly I was lost and with financial problem. Depression tries to creep in on me again the very first day. Thoughts like: "Ok don't tell anyone, just figure this out." or "No I cannot go back to Sabah again this time, or else I am a loser. What would people and relatives say?" But no, this time, depression will not win. Not because suddenly I am a strong person, but because I have a consistent relationship with Jesus. I realized it really is all these small moments that I spent with the Lord that counts. I was able to identify these patterns of thoughts and make the decision to respond differently.
Admitting to people that I was fired and in need of help is a very humbling experience. It is admitting internally that I can stop pretending to be who I wasn't, and externally that thing happens, but my God is bigger.
But God was not done with me. During the conference, God brought to light my addiction issue, the thing is, I have been trying so hard on my own to try to handle this issue. I come up with plans on how to handle them, and these plans seem to work only for a short period of time, and then I go back to my old patterns. The issue of addiction was what I buried myself with for the past 2 years when I had depression, and even after that.
It destroys my relationship with friends, family, and Jesus. Instead of spending time with them, I spent time wasting away. I had a big fight with my dad and was avoiding him for very long, and one of my best friends no longer talked to me. Even when people saw my issue and tried to address it, I refused to acknowledge it was causing problems and refused to talk about it to people or seek help. Everything was just in the dark and kept quiet.
During the conference, God simply told me that it's time to cut all these off, completely. And just like that, this burden was lifted, there was no 10-steps plan that God needed, just His presence was so overwhelming that I can only obey. Just the past few days, I was hanging out with a friend, and for the first time is able to share with someone this struggle that I had and how God brought me through it.
God spoke to me that He is reinstating me back into my ministry and calling. Like Simon Peter in John 21, I found myself living life the old way (get a job, work, try to be good, and die eventually) because I thought my calling can never be achieved now that I have wasted away so much time, and become unworthy to be used. He asked: Do you love me? That was all He needed.
It was not just a simple matter of Jesus wants me to be devoted, it was His grace so abound it caught me off guard. There was no talk about what I did wrong and questions of if I am "fit" for ministry again, and there was no talk about how much He has done for me. He only wanted me.
There is also a revelation that I was attacked so much in the area of relationship precisely because He will use this area to glorify His name. He will restore relationships that have been broken, and He will bring to life the fulfillment of the purpose He gave for my life- which is reaching the children who are lost and in pain.
This week, I attended many interviews, which is crazy because I only applied for jobs the week before the conference, and right during and after the conference I have been receiving emails and calls to interviews. Nothing seems promising so far but I want to give thanks that He has blessed me with these interviews.
Even in the midst of all the blessings, and the community that supports and prays for me. I find myself having to battle thoughts of depression frequently. At times it is frustrating because the company that called me is a scammy MLM company and I wasted money and time to travel there, or when the manager did not look that convinced that they will hire me. But what changes now is that I am able to identify and take captive of these thoughts, and surrender them to Christ.
It has been a while since I updated this blog, and it has also been a long while since I attended a church regularly. Recently I start attending a church called Kingdom City. And it is the most-right(?) (最对的) decision I have made in a while.
It was a long story, and it could be short as well, in short, God lead me. Every single step of the way, He was there.
I guess it started with Val, my awesome (ex-)colleague who invited me to visit her church for a few times since she joined the company. I had so many excuses on why I couldn't go to church, and they were all legit, but inside of me, I knew they were all just excuses that could be easily overcome, I was just unwilling to take the extra step.
After visiting Singapore over a short weekend, I knew I couldn't live with that excuses anymore. During the worship service at Hope, God is simply asking me: isn't this what you want for your life Cassie?
And I couldn't say no to that.
So after coming back from Singapore, I approached Val and said that I want to visit her church that weekend. And you know what, she was about to leave the company already the period of time I asked her. Waoh! It could have easily been another story of "I should have" or "too bad", but God guided me just at the right timing, I think He knew that I needed this and He didn't want me to miss out on where He wants me to be.
During my first time there, I felt totally lost, I was a complete stranger, the message that week wasn't anything charismatic, it was about serving and encouraging people to volunteer in ministries. This is the first time that I go to a church and feel so foreign, now I kinda know how new people feels haha.
But you know what? Right from the beginning, I knew that this is the place where I should be.
During worship, I had so many questions: is this the church I should settle at? should I try to connect to the local Hope at KL? should I visit some other "famous" churches? How can I tell if I should settle at this church? And during worship, I was just so embraced by the Spirit of God at that place that I know that is the answer. There might still be many things I do not know about this church, the way they do things and some of their views might be different, but that all fade to the background the moment I knew that God is with this church.
And so on the same weekend, after spending only 2 hours there, barely knowing anyone, I went and signed-up for the Kids Ministry (it was the Serving week, remember?). Haha. I went to their ministry training last Saturday, and God told me that this will be a season of circumcision. The season of circumcision before marching into Jericho. ( I am pretty sure you can't sense my excitement from across the screen, but I really am very excited on what God is going to do in the coming year.)
As I am typing this, I just came back from a church event called "This is Kingdom City", which basically introduces the church to new comers. It was such a great blessing to be there tonight. First of all, my company used to have a regular weekly meeting on Tuesday nights, so when I first knew about this event, I was not sure if I wanted to go, and after I decided to go, I was thinking that I can just sneaked out before the meeting start (which is kinda a bad testimony by the way). But just last week, my boss announced that from THIS week onward, we will be having the weekly meeting on Monday morning instead! How cool is that, just in time for this week's event ( and tonight I also found out that their Bible study classes are on Tuesday night. Waoh!)
During the event, a video was shown. Towards the end, photos of the 3 cities Kingdom City is currently in flashes across the screen. That split second, something hit me so hard that I couldn't stop the tears from rolling down. God spoke to me: This is my city, these are my people.
So simple, yet more powerful that I have ever imagined it to be. How many times have I failed to see that myself? That Phnom Penh belongs to Jesus, that Kuala Lumpur belongs to Jesus, that Perth belongs to Jesus. Indeed, Kingdom City.
This has been such a humbling 3 weeks for me. In a new place where no one knows who I am, people enfold me as they would a new believer. Explaining to me why going to Connect Group is so important, and me not having the attitude of "yeah yeah, been there, done that". Taking the initiative to help clean up the venue even though I know no one around me, silently picking up the garbage and not expecting a thanks (at most weird glances cuz they have no idea who is this girl who pops out from no where haha). I am learning again how to be a servant of all.
So you might know that I have started a new blog in the hope of becoming a professional blogger. I think it's a really fun thing to try out, and I have been experimenting with the different types of post to put onto the blog. Make-up post has the most view so far.
Then I start to realize how much of my personal life that I have shared with unknown people in the internet over the past few years in this blog. Granted, it's not a high-traffic blog, but still, it feels that I have shared a big part of my life with whoever read this. Just want to say thank you, for being part of the journey. It gets crazy at times.
Wrote a very personal entrance over at my new blog today. Far more personal than anything I have ever posted here, in fact. It feels intimidating, to let unknown faces share that part of my personal self. But still, let's see where that will take me then...
