::End::

Today marks the end of exam, not much big deal really, compared to the rest of the stuff going on.

I dunno if i'm slow or what, but i just realized today that i will have no holiday AT ALL this time around, but doesn't matter! i wouldn't trade it for anything else.

It's just quite intimidating, that's all.

the thought of working full time for the next 6 months starting from next next week. Don't really know what to expect, and i really hope that i can utilize the next sem apart from going from project to project.

i am like a shifting shadows, and i changes, a lot.

just recently, i decided not to go into advertising after all, there's just this aura that i couldn't quite pen down until today. As i was sitting in the exam hall taking my advertising exam, it suddenly dawn on me, like a revelation.

I don't like advertising cuz most of the time your hard work is not equivalent to your result. so what if you are diligent and hardworking? so what if you stay up all night to think of ideas? at the end of the day, if it's not accepted, then it's nothing, just another piece of paper to be thrown away. Well, of course no one will discredit the hard work one has to put in for every single ad, it's just that, the whole thing seem so not....fair...

yah, i know,i am a childish person to still be thinking that it would be fair in the working world. me being childish is not equivalent to it being good though.

just now was reading the book Experiencing God, one thing i realize i've been doing more- planning, one thing i've been doing less- praying. This is totally not good. It's not really about this one best or that one best, and the end of the day, even if it's best in everyone's eyes, what good is it if it's not what God wants me to do?

"What good would Abraham have done by telling God how he was planning to take a survey of Sodom and Gomorrah and go door-to-door witnessing the day before God was going to destroy the cities?"

totally loving the analogy.

it's not WWJD, but rather, What Does Jesus Wants Me To Do?

As it marks the end of year 3 semester 1 for me, it also marks the end of my school life with the nbs peeps forever. yah, my RB told me at the beginning of this sem that i should treasure this sem cuz it will be the last we'll have together as school mates.

have i treasured this sem well?

asi asi

::Negative::

i started this blog with a secret wish of keeping it positive, to blog about the better things and blessings in life and not just a ranting of my emo-ness like what most people do.

but tonight, just once, please allow me to be weak as well. I'm just human, and an emo one tonight.

nothing bad happened to me, in fact, i am constantly blessed by a lot of things.

it's a mixture of so many things that i dunno what am i feeling anymore.

usually, when i am truly emo, i'll run and hide, i'll escape, i'll refuse to face the world.

so, perhaps it's not that bad tonight.

it's just that i felt crippled...by my inability to love.

something happened to a dear friend of mine today, but i didn't know what to do.

and as i was staring into thin air thinking what to do, i realized how long it has been since i last had a good chat with her.

i realized..i really dunno what to say or do..

it felt like there's nothing i can say or do that will help...

i overheard (ok, i eavesdrop) the conversation of 3 old ladies on the train today. they started talking about their family, A said that ever since the parents died, there's very little among the siblings, she went on to talked about her brother that died. B talked about her sister who's staying with her cause got no where to go and her brother's family don't like her sister. C talked about how it has been years since they gathered with their good friends.

waoh, i've thought about my parents dying before, but not my own siblings.

waoh, will my family become like that? broken after the death of my parents?

waoh, in this wide wide world, will i lose contact with people i treasured forever?

but actually, i'm seeing these unfolding in my own life.

i don't really know most of my cousins, and after my grandparents passed away, we didn't really gather anymore, who don't like who all those kinda thing.

i once had a close friend that became my ex-close friend after a misunderstanding, i don't really know how is she now, i missed those times when we joked about becoming "shao nai nai".

for the few past relationships that i have had, i lost contact with almost all of them, how are they doing now? if only we can still be friend.

i haven't seen some of my best friends for years already, i really miss them.

i missed those times where everything is simpler.

though i would not trade my life now for anything else.

life,

it's filled with things out of our control.

relationship.

what a weird thing.

it seems as if our whole existence is defined by it.

family and friends- apparently all human relationship fall into these two categories.

why two? are there really so many different type of love? how do we know which one is which? is there a framework to define what kind of "love" we're having for different people at any one point of time?

family- years to be like friends.

friends- yearns to be like family.

why?

why do i feel sad when i dunno what's going on in my friends' lives?

why is it important to know anyway?

why do i feel sad when i only get to know what happened in the lives of people i see frequently through blogs or other people?

why do i not know what to do when i wanna care for other people?

why does it hurt me when other people are the one troubled?

why didn't i just go and ask what's going on when i really wanted to know?

why did i turned around and act as if i don't care?

on the other hand, why do i go on pretending when i'm not?

standing under the moon light and the stars,

i lean my head against the leafs,

hearing the rustling of wind,

it's as if God is saying "I am here"

life, is still beautiful after all.

right?