Eva

::Twelve::

2012-01-01T02:35:00.002+08:00

2012.

Some says the world is going to end. I say if it's going to end anyway, why spend all the time worrying about it while letting the present slipped past you?

It was a hectic month of December. Seen a lot, felt a lot, questioned a lot. Yet, it seems like there's more questions left unanswered.

Very grateful that I went Myanmar. The near impossibility and the enormousness of the work yet to be done in Myanmar made me walk away feeling like a tourist. Now that i think about it, perhaps it's because i actually do not know what can someone as small as me do in front of this huge giant, that i became a bystander - still giving my best but not taking the ownership.

The gigantic Shwe Dagon makes me feel puny. I cannot imagine standing in front of such an enemy and trying to bring it down.

But, somehow i know it can be done. Just that i lack the faith to believe that i can be the one doing it.

Somehow also, i know that this year will be very crucial for me. My level of faith will be the turning point for many things in my life.

I am sorry if you are reading this and this makes no sense to you. Perhaps, this time, typing this out is sincerely an act to help myself rather than the readers.

::Will::

2011-11-20T16:57:00.002+08:00

Life is so fragile.

I am starting to plan for a will recently. like.... donating my organ, what song to play on the funeral...

The world is passing me back, and i am still holding on to that yesteryear's wish: to live with no regrets.

Think i am more melo recently, not as noisy, and i am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. Well, at least i am not being emo

::Fast::

2011-11-16T16:52:00.003+08:00

Fasting for the coming few weeks. To ask for greater wisdom and direction, to prepare my heart for mission trip, and simply because i want to...

Since it's the exam season, i am back in exam HQ again after missing out on the action for...this whole year? haha, since i spent the first half of the year in zoo.

the thing is, it's exam and everyone inevitably eat together for every single meal. i will reject these and receive a lot of "but why?", then there will be other people saying because i ate too much snacks just now or i want to save money etc.

i dunno, i just don't like telling people that i am fasting. it invites look of i-dunno-how-to-describe from other people. also dislike the feeling that someone who is fasting is "more spiritual", well, i am not. and don't like to be labeled as that as well.

4.56pm, third day into exam period. and i am starting to plan for my post-exam to-do list. haha.

oh wells, at least i am not stressed ;p

::Money::

2011-10-04T00:32:00.002+08:00

Daddy, your children gave me money again. I casually put it into my bag, while being speechless once again. I forgot about it after one day, it's only till last night that i casually took it out. Only then i realized the amount they have given me. The amount is beyond my comprehension. Daddy, actually, i know, i am not that good and angelic. i am humbled once again.

::twotwo::

2011-09-22T20:28:00.003+08:00

Today is my twenty-second birthday. When the clock reached 12am last night, I was filled with a lot of emotions. Mostly gratitude.

I think for the most part, my life is not perfect, yet, there are still many things i am grateful for. Even though my life has not been the best, yet, there's still so much blessings i have received that i know i do not deserve.

Want to say thank you.

Daddy & Mummy: Thanks for loving me and providing for me. It has not been easy supporting my education, but you persevere and believe in me. Thank you for understanding my decision to follow God, though you may not have the full picture yet, i hope that one day you will, then you will understand why it is the best decision i have ever made in my life. You are not the most expressive person on this earth, but i remembered all those moments when you asked me to take care of myself and just go and pursue my dreams without worrying the financial part of it.

Nick & William: Thanks for being my brothers. Life has not been easy on us, we are all too stubborn at time and will say things that hurt each other, but i know that at the end of the day, you will always stand by me. I remembered the time when you guys really hated one of my ex-boyfriend, you guys were so protective over me, and actually, i am very touched. Thank you for loving me and always looking up to me as you big sister, i hope that my life has inspired you.

Bell: thanks for being my friend, thanks for loving my parents more than i do. thanks for considering me before yourself. I love how we still are so close to each other even though we are miles apart and sometimes i hardly call you once in a few months. If life were to go my way, i would have loved to have you close to me so that we can still talk and laugh together. But it's ok, there's something in life that you know will just last till the day we die.

Yanyu: Thanks for being my friend, my course mate, my leader, my shepherd, my fyp mate. Thanks for listening to me when i grumbled and whined about things, thank you for understanding, thank you for always pointing me back to the truth, thank you for your rebuke, thank you for looking out for me and always blessing me with the little things in life. If you are north, i will be south, we are so radically different, but i am grateful of how you look past my flaws and care for me despite the difficulties at times. Actually, the thing i am most grateful for is you asking me the question on whether i want to receive Christ, twice.

Doris: Thanks for being my roomie. I know i am not the best roomie anyone can ask for, but thanks for tolerating with me and letting me know how i can improve. i am thankful that you have came to Singapore and now i can see you everyday. Life is so consuming that at times it feels like we are a couple who don't speak to each other anymore, but i hope you know that i do care and want to be the best roomie that one can have.

Hui Yi: Thank for being sheep. I am often time very encouraged by your growth in God. i am thankful as well that you are someone who is obedient and live out what has been placed in your heart. I remembered the overflowing joy in my heart the day when you were water baptised, nothing beats the joy of knowing another person is having a personal relationship with God. Thank you for your love shown through your own way, i actually feel loved everytime you strangled me in public, because i know that's how you love. I am thankful that although we have different personalities, we worked it out and didn't give up on each other. I am grateful that in this relationship, not only have you grown, but me too.

Qian Ru: thanks for being someone i can turn to in moments of weakness. thanks for accepting all my flaws and wrongs with grace. Thanks for always blessing me by treating me to food. I know that i have not been the easiest person to lead, but i am thankful that you did not give up on me, and i'm thankful that you are always there if ever i run into troubles. I am honored to have you in my life.

Xing Dan: thanks for being in my lg and encouraging me whenever i need it the most. you are a miracle that happened to me this year, i was so happy when you came to know God a few months ago, because i understood your loneliness, and i know that now that you have God in you, everything won't be the same anymore. i am thankful for the friendship we have, especially those times when we had the leisure of cooking together over the weekend, i really really hope that we can cook again soon. Thank you for giving me this chance to speak into your life, thank you for giving me your trust, it means a lot to me.

Ying Jie: Thanks for being my best friend. i am thankful for those times that you listened to my ranting and just be there for me even when you have no wise solution for me. thank you for always caring and praying for me. i am most grateful for all the exam seasons we have been through together, it's very encouraging to have someone who's fighting alongside me. I know we'll get to the end together someday.

Kok Siong: Thanks for always helping me to move house despite it not being very convenient for you. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and moments with me vulnerably. Thanks for being a sincere friend who care how i am doing. i am grateful that i am serving along side you as we will be able to build each other up along the way.

Tracy: Thanks for being in my life, as a friend, a leader, ex-roomie and fellow advertising peep. Thank you for your wise counsel and willingness to accept my flaws. I am grateful for this chance to serve with you and to learn form you, and to get to know you better as a friend. I am grateful for all the blessings you have shown to me. Thankful for your thoughtfulness and understanding, thank you for the listening ears and willingness to guide me even when you were busy at times.

Zach: Thanks for being my friend, thanks for all the care and concerns over my fyp. Thanks for the prayers. i am thankful that our friendship continues after you graduated. I am grateful for all the little blessings you have given. Thanks.

God: They say we keep the best for the last. That's why i decided to dedicate the last post to you. Thanks for coming into my heart a few years ago, the moment when i found you, somehow, something deep inside me just know that everyone may fall away, but you will never let me go. Thank you for looking me with all my flaws and sins and wrong, and yet love me all the more. i am thankful that you have never given up on me, thankful that you are always there, that you will never leave me nor forsake me. i am thankful that even before anyone in this world know me and love me, you already did. i am thankful that you have remained with me even while i have fallen away at times. i am thankful that you know me through and through and love me through and through. thank you for loving me before you love yourself, thank you for being the one that i can go to unashamedly every time. Thank you for giving me little surprises along the way, like a rainbow, a beautiful sunset, or people along my path. Thank you for showing me the bigger picture i can claim as my own. Thank you for coming into the darkest corner of my heart and showing me that you do not despise that part of me, that you care more than i know, that you feel the pain and is hurt just as i am. Thank you for walking with me, bringing me up when i no longer have the strength to do so. Thank you for being the most beautiful thing that has ever happened in my life. Now i live knowing that apart from you i am nothing. You know that you'll have me forever, no matter what happens, no matter what other people say. It's you and me against the world. Thank you.

::Intervene::

2011-08-29T00:48:00.003+08:00

I started the day with a new understanding for the word "priesthood", and its high relevance to the word "intercede".

I ended the day with a new understanding for the word "intercede", and its high relevance to the word "intervene".

What a liberating Truth i learn today. Prayer is not pettily wishing for something to happen, it is the claiming and proclamation of the victory we already have in Christ.

I shall proclaim that FYP will be finished victoriously!

::Blooms::

2011-08-24T23:00:00.002+08:00

又到了花开的季节，这是我在南大的第四个花季。要说它是花季其实也不然，但，当那小小朵的白花随风飘下，心中又是充满了那么多的感动。

第四个花季，也代表了这是我在主怀抱的第四年。

当初，我不是为了接受耶稣才来到南大的。但，现在回头看，我真不敢想像，如果没有主，现在的我会是个什么样子。

在我生日的那天，高高兴兴地和燕羽在市区逛了逛，吃了一直超想吃的雪糕，拍了大头贴，也聊了好久好久。

除了满满的感恩，也还是满满的感恩。

在过去的三年里，第一次深深的体会到生命竟然可以如此地丰盛，快乐，奇妙。心，就是活在这种欢愉里。

当然，也有过那么多无眠的夜晚，当全世界仿佛都停止的时候，在那黑夜里独自默默掉的泪，只有主看到，也只有主能擦掉。

赞美之泉的付出的爱充分的表达了我内心的感恩。

每当我想起你宝贵十架

为了我的过犯你受刑罚

为了我得医治你受鞭伤

为了我得救赎付上代价

每当我想起你牺牲的爱

我要高举双手献上敬拜

我的心要不停献上感谢

主耶稣你为我做的一切

尊贵羔羊

配得我赞美

荣耀君王

配得我尊崇

再次献上赞美祭

我灵向你歌唱

感谢主你为我付出的爱

" 在你的院宇住一日，胜似在别处住千日；宁可在我　神殿中看门，不愿住在恶人的帐棚里。"-

詩篇 84:10

::Foreign::

2011-08-20T00:05:00.004+08:00

The topic of the influx of foreigners in Singapore is heating up again. While i doubt it will go down anytime soon, hearing what other people have to say hurts my heart a lot.

I am not a political student, i did not study public policy. But one thing i know, God created all men in His image and love them equally.

Take away all other considerations, i truly believe that all men should be treated with respect, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. You see, that is exactly why it's called Grace- because we never really did deserve it in the first place.

I feel sad, helpless, and muted, when i look at the loud voices out there that are saying all sorts of thing about the "other" group of people. Indonesian, Indian, Malaysian, Chinese blah blah blah.

Discussion goes on and on about whether "they" should be allowed to come blah blah blah. How about "them" then? Does anyone even want to know what "they" think?

A lot of time, i feel like being a foreigner here is a tiring thing, like being dragged to the slave market and waiting for people to shout out how much i worth without the chance of saying anything. And if i do say anything (like what i am doing now), whether people will even listen to it, much less respect it.

Sometimes (not all the time), i feel conscious walking on the street, there is this desire to blend in; there is this mute button to my mouth when i hear people talking about "foreigners", because i am guilty as charged.

Sometimes, i feel sorry for the indian man that got his bag checked at the mrt station while the rest of us walk by with equally big (if not, bigger) bags.

When the talks go on about how unfairly locals have been treated, my heart goes out for those who are sincerely trying their best to make Singapore their home and work hard with their own hands, and even those who don't seem to be "qualified to be empathized".

It is hard, leaving home and going to a foreign place where you are not welcomed to call it home. There are really some of us out there who loves our native lands a lot and at the same time are trying our best to just fit in.

Before I hear another word about fairness, equality, justice and all those big argument, i simply wish that people can start treating each other through the perspective that we are all just human. From dust we come, and to dust we will return one day. Can't we love before we judge?

Before fingers start pointing, i want to remember, the sinner that has received undeserving grace is me first and foremost.

If this post ever get noticed by more than 10 people, it will probably be hammered and shred to pieces. But i just have to say, i am not that proficient in responding to long posts.

::Crazy::

2011-08-08T21:12:00.005+08:00

This must be crazy.

Now that i come to think of it, it's all crazy. Yet, i have this contradicting feeling inside of me that i am going to die but not.

Taking 2 part time jobs, having 1 and potentially another tuition job, paying more than what i have for rental each month, taking 5 modules this semester, doing FYP without knowing what i'm doing, taking on greater ownership in children ministry, taking care of more people in my life group, trying to be a helpful senior to the freshies, keeping in touch with my family, wanting to care for my malaysia friends more, learning guitar, doing housework, taking care of my sheep, planning meetings, being in deco ministry, wanting to spend time with my yr4 buddies, bible study, listening, talking, counselling, sharing, cleaning, cooking, washing... ...

To add to it, i am blogging now.

It's the first day of school, and i am starting to feel tired. This is all crazy, and the unknown adventures i will go through in my final year are going to be crazy as well.

Just to mentioned one that's particularly intriguing, a grandma hold my hands and walked me across the road last Saturday. Perhaps i looked too fragile, perhaps God asked her too, anyway i felt super loved <3

With that said, i think i am going to be all right if i do it with God, because He is more than able and forever faithful.

Ps: somehow ppl have the impression that i lay back and do nothing about my life, well, just wanna say that's not true, i believe in doing the best i can humanly, while knowing that life itself is not for me to control. For ppl that have known me and wonder why i said what i said, hope this clarifies. :) [i shall add a smiley face here just in case you thought i said that with much bitterness.haha]

::Children::

2011-07-21T00:15:00.004+08:00

Today was an awesome, so i shall blog about an awesome revelation i had yesterday :D

I was reading someone's reflection on mission yesterday, and i was so amazed and touched when i see how God revealed His heart for the little ones to this person. We indeed serve the same mighty God and His plans shall prevail.

Last Sunday, i had the privileged of serving the little ones again. This sounds kinda creepy but there's this one day back in sabah when i was eating breakfast, and i look to the table across us, and the little boys sitting there look so much like 2 of my kids that i almost said their names out loud. LOL.

A brother brought his 2 little brothers to church, heard that they haven't come for a while. So i was very glad to bring them to church, they are amazing boys, and while talking to them, i was thinking at the back of my mind of how awesome it would be if i can win them to Christ. It is such a joy to imagine the endless possibilities of who they will be 20 years down the road if they have Jesus in their hearts.

Jotham also brought a smile to my face as the patience spent in comforting him and encouraging him to join the group paid off in the end :) This little cool kid always hold a special place in my heart, maybe it's the way he always reached out to let me hug him even when he is crying, or maybe it's that small little smile he suddenly has when he does coloring and blows bubbles.

On tuesday, i went to airport to send off the Vietnam STM team, and to my pleasant surprise, the facilitator's daughter who's going along to Vietnam is 2 years old Melia who just transferred to our group. :) She's such joyful kids with lotsa curiosity for the world around her. And i am very glad that the world around her will be guarded by her loving parents.

I have a revelation after i finished reading the mission reflection. It's not something new, but rather a confirmation of what God had placed in my heart since the Ripple Conference. The vision i had 2 years ago regarding missions was brought to mind, and i suddenly realized that the people who represents the lost that had appeared in the visions are all children! I have absolutely no idea why this has never register in my mind before. But i am glad God brings this to my attention now, to assures me once again i am on the right track.

I remember filling in the survey form handed out by a sister from The Navigators, one of the question was if i get to meet God, what would i like to tell Him. I wrote there: Am i on the right track?

That survey form later earned me a file from them, which in turn brought me to the right track, via a sister who shared Christ to me.

Stepping into the final year of Uni, i am glad God's answer is this: Yes.

::Real::

2011-07-05T02:52:00.003+08:00

Finally, in the quiet of the night, i have time to blog.

Being back at Sabah hasn't turned out the way i have expected it to be. Some better than i thought, some worse, all in all, it could have been better i guess.

There's many things to give thanks for, like eating nice food, hanging out with friends, shopping, visiting Hope KK, and going fishing with my dad and brother.

But, one thing that i haven't done as well as i would have hoped seems to make the rest look insignificant, and that's my time spent with God.

Going out everyday, slacking at the couch and watching drama have filled my mind with a lot of noises. And the fact that the more i reflect about certain things in my life, the more i can't make sense of it is giving me a headache and makes me want to just go to sleep.

How childish is that.

Oh wells, saying is one thing, but in reality, i can't just "go to sleep" and forget about it. It bugs me every single time something trigger the button in my brain and make me think of it again. And the more i think and pray about it, more things will be revealed and brings out more questions.

Somehow, after one whole day of having fun and "busyness", i would only feel like i'm living and that the day has begun the moment i open my bible. I dunno how to describe this, but, on the days that i didn't open my Pooh Bible, it just feels so....empty...and tiring....

After 34 months of living with Him, i now can't live without Him.

In the midst of everything, i see one thing that is real:

"Fulfilling the Great Commission by raising Christ-centred disciples to plant vibrant, biblical churches in Kota Kinabalu, Malaysia and all over the world."

Just because Hope KK has a small place for worship, doesn't mean that they have a smaller God. Just because other mega churches have humongous buildings doesn't mean that they have a more extravagant God.

He is the same.

Hope KK is so small that the pastor know every single person by name, and greet all the visitors (including me) by name before he began his sermon. It is in this small place, that i hear from God for the first time in my life how BIG He is.

And for the first time in my life, i had praise and worship in 3 different languages consecutively in one session! :)

Ironically, He has graciously allowed my QT to be quite fruitful, despite my unfaithfulness to it. What more can i say except His grace is enough for me?

This is what's real

::Go::

2011-06-10T00:34:00.003+08:00

This is an unfinished post that i will continue after my internship ends.

But for some reasons untold, i m just very compelled to type this right now:

If we do not see the need of outreach, if we think that mission is for other people, if we don't feel the compassion for people,

then perhaps,

we don't really know what is salvation,

even our own salvation.

Perhaps the Holy Spirit knows you will be reading this now. So, hope this help, whoever you are.

::Honesty::

2011-05-18T19:58:00.004+08:00

I'm blogging from my cubicle right now. Can't believe i actually stayed back until this time. And that i am actually blogging on the only day i stayed back.

Honesty is hard to live out nowadays, i'm not sure whether it's good or not..but i've learnt over the years that people treasure honesty, but not when it's something they do not want to hear.

I've learnt to smile when I disagree with people, instead of saying it out. I've learnt that it's called acceptance and grace, not sure whether it is even right.

Honesty, one thing that I cannot practice most of the time.
Whether at school, or at work, or at home, or on the street, or at church.

Nope I am not feeling emo..I'm just feeling confused, I guess. I'm confused if even this feeling is called confused.

Is it wrong? to speak out loud what everyone knows to be true? to state the fact and ask why is it like that?

I feel tempted to post certain things in my mind right now..but i shall refrain..yet another honesty that perhaps will make people feel uncomfortable..

::Emotions::

2011-05-03T00:03:00.002+08:00

have been wanting to blog..but there's a lack of time, and the lack of a suitable one-word title.

it has been an intensive 3 weeks for the new lifegroup that i am currently in, it feels like God 很看得起us, that it seems like He put us right to the training ground with no "chill & relax & do nothing" time in between.

Personally it has been an emotion roller-coaster for the past 3 weeks. Great joy and great sorrow.

And man, it's so tiring to experience both at the same time.

Within the past 3 weeks, we had one new spiritual baby, one death in the family of one of our LG member, LG sleepover, Easter season, ANOTHER new spiritual baby, my uncle having car accident, winning a car-squeezing contest, exam season.

So it's like: happy, sad, happy, sad etc.

Personally for me, it tested what i promised God before about having control over my emotions and to go beyond the call of duty despite my tiredness. Many many times, i am tempted to just call people i know and spill out all my emotions and be comforted, to have people give me a pat at the back or tell me it's alright, then i realized, God is the best comfort and support i can ever have. It is one thing to know that God will comfort us, quite another to really be comforted by Him personally. It just put everything to rest and assurance.

I am glad that i am closer to God through these 3 weeks, and having the faith to know for sure that no matter what happen, God holds us in His hands.

Thank you.

::Hope:

2011-03-27T22:54:00.003+08:00

There's this joke that people in my church always made: there's hope in Hope.

it's kinda lame, but, not less true...

Today is a beautiful day. Very blessed by the time at Hope Tots.

Today i manage to made Jotham, the uber cool kid, laugh. Glenda actually remembered my name and ask to sit with me during worship. Joanne actually talk.

Aunty Jane commented that one of the kids, Caleb, is very fluent in speech, and i replied: yup, time to move on already. (ps: once a kid reach the age of 4, he/she will move on to another "SubD")

As i look at my ministry with the children, i realized how similar it is to discipleship in the uni group.

When they are still young, you try to run around catching them, make sure they don't fall, make sure they don't eat the wrong stuff, trying very hard to explain to them why cannot do certain things.

And when one day you see them telling the other kids don't cry, picking up the toys when they fall on the floor, come into the room and know where to put the bag and where to put the shoes, then you'll know, they are ready to move on already. They have already grown up and your job here at this phase of their life is done.

It's kinda a bitter-sweet moment, just hoping that maybe they can stay back at this place a little while more because you've grown to love them so much. Yet, at the same time, you can't wait to let go your hands so that they will really soar and find their own joy in that sky. Even if 10 years down the road, they might not remember you name, it will just make you proud to know that you have been part of that life.

(i sound like a mum :) this is my happy complaint )

Anther small gift form God is the glorious view of sunset i managed to catch just now, it's far better than any romantic scene in korean drama. For the reason that it's from God and He even bothered to gave it to me.

And i met Serene "the church-planter" today, and in her conversation with another sister, i heard the word "Nepal" and my eyes lit up. That's my bucket-list country! Therefore, i shall exercise more (like i did today) so that if i were to go Nepal or Tibet one day, no one can tell me my body is too weak therefore cannot go. Nope, i shall let no doctors and well-meaning people stop me.

The meh meh is gonna be a guitarist, i am quite happy and proud of her, i hope that one day i will see her soar too.

::Story::

2011-02-24T23:55:00.003+08:00

One of the things i take away from cg last night- everyone has a special story to tell.

it's true what eng how once told me: everyone is normal until you become their shepherd..oh well, in my case, a caregroup member.

was just musing over this on the bus to hougang just now.

The couple sitting in front me of me, i wonder what's their story..they look about 30-ish, with no rings so might be not married yet.. the lady keep staring at the baby sitting across them while the guy tried to look away or have some small chat with the girlfriend. i wonder if the guy don't like children, why doesn't he like children? commitment? fears? memories from the past? or is it he already has children? (you'll never know). how about the lady, will she feel sad that she don't has a kid yet? does she even want a kid? hmmmm

how about the mum with the daughter, why did she come to the zoo alone with a less than 2 year old toddler? where is the husband? does she even has a husband?

and that couple hugging each other over there. how long have they know each other? do they really love each other? will they marry each other?

and the baby boy who just can't seem to sit still...how will his story be 20 years down the road?

it's really interesting to think of all these, apart from stopping me from falling asleep while standing and knocking over someone, think it's just quite amazing how in 24 hours, every single person on this earth are weaving our own stories...and after the sun set and rise, some continue while others not, yet, still other starts theirs anew....

on the cab back to NTU, had the fortunate experience of getting to know a very interesting uncle...his story is very amazing as well.. at the age of 50 plus, he have had a fairly good life, with amazing story to tell about his life...perhaps after i retire, i can be a cab driver as well..so that i can tell my story to others (hope it's amazing enough, haha)

hope i will meet him again...well, i guess it's another of those amazing things about life, how in that half an hour, together in that tiny space, we share our stories and our life, and when i closed the door behind me, he became just another face in the crowd and we might never meet each other ever again...

Behind every name is a story.

Behind every story is God's unfailing love.

::Hundred::

2011-02-20T21:35:00.001+08:00

i just realized my last post was the 100th post i have posted on this blog. Waoh! what a mark of perseverance..wakakaka..

Thus, making this the 101th post..it sounds so romantic right?

Thanks Timothy for commenting on my 100th post...haha..you'll get a surprise gift for that..wait for it k...wakakaka..

[i am just sprouting nonsense because i have to go back to work again tomorrow...clearly sound-minded is not that prevalent in my head right now]

::Tired::

2011-02-17T00:15:00.003+08:00

"Jesus, tired as he was from the journey, sat down by the well. It was about the sixth hour. "- John 4:6

The passage following this verse, Jesus will change the life of many people.

This is a passage that always touches me in more ways than one. But today, i see it in a new light yet again.

Jesus was tired, we can all get tired once in a while, some of us are constantly tired even. But what's different was Jesus lived with the consciousness of God in his life, therefore lives were changed, people were healed.

Today, Cassie Eva Seow, tired as she was from work \ministry\school......

how would i end my sentence? would i be one that changes life?

Yes, we are all tired and busy and always pressed for time, yet, it should never be the excuse for me to turn a blind eyes to people around me, to greater things that can be done in this city if only i see, if only i see what Jesus had seen, not his tiredness, but this woman that has been waiting for God, the Messiah, someone to come and save her...

eva, tired as she was from work, saw the people whose hearts are broken, whose eyes are blinded, whose body are chained by sins. eva make a difference in these people's life.

i hope that my book of life will be filled with such sentences.

::Calling::

2011-02-09T23:41:00.003+08:00

There was once that i thought i have found my calling, it's not until these few days that i realized i was wrong.

The calling remains the same, but it was never mine to begin with, it has all along been His burden.

To phrase it more appropriately, i think it's not "my calling" per say, but rather at a time that God has deemed right, He has opened my eyes to what He has been doing and wanting to do all along. It has been His mission right from the beginning, it's just that He has shared it with me and now i have made a choice, a choice to make this burden the purpose of my life.

It's not work, but His.

::Reunion::

2011-02-04T02:00:00.002+08:00

也许，如果团圆饭不是“团圆”饭，那我也不会有这苦涩的滋味。

但，尽管苦涩，我也满平静的，因为，现在，我有了活着的理由。

那份打从心低的喜悦与满足，是不会因为周围的状况而改变的。

::Sacrifice::

2011-01-26T21:32:00.002+08:00

"Two words in the Christian language cannot go together: No, Lord. If you say No, He is not your Lord. If He really is your Lord, your answer must always be Yes." - Experiencing God

"Thomas had been saved in a refugee camp in Thailand...... He went through the community trying to led his Laotian brothers to Christ. The first week Thomas led fifteen adults to the Lord. The next week he led eleven to the Lord, and he wept because he felt he was so unfaithful to the Lord" - Experiencing God

“King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up.”- Daniel 3:17-18

When you see the greatness of our God, then you'll truly know, there is nothing that you cannot lose. Is that sacrifice really that big in the light of eternal salvation? You can lose all things in life and yet still have life itself, and when even that is taken away..so what? If I perish, I perish.

It's time to start reevaluating do we really know how great God is.

::Narnia::

2011-01-22T23:52:00.003+08:00

Had a stay over with my little "circle of trust". We watched Narnia 1 to 3 together. The scene i remembered the most was the one when Lucy went into the forest to look for Aslan, and suddenly the flowers dance around her, and the tree came to life and made a path for her, one look at the path and any idiots will know that this must be leading to something good. Sure enough, Aslan was waiting for her at the end of that path.

It reminded me of the verse: God will make your path straight.

The most important thing of that straight and narrow path is this: He, the sum of all beauty and love, will be there with me.

This is the reason i walked that path.

::Work::

2011-01-11T13:17:00.003+08:00

It's the second week of work. Apart from the animals in the zoo, there's nothing much exciting going on..
hmm..let me see..the most fun i had was folding the letters into two, then peel off the sticky thing on the envelope and then put the letter in, and seal it....

oh yah, i pushed the trolley and pretended there's a baby sitting on it.

God, please show me why am i here.

::Jam::

2011-01-03T23:29:00.004+08:00

My brain is having traffic jam.

i really don't have the time to sit down and summarize every single thing that has been happening lately, that's because there's no break in between the things.

Went to STM at Jemara straight after Christmas (which was itself straight after exam), and after i came back, i started my internship with only one day break in between. (spent the day lying on bed feeling tired and watched some dramas to compensate for my lack of holiday). All in all, it's like so many happenings that should have taken longer to happen, but somehow, dunno why, they all happened in one shot.

I really want to write down every single thing, but for now, i shall settle on writing about the first day of my internship (cuz this is the easiest to write.)

I spent half of the day memorising the terms and conditions of different types of zoo membership packages, the other half of the day cross-checking application forms and the database. In conclusion, if you want to kill your dreams and destroys your purpose in life, do this for one month.

But i do believe that i won't be doing this for that long..a few days at most? I am hoping that it will kill off all those selfish dreams of mine, who knows, all this dream-killing might turn out for the better good.

Apart from that, all my colleagues seem quite nice, i was sick today so i probably looked like a totally hopeless intern in front of them, don't think i contributed much, but slowly bah, things will pick up along the way i think :)...And the office is literally stuffed with stuffed animals, i have pictures of giraffes swimming in my head now. Personally, my favorites are the flamingos and the orang utans (i mean the soft toys).

The best part about working in zoo?

The ANIMALS :D

Today i saw quite a few animals that I've never seen in my life, i'm taking my time slowly to explore every small corner of the zoo. Saw the white tiger, babirusa, tapir, kangaroo (do you know that they never stop growing?!), emu, pygmy hippo, warthog (man they are smelly!) , baby peacock (they were roaming around right outside my office).

The best part of the day?

Today i saw the most beautiful sunset in Singapore ever since i came here 2 and a half years ago. A big big lake, and the sun with orange clouds, with nothing in between (like literally no building at all.)...thanks Jesus for the first day gift :)

I know it's from Him because only Him always gives me unexpected gifts that is the best.

Went to Sing Africa event, 2 things encourages me the most:

1, the people from Hope Kenya

2, the people from Hope Singapore

i love the song one of the brother has composed by himself (sorry, i honestly can't remember the name ;p)...simple and sweet...i love the sharing that is sincere and sweet (basically, everythins is sweet.)

i am encouraged by the people form Hope Singapore as well, for being hospitable and caring, but most of all, for having the hearts to go and do missions and plant churches, frankly, sometimes i thought that i am the only one with all these crazy ideas in my head, lately, after interacting with more people, i realized that i am not the only one that's "crazy" around here, and it's very comforting to know that :)

The reflection of the day: as i walk around zoo wearing my staff badge, people started asking me questions, as if i know, but i guess it make sense, it's like if i am wearing the badge, it's as if somehow i SHOULD know everything and anything about the zoo and be prepared to answer any question, well, at least that's how i've treated hotels staff, teachers, doctors, etc, all those that wear that shiny little thing called badge.

The funny thing is, it doesn't take a genius to know that wearing a badge doesn't make you an encyclopedia. Yet we all go on expecting it.

Personally, i think it's a valuable lesson to be learnt at both ends.

As ambassador of Christ, am i prepared to go out there in "Christ's Disciple" badge and handle every single question and expectation that might come my way? yes, sometimes they are unreasonable, but am i ready to handle them? After all, even if asking an advertising student about zoology is unreasonable, it doesn't mean that i cannot go and read up on zoology so that i can be prepared to answer the next excited tourist.

On the other hand, do i have enough grace and love to see that my leaders, my shepherd and my brothers and sisters are not "know-it-all"? we are all, after all, still living in this side of the heaven. sometimes we think to ourselves : don't tell me they don't even know what this verse means?....why cant' he get what i'm trying to say here?...so how shepherd? so how?...i thought leaders should be better that what i am seeing now?....

Let's have less excuses and more diligence;

Let's have less planks and more grace.

::End::

2010-12-23T01:07:00.004+08:00

Today marks the end of exam, not much big deal really, compared to the rest of the stuff going on.

I dunno if i'm slow or what, but i just realized today that i will have no holiday AT ALL this time around, but doesn't matter! i wouldn't trade it for anything else.

It's just quite intimidating, that's all.

the thought of working full time for the next 6 months starting from next next week. Don't really know what to expect, and i really hope that i can utilize the next sem apart from going from project to project.

i am like a shifting shadows, and i changes, a lot.

just recently, i decided not to go into advertising after all, there's just this aura that i couldn't quite pen down until today. As i was sitting in the exam hall taking my advertising exam, it suddenly dawn on me, like a revelation.

I don't like advertising cuz most of the time your hard work is not equivalent to your result. so what if you are diligent and hardworking? so what if you stay up all night to think of ideas? at the end of the day, if it's not accepted, then it's nothing, just another piece of paper to be thrown away. Well, of course no one will discredit the hard work one has to put in for every single ad, it's just that, the whole thing seem so not....fair...

yah, i know,i am a childish person to still be thinking that it would be fair in the working world. me being childish is not equivalent to it being good though.

just now was reading the book Experiencing God, one thing i realize i've been doing more- planning, one thing i've been doing less- praying. This is totally not good. It's not really about this one best or that one best, and the end of the day, even if it's best in everyone's eyes, what good is it if it's not what God wants me to do?

"What good would Abraham have done by telling God how he was planning to take a survey of Sodom and Gomorrah and go door-to-door witnessing the day before God was going to destroy the cities?"

totally loving the analogy.

it's not WWJD, but rather, What Does Jesus Wants Me To Do?

As it marks the end of year 3 semester 1 for me, it also marks the end of my school life with the nbs peeps forever. yah, my RB told me at the beginning of this sem that i should treasure this sem cuz it will be the last we'll have together as school mates.

have i treasured this sem well?

asi asi

::Negative::

2010-12-10T02:07:00.005+08:00

i started this blog with a secret wish of keeping it positive, to blog about the better things and blessings in life and not just a ranting of my emo-ness like what most people do.

but tonight, just once, please allow me to be weak as well. I'm just human, and an emo one tonight.

nothing bad happened to me, in fact, i am constantly blessed by a lot of things.

it's a mixture of so many things that i dunno what am i feeling anymore.

usually, when i am truly emo, i'll run and hide, i'll escape, i'll refuse to face the world.

so, perhaps it's not that bad tonight.

it's just that i felt crippled...by my inability to love.

something happened to a dear friend of mine today, but i didn't know what to do.

and as i was staring into thin air thinking what to do, i realized how long it has been since i last had a good chat with her.

i realized..i really dunno what to say or do..

it felt like there's nothing i can say or do that will help...

i overheard (ok, i eavesdrop) the conversation of 3 old ladies on the train today. they started talking about their family, A said that ever since the parents died, there's very little among the siblings, she went on to talked about her brother that died. B talked about her sister who's staying with her cause got no where to go and her brother's family don't like her sister. C talked about how it has been years since they gathered with their good friends.

waoh, i've thought about my parents dying before, but not my own siblings.

waoh, will my family become like that? broken after the death of my parents?

waoh, in this wide wide world, will i lose contact with people i treasured forever?

but actually, i'm seeing these unfolding in my own life.

i don't really know most of my cousins, and after my grandparents passed away, we didn't really gather anymore, who don't like who all those kinda thing.

i once had a close friend that became my ex-close friend after a misunderstanding, i don't really know how is she now, i missed those times when we joked about becoming "shao nai nai".

for the few past relationships that i have had, i lost contact with almost all of them, how are they doing now? if only we can still be friend.

i haven't seen some of my best friends for years already, i really miss them.

i missed those times where everything is simpler.

though i would not trade my life now for anything else.

life,

it's filled with things out of our control.

relationship.

what a weird thing.

it seems as if our whole existence is defined by it.

family and friends- apparently all human relationship fall into these two categories.

why two? are there really so many different type of love? how do we know which one is which? is there a framework to define what kind of "love" we're having for different people at any one point of time?

family- years to be like friends.

friends- yearns to be like family.

why?

why do i feel sad when i dunno what's going on in my friends' lives?

why is it important to know anyway?

why do i feel sad when i only get to know what happened in the lives of people i see frequently through blogs or other people?

why do i not know what to do when i wanna care for other people?

why does it hurt me when other people are the one troubled?

why didn't i just go and ask what's going on when i really wanted to know?

why did i turned around and act as if i don't care?

on the other hand, why do i go on pretending when i'm not?

standing under the moon light and the stars,

i lean my head against the leafs,

hearing the rustling of wind,

it's as if God is saying "I am here"

life, is still beautiful after all.

right?

::Interesting::

2010-11-23T00:29:00.003+08:00

Life has been full of unexpected little surprises, jokes, and blessings for the past few days :)

Firstly, my laptop got a new name! Whee~ it's called alegria, it means joy in spanish, cuz there's just so much joy in my life recently, and also i really wanna learn my spanish properly, who knows, it might come to use one day.

Last Sunday was chaos at Hope Tots, a few kids were crying and screaming so insanely loud that they drown out the music during praise and worship, and poor Kah Ong need to scream at the top of his lung during Bible story time. But, the worst of all is poor poor Anne, TWO kids puke on her!! TWO!!

I tried using guitar during worship time for the very first time in Hope Tots, the kids were fascinated b the guitar but they couldn't really hear it properly cuz the crying voices are just too mighty for my poor old guitar.

During worship, i said : "ok kids, now let's sing the song Jesus loves me", one boy actually look up to me earnestly :"chicken?" ...understandably, the adults in the room start to burst out in pure joy...hahaha..i look at him :"no dear, not chicken, it's Jesus"...haha...kids...they are the best :)

At night after having dinner with Kok Siong and Gerard at can2, it suddenly pour down madly. It's like all the women in heaven decided to cry together...or something like that.

In the end, i was soaked and my feet were "dipped" in mud water, yet somehow, i feel strangely satisfied and happy and thankful.

I remembered the days when i was still in primary school, my mum will walk me to and fro the school every single day. And when it rains, she will bring raincoat and slippers for me and we'll brave the shallow flood together.

I remembered the feeling of the mud water rushing through my tiny toes. there's one time that it rain so heavily that we can't even cross the pool of water, it's so fortunate that we manage to meet this lady that offer us a ride.

Last Sunday night felt like that time.

I feel happy waiting for the shuttle bus that seems to take forever to come, because somehow i feel so alive. Somehow knowing that rains and muds are still real in my world, knowing that i am not living in a shell made of steel, knowing that nature is still alive...all these feelings coming together, just make me feel thankful.

Today we had Short Term Missions team meeting.Extremely thankful that somehow God has made the impossible possible, it has been month of uncertainty, one moment i can go then the next cannot, then can, then cannot...it has been months of really saying there's pnly so much i can do and the rest is totally up to God's will...Very thankful for the time as well, we are definitely very different, but that's gonna make it all the more exciting! :)

Thankful that my bank account has more money than i thought, therefore i am able to fund the trip on my own. Thankful for my dear Wildboar that lend me the money, thankful for my dear shepherd who silently help me pay off the rest.

Thankful that i found $1 under the table just now while cleaning up :)

Thankful for the unknown person who left his/her ju hua cha behind, it was put to good used in blessing another person :)

May my week continue to be such as the rest of my week will be loaded with stuff.

::Blog::

2010-11-16T01:53:00.003+08:00

Today i've been reading blogs...now that i have my own laptop ( with a million shoutouts of thanks to "papa"), it will be easier to "stalk" people. with lotsa loves of course.haha

i realised blogging this kinda thing can easily go both ways- helpful or harmful.

i feel a bit sad that i can only hear people's true thoughts through a screen.

i feel sad that perhaps this is because i haven't been caring enough.

i feel sad that so many people are seemingly living a mask.

On another notes, today is really an amazingly blessed days, in so many ways.

i'm thankful for so many people in my life that cross my path today. ( you know who you are :))

i'm thankful for this new laptop.

i'm extremely thankful to God.

and i feel like the quote in my blog is so true in so many ways- we are only strong if we stood even in the storm, we are only giving if we gave even when it hurts.

yah, it's a bitter-sweet day. But it's worth it

::Building::

2010-10-29T00:20:00.002+08:00

Went to textile centre for District Meet this tuesday night...

very thankful for the time.

As i am standing there during Praise and Worship, once again was very touched by the significant of this place. Every inch of this building is built by sacrifices of people in my family.

The last amazement comes when i finally see the most special and awesome and amazing thing about this building.

It's covered by the Blood of the Lamb. Every last inch of it...

Waoh, personally, i think that's powerful, and that's what gonna move this church.

::Marriage::

2010-10-24T23:09:00.002+08:00

Another of my friend just got married, it's so unfortunate that once again i wasn't able to attend a wedding..

Scrolling through the photos in facebook.

Getting married suddenly feels quite scary,i look at their happy faces and think to myself: waoh this is it then? one person that you'll gonna see every single day for the rest of 50 years. Waoh that's scary.

now this is really faith..

...........................still scary..lolx

::Old::

2010-10-23T23:00:00.002+08:00

Nat brought my stuff over just now..i love looking at my photo albums..reminded by my old days..

i love reminiscing the past! LOL (sign of getting old)

and manage to dig up my old blog as well! i was really stupid back then...
anyway, if you are interested of who is Seow Yen Nie before she received Christ, i now give you the permission to look at my old blog..

cassieseow.blog.friendster.com

i can't stop you from judging my old self, but hopefully some will see that i am indeed changed, as i am convinced that i am..

:)

::Friends::

2010-10-17T01:41:00.002+08:00

Church friends fall into a weird category in my life. i dont' particularly like them, don't particularly hate them...with most of them i have nothing in common...yet i can't imagine my life without them..

friends..i have had more than a couple of them in the brief 21 years of my life..i hang out with people i liked..people who liked me..and people who think alike as me [there's less than less people that falls into this category]...some of them grew apart, i kinda expected i will never see them again for the rest of my life..some of them are so far away, try as i may to maintain the friendship, i still fear that one day they will become one of the statistic for the previous category...

but.. people in church...

we kinda just suddenly become friends the moment we step through the door of heaven.
no "exploration" stage, no "settling down" stage...

it's not that i don't like them, i like them for who they are..but..it's not like other friends that i like them for what they do or don't do.

i kinda expect that even if we grew apart, i will see these friends from church for the rest of my life and until eternity...never see their face ever again? that thought seldom cross my mind...and on the few rare occassions that it did, it's definately not because we have "grew apart".

people come..people leave...
church is such a place...

people come..people stay...
heaven is such a place...

i pray innocently and over-positively that none will leave from now on, i want to selfishly see them for the rest of my life and eternity....i am young and excusable for such thoughts still...i dunno if i can still be so innocent 30 years down the road...

there's this saying that if you think you are standing strong today, be even more aware that you don't fall tomorrow.

i still believe that i don't fall into this category..

i believe that no matter what bad things crash me hard in life, i will hold on to Jesus regardless.

how can you leave? how can you turn away when you have tasted Heaven? I cannot.
To deny after you have tasted Heaven, life itself will look like Hell.

30 years down the road, i want to be a naggy mum, a noisy aunt, a devoted child of God.

::Clumsy::

2010-10-03T22:34:00.002+08:00

those who know me well knows that i am a CLUMSY person..here's some of my records:

broke a glass in KBox cuz i jump around while singing and my hand just dunno how swept across the table and the glass shattered. I put the glass cup back on the table and pretend nth happened and walk out of KBox. Sorry KBox.
i was touching the christmas deco in one of those very expensive branded apperal shop, onw of the christmas ball dropped and roll across the floor with the salesgirl staring at me.
i always dripped sauce on my shirt. Gerard can testify to this, he once counted how many times i dropped food onto myself while eating.
i tried a ring in a shop before and the whole top part broke when i try to take the ring out.
i lost a tshirt in the washing machine, yah i dunno what happened.
etc. etc. etc.

The point is, i m so clumsy!

today i paid the consequence, literally.

i walked into a gift shop, Precious Thought; touched one of the small box; it dropped; roll across the floor; i paid

one week of allowance gone.

why am i me?

::Timothy::

2010-09-30T00:35:00.002+08:00

Dear Yeo,

This is an open letter to you, since you warm my heart by commenting that my blog has been dead for a while.

for those irrelevant people who are reading this, tim yeo is a typical singaporean. He dreams of getting married soon...he loves God but hate bunny.

my blog has been dead for a while.. cuz i m just so lazy to blog..
i m very old school... just love my paper n pen..

and i love talking to people face to face. non-verbal communication do account for 70% of our communication, after all..

my blog might be revived after all...due to my slack schedule..
living life is difficult..i might need to vent it off here once in a while..

so tim, keep reading my blog k during your office hour.

tim is my idol, if he can sing, so can i!
Yeah!

:TwentyOne::

2010-09-22T00:40:00.003+08:00

happy birthday cassie..

it's my 21st Birthday..here i am, alone in hall, in the cold computer room with a stranger sitting across the room, typing on a black keyboard that doesn't belong to me.

i had the most peaceful birthday celebration today. An irony, considering most people think that 21st Bday should be one of the biggest day of your life. Well, no alcohol, no fancy party, no loud singing, no cheering, no cake, no candles.

Yet, my heart has never felt this much contentment and peace.

today is a special day, because i have people i love, and people who love me. I have an amazing God, and honestly, that's all i need to be happy.

thank you, for being in my life, for giving me reasons to smile, for giving me courage to stand.

::Past::

2010-08-13T22:53:00.003+08:00

this is the fourth day back home..i dug out a lot of old artefacts from the past...

and i realized how much i have forgotten..and how i actually still remember everything so clearly...i realized for all of the things..it's not that i have forgotten bout them...they are simply tucked away nicely somewhere in the corner...actually...the details are still clear on my mind....

the most amusing discovery of the day was the stack of love letters i have received...and the stack that i wrote but never give out....after so many years....

haha..i was so childish...

i was so stubborn...

i was so stupid..

i was so insecure..

i was so full of fantasy...

i was so emotional....

i was so silly...

.......and sometimes, i still am

[beauty of life]

::Baby::

2010-06-22T01:33:00.002+08:00

This blog has fallen to the category of "dead blogs" for a while now, various reasons contributed to it.

I m just too lazy n tired n busy.
I believe in face-to-face communication, u don't need to know me through my blog.
Some things that happened lately are just too personal to share here..

But i think the new spiritual baby in my CG deserves this post. who knows, one day she will rummage through this blog and discover this entry that was posted for her while she is still a baby, i believe that will be quite precious. =)

[so hui yi, if you are reading this, i really treasures you, i pray that after a lot of years u will read this again and our love will only grow deeper.]

yup, the newB in my CG is called HuiYi. When she received Christ in the middle of the night while we are still in the camp, my brain honestly cannot register at all, frankly i was quite faithless, and when i received the news, i was really unbelievable.

i just came back form follow-up, till now it still feels surreal.

i can only say, this is really a treasure from God that drops from the sky. Me and yanyu was just looking at eaach other all the time before and after the follow-up and keep shaking our head, "this is REALLY NOT us"..lol, i think everyone in the group identify with this, like, we are super cui and discouraged and everything, and at the end of the day, we just continue to pray and pray and pray and gave our best even if our brains were dead most of the time.

Now, we are just giving thanks to God, He moves in ways that we totally didn't expected, i know this is so that we will not rely on ourselves, and to know He is The LORD our God.

By faith, our group will multiply by the end of this year =)

::choice::

2010-03-28T22:21:00.001+08:00

The Choice
by Max Lucado

He placed one scoop of clay upon another until a form lay lifeless on the ground.

All of the Garden's inhabitants paused to witness the event.
Hawks hovered. Giraffes stretched. Trees bowed. Butterflies paused on petals and watched.
"You will love me, nature," God said. "I made you that way. You will obey me, universe. For you were designed to do so. You will reflect my glory, skies, for that is how you were created. But this one will be like me. This one will be able to choose."

All were silent as the Creator reached into himself and removed something yet unseen. A seed. "It's called 'choice.' The seed of choice."
Creation stood in silence and gazed upon the lifeless form.

An angel spoke, "But what if he ... "
"What if he chooses not to love?" the Creator finished.
"Come, I will show you."
Unbound by today, God and the angel walked into the realm of tomorrow.

"There, see the fruit of the seed of choice, both the sweet and the bitter."

The angel gasped at what he saw.
Spontaneous love. Voluntary devotion. Chosen tenderness.
Never had he seen anything like these.
He felt the love of the Adams.
He heard the joy of Eve and her daughters.
He saw the food and the burdens shared.
He absorbed the kindness and marveled at the warmth.

"Heaven has never seen such beauty, my Lord. Truly, this is your greatest creation."
"Ah, but you've only seen the sweet. Now witness the bitter."

A stench enveloped the pair.
The angel turned in horror and proclaimed, "What is it?"
The Creator spoke only one word: "Selfishness."

The angel stood speechless as they passed through centuries of repugnance.
Never had he seen such filth.
Rotten hearts. Ruptured promises. Forgotten loyalties. Children of the creation wandering blindly in lonely labyrinths.

"This is the result of choice?" the angel asked.
"Yes."
"They will forget you?"
"Yes."
"They will reject you?"
"Yes."
"They will never come back?"
"Some will. Most won't."
"What will it take to make them listen?"

The Creator walked on in time, further and further into the future, until he stood by a tree.

A tree that would be fashioned into a cradle. Even then he could smell the hay that would surround him.
With another step into the future, he paused before another tree.

It stood alone, a stubborn ruler of a bald hill.
The trunk was thick, and the wood was strong.
Soon it would be cut.
Soon it would be trimmed.
Soon it would be mounted on the stony brow of another hill.
And soon he would be hung on it.

He felt the wood rub against a back he did not yet wear.

"Will you go down there?" the angel asked.
"I will."
"Is there no other way?"
"There is not."
"Wouldn't it be easier to not plant the seed? Wouldn't it be easier to not give the choice?"
"It would," the Creator spoke slowly.

"But to remove the choice is to remove the love."
He looked around the hill and foresaw a scene.
Three figures hung on three crosses.
Arms spread. Heads fallen forward. They moaned with the wind.

Men clad in soldiers' garb sat on the ground near the trio. They played games in the dirt and laughed.

Men clad in religion stood off to one side. They smiled. Arrogant, cocky. They had protected God, they thought, by killing this false one.

Women clad in sorrow huddled at the foot of the hill. Speechless. Faces tear streaked. Eyes downward. One put her arm around another and tried to lead her away. She wouldn't leave. "I will stay," she said softly. "I will stay."

All heaven stood to fight. All nature rose to rescue. All eternity poised to protect.
But the Creator gave no command."It must be done ... ," he said, and withdrew.
But as he stepped back in time, he heard the cry that he would someday scream: "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Mark 15:34) He wrenched at tomorrow's agony.

The angel spoke again. "It would be less painful ... "
The Creator interrupted softly. "But it wouldn't be love."

They stepped into the Garden again.
The Maker looked earnestly at the clay creation.

A monsoon of love swelled up within him.
He had died for the creation before he had made him.
God's form bent over the sculptured face and breathed.
Dust stirred on the lips of the new one.
The chest rose, cracking the red mud. The cheeks fleshened. A finger moved. And an eye opened.

But more incredible than the moving of the flesh was the stirring of the spirit.
Those who could see the unseen gasped.

Perhaps it was the wind who said it first.
Perhaps what the star saw that moment is what has made it blink ever since.
Maybe it was left to an angel to whisper it:"It looks like ... it appears so much like ... it is him!"

The angel wasn't speaking of the face, the features, or the body. He was looking inside—at the soul.

"It's eternal!" gasped another.

Within the man, God had placed a divine seed.

A seed of his self.

The God of might had created earth's mightiest.
The Creator had created, not a creature, but another creator.
And the One who had chosen to love had created one who could love in return.
Now it's our choice.

From In the Eye of the Storm
Copyright (Thomas Nelson, 1997) Max Lucado

::Judge::

2010-03-03T23:36:00.002+08:00

In communication school, we learn that every single person on the earth is bias.
Today, i learn that cassie eva seow is self-righteous.

i never thought of myself as self-righteous, seriously!
proud, yes..sarcastic, yes...skeptical, yes...
But today I am humbled to see myself in the mirror as the self-righteous person i really am.

i was going to maybank, and when i reach the ATM machine there was a long queue of bangladeshi-looking guys...i walked away telling myself that i will come back later when the queue is shorter.

But when i got back after a stroll in the pet shop, the queue got longer, so i decided to wait.
Then i told myself that i am really bored standing there, so i shall read the philosophy book i borrowed from the library to kill time.

Then it dawn on me.
Actually...
The truth is...
I don't want to queue there..
I don't want to stand near them..
I don't want to be associated with them..
I want to appear more sophisticated than them...
I want to avoid interaction with them..

well of course social scientist can tell you all about the theories involved..how we tend to create different social distance to associate ourselves with people that we like and are similar to us...

But..
I see the truth about myself...

how can i claim to love the world and want to be a missionary if my compassion and mercy and non-judgmental "eye" has an on-off button?

love should not be an emotion we indulged in only with people we prefer.
love should not be a charity work we engaged in only after we see disaster happen to others.

i wonder what would Jesus do?

He probably will have a nice chat with the guy next to me about his girlfriends, and by the time He reach the ATM machine, He would already have shown heavens to that whole line of people.

He probably will be one of the man lining up there with passerby looking at Him and thinking "get out of my sophisticated country".....

these people don't exist in a far away land where i will one day go and change their life.[as ignorant as i am.]
it's here and now...and how easily have i missed the point that Jesus mentioned:
"whatever you did not do for the least of these, you did not do for me." [matt25:45]

and when i was queuing up at 179 bus stop, again i see how much more comfortable i am standing there..i almost feel proud standing there actually...it shows that i am a university student reading a hard-to-understand book. [seriously, i don't actually get what i am reading.]

i learn a precious lesson today.
may it be remembered and not forgotten as i walked away from the mirror.

::Dinner::

2010-02-05T22:05:00.005+08:00

[pardon my not so organized thoughts, weird sentence structure and grammar mistakes.]

I had dinner with yang chao just now, ended up we talked for 2 and a half hour~

Our topic flied from school to holidays to new year to seasons to society to discrimination to identity to escapism to collectivism to individualistic to childhood to love to happiness to purpose of life to books to literature....etc.... It was nice to chat on and on..we finally went to our own room when they closed the lights of the canteen.

There's 2 things that i remember the most from our conversation:

He told me that he just learned this new concept of escapism, and how zai nan zai nv in China feel that they are happier that way..so why not we let people be if they can be happier that way? isn't it better? Something just struck me, how the pattern of this world is evolving to suit the Kingdom of Darkness better. It's also the same thing that struck me while in my lecture just now.

We live in a digitalized world, yes, technology has benefited us in a huge way, but slowly, the ugliness of internet has shown its true color. Despite the advancing of technology, we are actually still in an age that doesn't differ much to the era before industrial revolution where knowledge means power, and the more power we had, the more knowledge we want in order to secure the existing power we had and to gain more and more. Everything is an ugly cycle that is repeating itself, disguising under different names, whether The Church or The Internet, the end goal? Selfishness.

But what's different now is that this ugly cycle has up it's level, it no longer compete with the Kingdom of Light using human only, now it involves inventions of human- non-living things to advance its purpose. The Mighty Internet, eliminated limitation in Speed, Space, Storage [amount of info we are able to hold in our hands]...ultimately, it's gonna eliminate community.

The more speed we have now, the faster even we want things to be done, and this is what the Devil's gonna offer to us- the shortcut; the easy way out; why wait?..

It will be a sad day when we replace our loved ones with a screen or a webcam [wait, is it what we are doing now already?]. The easy way out will promise us names on facebook wall that will not break our hearts, we do not need to talk to a person, we do not need to look at their annoying attitudes, but yes, we can still be friends...at what cost?...We will be just taking all the good things while ignoring the hard part of a relationship that actually will bring us the greater reward.

This questions will keep seducing us with its promise of instant reward and happiness, it will knock on our door and ask us: this is not something bad right?

But you know, life is about taking that risk, the risk of getting heart broken and misunderstood, because with it comes greater reward: the life to the fullest that can only be lived out in a true community, not just a community where everyone is happy and just the way "I want them to be"...A community with emotions; with ups and downs; with shoulders for support and hugs for comfort...real human life..not an imaginary life most of us now live with our friends in the form of a facebook photo.

There's this term in Christianity called "excommunicate", it's basically to kick an unrepentant believer out of the fellowship of the church, my prof said something interesting about this, he said that we are basically "excommunicating" ourselves with the use of internet, it's so true! by expressing our emotions through facebook n blogging instead of talking it through with people, we are really excommunicating ourselves from people who love us, at the same time we are excommunicating them from our lives as well.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying the internet is the ultimate evil that we need to defeat, i'm blogging now aren't I?..what I'm saying is that have we reach a point whereby we do not even be our true self anymore in reality? Do we only dare to express ourselves when we don't need to see people face to face? Do we tuck ourselves away in the comfort zone of internet where we can choose who to be our friends in virtual reality because it's easier than handling the emotions you faced with your parents or friends?

You see, the internet comes to our rescue, promises to save us from the heartbreaks we face from people, giving us the easy way out..and it is very hardworking in making sure that the easy way of the World will be more and more easier- to lure us unto that path.

Looking at the Aurora is awesome, but if in our lifetime we're just gonna be satisfied at looking at a photo without taking the risk to actually go there ourselves, the experience of seeing an Aurora in it's fullest glory will never be ours, and all we can do is imagine in the comfort of our own home how it must be like to stand underneath there, even if for just 5 minutes.

Ultimately, the life to the fullest is freely given to people who not only believe, but also dare to take the risk to really trust and to act upon that trust despite circumstances. Aurora is always there, but it's up to us to take the risk to go and claim it.

Another point that we discussed is on the topic of romantic relationship, he was telling me how romance and love is produced by hormones, it will die down after 3 years. So what should people do after that? Divorce is not good right? then should use law to bind people together? should we emphasis on loyalty instead of love? and there's this drama where the character leave each other to have a break in the relationship and decide that if after 3 years they still love each other then it would be true love and they should be together.

I told him that I belief the concept of what love is is different for everyone, and surely distorted by many, but i truly belief that there is an underlying value of what love is that will be agreed universally, because when God made us, He did so with Love, so surely it is there, perhaps it's just too deep for us to comprehend it completely, but at the same time the universal cry and longing for it is so deep that people can't stand any moment waiting to figure out what it is, that's why we chose to take matters into own hands and take the easy way instead.

As for the hormones of love that dies after 3 years, i told him i belief that love is more than hormones. People tends to glorify the romantic relationship shared by two partners in love, but I belief that it is the same kind of love that parents have for their children as well.

If the excitement and joy a mother first found out that she's pregnant is parallel to the first date, then the pregnancy will be parallel to the dating process, so after 3 years..the child starts to be very naughty, break everything in the house, is a mother who loves her child gonna abandon the child? Likely no right? So what gave us the right to tell our husband or wife that we are sick and tired of them already, that they are not good enough for us anymore?

A first time mum who don't know how to take care of her naughty kid is not gonna "divorce" him just because of it if she loves him, she's gonna do everything she can to love her child, she's gonna learn new things to teach her child, she's gonna protect her child even if others scolded her child to be naughty and she knew it to be true, she's gonna nurture her child and give him the best that she can provide.

A lot of times we forgot that this love should be the same that we hold in other relationships. Instead of searching for the easiest way, it should be protected and nurtured. What is her "secret" to loving her child despite everything? She see herself in the child, she knows by all her heart that first and foremost he is hers, this simple fact is more important than him being naughty.

A mother will lay down her life for the child. When we proclaim we love someone, are we ready to protect and nurture? are we ready to see them as our own loved ones?

Are we ready to lay down our life?

One day a long long time ago, a father choose to take a path that many other questions to protect and love his children, he spent many years in disguise trying to approach his children, no matter how naughty and how many times they doubted him. One day, he laid down his life for his children, many other questions this decision also, but the father wouldn't have it any other way, because he loves his children, even if they were naughty.

That, is my Father. He has loved me for more than 3 years, it has been 21 years in fact.
And I can't wait for many more years together with Him.

::Virtual::

2010-01-15T17:08:00.004+08:00

I'm in communication studies. And studying this in this era means 50% of your modules and what your prof talks about will be about the magical wonder tool called "Internet"

I read a few articles on christianitytoday.com recently that talks about this topic as well.

[http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/communitylife/evangelism/churchvirtually.html]
[http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2010/january/20.14.html]

Seems like everywhere i turn i just see people discussing about Facebook and blogging and on and on...

This is usually where i will start sharing how i feel about this trend and [try to] write some wise stuff, well, i have none of those..obviously everything that can be talked about regarding this topic has already be talked about. and obviously those super eloquent writers out there express it way better than me.

Just wanna take myself as a case study.haha. Personally, facebook is quite dominating in my life. When i went online, first thing i'll do is check email, after that facebook, after that blogs.. i have definitely benefited from all these platforms: keeping in touch with my friends that's overseas [real life personal friend, not random strangers that we tend to anyhow add online], get to know someone better, strength of weak ties..blah blah blah..

But you know what, no matter how powerful msn or facebook is.. They can never replace face to face communication. Non-verbal communication is way more important important than what most people take it to be, even skype or webcam cannot replace face to face communication.

I remember seeing my friend at orchard after 2 years. I tell you, no matter how much we chat on msn or webcam or write something on each others wall, NOTHING, absolutely no virtual interaction during those 2 years can replace the half an hour we spent talking face to face.

::First::

2010-01-11T22:35:00.002+08:00

First day of school. That's why i think it deserves a post.

Yr2 Sem2

Waoh, i am a sophomore =p

Ok, i shall recount the day like writing a composition for my UPSR.haha..

Woke up at 8.11am today, i was determined to get to the library before lecture starts to borrow my textbook. Glad i make it! Turns out Liting n Michelle Er are taking the same module as well =) yeah i'm not alone.

Think i'm so used to going to 99% of the classes by myself already, it's good to have a bit more company for a change. Dunno lerh, am i passive or too busy? seems like i don't have much "social life", or "weak link" going on here, those weak links are very powerful you know..

After that i got to HQ, spent some time there, had lunch with Guo Feng, Corinna, Guan Rui and Hong Yao..Hearing Guan Rui talked about his recent trip to Cambodia got me thinking bout lotsa things..

I went to WKW after that, the renovation works going on there makes the place totally unrecognizable. The dust and the noise are not the worst part actually...the worst part is the color of the doors!! Oh gosh!! Who the hack decided to put that color on all the doors in our lovely school??? IT's like a very dull purpish-pink sorta color..not flattering at all...oh well, maybe i have high degree of uncertainty avoidance, so that's why the change throws me off my feet.

I nearly fall asleep in the lecture...zZzZ...

Well, at least i finally have a module that's gonna use clicker..haha..yah i haven't touch that thing before..think the prof in our school prefer to do it the traditional way-- the hum test..haha

At least the class ended one hour earlier...went to library after that to sit down and study for next week's chapter cuz i decided not to buy book this sem..spent close to one hour reading through chapter 2..[i later realize that chp 2 is not in the syllabus T-T]

Went to HQ after that, quite bored and tired, so just sat there and chat randomly with Kuang Ting, jeek, Kok Siong n DeSouza....

I was contemplating bout skipping my earthlink meeting just now, in the end i still went for it, just feel like it is my responsibility and no matter how much i think it's a waste of time i still need to honor my commitment...[turn out it wasn't a total waste of time]

I also realized just now i cannot change my MajorPE into UE...oh well...

Feel defeated today..seems like making wrong decisions here and there...chestnut isn't cooperating with me too..

Let my heart dropped when it shouldn't have

::Resolution::

2010-01-09T00:04:00.004+08:00

I came across this online, find it quite amusing, at the same time i'm reminded by the many times i have neglected the simplest thing just because i think i have "more important things" to do.

::Year::

2010-01-01T17:52:00.005+08:00

365 days; Another year has passed me by.

I remember i ended 2008 with a high mood, toasting for 2009 ahead, anticipating where the wind will blow me to.

Well, i never thought the wind would blow me to such a dramatic year of 2009.

It ended with a low note, now for 2010 ahead, i dunno where the wind would blow me to, but, i wish it can be less dramatic bah...hmm..but is tat what i really want? a feel-nothing-live-like-this year??

Actually, i don't really want that kind of life as well.

Today, The NewPaper's front page is someone saying his new year resolution is "To Live". What's mine?

Actually, now that i come to think of it,i would rather have another dramatic year than a feel-nothing-live-like-this year...I just want a better year...

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This week was quite busy with the performance rehearsal for Uni-YA anniversary dinner.

30 Dec is definitely the worse day of the month..Having stomach cramp and calf cramp and near heart cramp...

Thankfully it's all recovering now..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exam results were out on 30 dec actually, but i was so reluctant to check cause i don't want it to spoil me new year mood, so initially i planned to check only on next week...well...i gave in to peer pressure at last and checked my result just now..

It's so-so i would say, quite happy actually cuz don't have any C..was quite happy also to hear about the results of other people..

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today is the first day of the year. Is the wind changing already? Haven't smell it yet.

Goodbye 2009..all the good and bad; ups and downs; tears and laughter...You'll be memories in my heart..I need to box you in already. need to make room for better things moving in. It's all over now.

=)

::Boxing::

2009-12-27T01:57:00.012+08:00

It's the day after Christmas. Boxing Day!!

I've always wonder what it exactly means.

haha, if you're a curiosity cat like me then can go educate yourselves bah~
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boxing_Day

Seems like a lot has happened since my last post.

Last Sun [20/12]

i went to volunteer at Hope Tots with Hui Min and Steve. It's such a wonderful experience!! Hope i can have the chance to be a full volunteer there. =) After that i went to Suntec to listen to the caroling. Christmas songs never fail to bring a smile to my face, even if my mood was down..it's like ice-cream!!

Tues [22/12]

it's was yanyu's bday =) a few of us went to visit MV Doulos at Vivo there. It's my 1st time on board the ship in Sg, 3rd time in my life i think.
Love how the crew greeted everyone with a big smile and tried to be as helpful as possible. After i parted with everyone i silently stroll back to the deck there and just sat in front of the ship, in front of a beautiful sunset [with all the construction works going on].. I needed some time to be alone, to sit around people whom i do not know...

Went to meet Annie after that at Dhoby Ghaut, so glad for the time spent just chatting, catching up, having silly girl talk..and ice-cream!!! ice-cream is my comfort food. We went to orchard central after dinner, the view at lvl 11 and lvl 12 are so nice! i just hope there is no one around, love to feel the wind in my hair, the breeze that sweeps across my face. It's indeed my personal "silent night" in the midst of all the HooHah going on at the street just 11 levels below.

Wed [23/12] Went to SMU to meet up with my gang for the performance, happy for this chance to contribute my ideas for this celebration, had a good laugh also cuz i sat beside Ben Tay.haha. Went to meet Liting with YingJie at Bugis, we went to the MOF there and shared a ice-cream sundae, haha, cuz the rest of the stuff are too expensive for us, oh, we also got a pot of free green tea also, haha, so the table didn't look that empty.

One thing we talked about leave a deep impression in my heart, Liting said churches nowadays seems like too kua zhang, music and what not, shouldn't church be strict or stuff like that? [Ya, indeed, it seems like a lot of people are getting confused by the different christian denominations going on..a search on the net says that there might be as many as 23,000 Protestant denominations worldwide!!!!] I just told her that it's like having a house and keep changing the tv or the deco of your house, at the end of the day, it's not the style of the house that makes your house your home, but rather, the people you love that's living in it. Doesn't really matter how many times you move house of whatever, but the most important thing is your family.

Thurs [24/12] it's my first time serving as usher in a combine event. My experience?---Painful-Sweet...Painful cause the evil pairs of heels that nearly make me bleed, sweet cause it's a wonderful christmas experience =) i met an uncle that insist of chopping seats for his caregroup member, he's about the age of my dad, he's as dark and talkative as my dad too! haha...the only different is---he has a zeal for God... I didn't do anything for anyone this christmas, no cards no presents..only some sms that i mean it form the bottom of my heart, thanks for all that has taken your precious time to remember me on this christmas season, thank you for making me so surprised and loved:

Liting
Timothy Yeo Zi Min
Zachary Alexander Lee Shao Ren
Tracy Goh Hui Hui
Justinna Lim
Qinny Pei
Ong Eng Seng

i think i cried a lot this christmas, over the simple truth that God really loves me a lot...He is so perfect that it makes me feel so assured and secured...yet how can i still fail him time and again? how can i still didn't trust Him enough?

Fri [25/12]

i went out with kok siong and kok weng for our small christmas dinner, went to eat botak jones and then ice-cream at Udders. Simple dinner but appreciated it cause at least i don't have to be alone on christmas, think it'll be horrible if i spent my first christmas in Singapore locked in room eating maggi alone T,T

Sat[26/12]

Went to visit Mv Doulos again with Kok Siong n Gerard. Today is the last day of Doulos! I'll miss it! there's an open house there, me n ks took a few funny photos. We bought two books there. I wanted to eat the one-dollar road-side ice-cream so much!! haha cause didn't eat it on tuesday cause that day everyone is like keep walking so fast..i decided agaist it lastly and drank sugar cane instead, cause i'm having a minor sore throat today.
__________________________________________________

It has been an eventful week no doubt, but somehow it feels as if a huge chunk of dunno what has been taken away.....................

::Me::

2009-12-19T00:46:00.003+08:00

somehow i have a lot of friends, but more than one of my closest friend have approached me and say they don't really see the real me..like i'm always trying to please everyone, always ok, always strong, always smiling...

i look at my blog..and i realized they are so right.

you wanna know who i am?

i am forgetful, it's unbelievable the stuff i tend to forget, even the most precious memories sometime can be forgotten and need several reminders for me to recall them again.

i love the nature, i can sigh in adoration in front of the falling leaves, i can cry in amazement at the sunset, i can scream in excitement the moment i see a cute animal, i feel trapped in singapore because i cannot go to the beach as and when i want, i can stare at the night sky with stars for hours.

i am lazy, i actually don't mind not showering for one night, i cook maggi and don't feel like washing the bowl, i just wanna sleep the day away sometimes.

i am insecure, i have a tendency to silently compare myself to other people and grade myself in comparison to them, i try to attract attention cause i think if i don't no one would ever notice me, i always pick up a call with the expectancy that someone would scold me and say i am not good enough, i'm scared of people leaving me cause one day they might realize that i am actually not good enough.

i am rebellious, if there's a sign that says "Danger:DO NOT COME NEAR", i would most probably go near.

i love the color purple, but i will go "awhh" in front of spectrum of colors.

i am good at massaging, i love to give people massages cause i think i'm lousy at giving wise counsel or comfort.

i cry uncontrollably when i thought of or heard of people that pass away. even if it's someone i don't know. i remembered hiding inside my room to tear silently when i first saw the news of 911 on tv that night.

i sometimes use words and actions sub-consciously or consciously expecting people to respond the way i want, in other words, manipulation.

do you want to know more?

then come nearer to see the real me.

i am always me. just different side of me sometimes.

::Baby::

2009-12-16T02:32:00.007+08:00

I am a mum!!
wahaha!!

and tis time my baby is living, crawling around, breathing..and real! [yes this one is REAL!]

haha...i don't have a photo of my baby yet, due to the tragic death of my handphone [drowning accident]...

i spent quite some time thinking what shall i name my baby~~something adorable, catchy, easy to remember...

i even go to translator website and try to come out with an exotic foreign language name..then i realize it's quite hard to pronounce hebrew, greek, or russian..don't even try to write it..

it's still not confirm yet..but at this stage i'm leaning towards Chestnut. cute eh?

My baby still very shy to this new world, scared of touch or even my small breath..the eyes and nose are totally adorable!!

well..here is a photo from the net~it's as close as i can get...use your imagination and wait for the upload of my baby's photo ya~~

::Awesome::

2009-12-13T01:28:00.002+08:00

It's official-- God is awesome. Seriously.

Today i had Earthlink sub-comm meeting early morning..after which when everyone has gone, it's just left me and my main comm and another sub comm, both guys are malaysian from EEE. And as the conversation unfolds, i shared with them my conversion story! it is totally unexpected and never in my plan. After which my main comm shared that he has actually attended NTU's buddhism society for two years and he feels that the teachings are good, but he just don't believer in reincarnation and souls and the world having a creator; while the other guy is just living life without thinking deep, just wanna live by. Regardless of their reaction and perception, just really glad that i'm given this privilege by God to be the one to scatter seeds in their hearts. I strongly believe that no labor in the LORD is EVER in vain.

After service i was really nervous, i prayed while on the bus to Meridian, prayed while walking there..the first thing i do when i reached is to walk around to find the grandma that i want to give the card to. but to my initial horror, the grandma is not there tonight!! As i was walking around i started to think: God, are You joking with me? How come u asked me to come and give the card but she's not here? And i just keep walking round and round, i saw zach and told him bout it, i told him i feel like God is joking with me. He look at me seriously all of a sudden and tells me God never joke, and i already won by having the faith and the heart to do it.

i told qr, es and jy about it, then was just thinking maybe God wants me to reach out to different people instead. Cuz i was walking round and round the foodcourt so was just telling them perhaps i should walk seven rounds =p

But we decided to do something spontaneous after dinner, we decided to walk around the foodcourt and invite the aunties and uncles working there instead. As we approach them with faith, i truly know that God's amazing hands are behind all these. Though none of them confirm they wanna come or even show slight interest, i know they are truly blessed by the cookies we gave them, i was quite surprised actually that most of them asked how much they need to pay for the cookies or if they need to do anything in return for the cookies.

After we marched finish, we went outside of Meridien to shout praise to God.haha.literally. And as we shared how we feel about this small experience, was really encouraged that all of us manage to have a breakthrough through this small thing.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The conclusion of the matter is- GOD IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!

I really can't comprehend how exciting and awesome He is!!!!!!!

He took my original plan and use it to His greater purpose, He gave me a small vision and desire and turn it into a totally unexpected spirit-filled night for the four of us.

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It seems like a lot of ppl in our midst need prayers, for healing; for strength; for faith...qr, yj, jt, jy, gerard, sam sim, es, qinning, zach, yy....

Sometimes it just seems like there's too many things to be prayed and i have so little time.

Above all, LORD let us remain in You as You remain in us.

Amen ♥

::December::

2009-12-06T02:29:00.002+08:00

This December is gonna be amazing. I just know it in my heart and bones. And why can't it be right? It's Christmas and it already have a great start so far.

Today while in the bus to church, i was quite amused by the new tagline Singapore Tourism Board has launched for Orchard this Christmas, it's quite funny that they would have tagline for a street, i mean, normally it's one tagline for whole country, but i guess in Singapore, orchard is considered as a city or even state.

Anyway. the tagline is "One Christmas, One Hope".
We really do have only one hope in a world coined "Decade of Hell" by TIME magazine, but i wonder what kind of Hope the tourism board have in mind when they adopted this line.

I remembered Xing Ni shared something about hope in one of the SubD meet we had this sem, can't remember the exact words but it's about this world in itself is without hope, and we can have only one source of hope, that is , in Him.

Today was really blessed, Eng Seng bought me durian pancake! i feel so "shou chong ruo jing"! I finally have my craving satisfied! And was really touched cuz i know that despite not liking the durian he still go buy for me and stand the smell of it.

After dinner ES, YY, JT, Gerard and me went to PS, we were walking walking and then somehow as the discussion rolls, we come up with the idea of making cookies to bless the freshies in the OG during this christmas season. I am very excited by this, another opportunity to do everything i love! decorating, baking, talking, sharing, blessing =) I can't wait to see what miracles this christmas will bring to us

While we were walking at PS, we stop a while outside Times and Eng Seng pointed at one of the christian books on display and said that he once watched a video of this pastor and how he was disappointed cuz when asked whether people will really go to hell if they don't follow Jesus, he gave a vague answer, then YanYu said that a lot of people are not willing to hear about the gospel precisely because of the Hell idea.

What would be my respond if someone asked me whether they will go to hell if they are not christian?

I wished just as many atheist does, that dying without receiving Him is not that bad and maybe won't go to hell. I wished it could really be like that cuz my own grandparents died without receiving Him, and my parents and siblings have yet to come to know him, how i wish how i wish how i wish...but above all, i know God's sovereignty. So even though it's hard to accept, i know it's the truth.

There's a lot of things in my heart that i want to pray for in this coming week.

Give thanks first for all the awesomeness He's gonna bring in this month

::Exam2::

2009-11-28T12:10:00.002+08:00

Exam Day 6

Today is another rainy Saturday, i'm at SBS classroom aka exam HQ now~

This week has been an awesome week=)

God healed me on tuesday, i was having the worst headache ever with slight fever, and the next morning is gonna be the exam for my killer module of communication history and theories. I got back to room very early, around 8.30pm, was just keep praying that i'll have a little bit more energy to look through my notes again, then i'll guai guai go to sleep and rest else i'll have fever next morning.

Amazingly, as i started to read the notes, slowly the headache subside, and i just go on and on with the notes, until it's 11pm and i don't even realize it! waoh!

very very thankful, God has straighten my faith much through small miracles like these ^^

::Exam1::

2009-11-24T11:40:00.001+08:00

Exam Day2

Yesterday i had my first paper. And it was amazing!! i know that it was such a miracle, let me shout at the top of my voice that God is good! ^^

Yesterday i had marketing paper, i didn't know it doesn't have MCQ this time round, and a lot of things i thought will come out ended up didn't come out.. And during the last 20 minutes, i was getting nervous already because i still left two questions that are 20% and 10% respectively incomplete, was just flipping through the book hysterically since it's open book exam, was really thankful when i saw the answer suddenly, with my limited time i just write down all the keywords onto the paper.

the time now left less than 10 minutes, and i was contemplating on giving up the 10% question already, i flipped to the questions one last time in desperate attempt to squeeze something out of my brain..suddenly a solution come to my mind!!!!! i frantically wrote down everything i can think of and when i put down my pen finally, immediately the invigilator announced that time's up. Waoh!!!!!!!!!!! i finished the paper in time!!!

Though i don't know what grade i will score for this paper..but the strengthening of my faith is worth more than an alphabet on a piece of paper =)

Yesterday before exam while doing my qt, this verse reminds me of the sovereignty of God a lot:

The horse is made ready for the day of battle,
but victory rests with the LORD.
-Proverbs 21:31

Amen! =)

::Pre4::

2009-11-19T23:44:00.002+08:00

Yes, it's still not exam yet, but i've decided to stop counting all the counts...

Cooked for my CG just now, with a very cozy unit meet in my room. Felt so happy and belonged to be sitting there..and also cooking with qinning, brenda, chong jyn and guofeng. We weren't brilliant.. but just the love the feeling of people trying their best to do something they are not good at in order to bless someone. It reminds of my favourite scene in the movie Forrest Gump and the Grinch.

was just thinking, what is selfless love? Last night and today was just thinking...if i can't even show my love to people whom i love the most..then how can i claim that i love people? and a lot of time it's harder than i thought to show my love and care especially for those whom i want to. i just dunno why.

::Pre3::

2009-11-17T14:33:00.002+08:00

this is a Pre-Exam post 3.

Day count: -5
Candy count: 9
Cookie count: >10
Movie count: 3
Page count: [gave up already]
Sleep count: still a lot more than I need..man..i need a lot of motivation to wake up.
Animal Count: [This is where i count how many animals i look like] 4...Hamster, Snake, Rabbit, Pooh

Yesterday was quite a slacking day.

I ended up watching two more movie, that's 3 movies in 2 days.LOL.
All nice movies though, i watched Forrest Gump, Love Actually, The Proposal. Forrest Gump top the list by far, it's such an amazing movie, i strongly recommend it to you if you haven't watch it.

And on top of that, i killed cockroach for the first time in my life. TWO cockroaches eh!!

In the end i used up the whole can of Shieldtox Rui Xia and Tracy borrowed from our neighbor. No wonder they say cockroach can survive atomic bomb explosion, after seeing how the cockroaches' limbs are still twitching hours after i sprayed them with the whole can of Shieldtox, i totally have no doubt bout this saying.

Yah! hours after the showdown they are still twitching their disgusting little limbs!
I stood infront of it dunno what to do for a long time, then i tell God: "erm, dunno whether can pray this or not, but ah....God, can you let them die faster? they still moving ehhhhhhh...."

Ended up i msg Chong Jyn at 11pm, asked him to come help me get rid of the evil remains. LOL.he tried to scare me using the remains lor!!

haha..oh yah..i did studied a bit in between

::Wedding::

2009-11-15T19:15:00.000+08:00

This is my second post for the day. Studying at SBS has been fruitful, but not less distracting though, thanks to the wonderful internet.

Why do i wanna blog about wedding?

Cause i just know from Facebook one of my ex-classmate is getting married. At first I thought it's just a joke, but then i realized it's not, never in a million years will i imagine she is the first one to get married from our class. Ok i am being over-exaggerating, but it's just...so unbelievable.

One year ago we all thought it would be another guy that she'll be with, can't believe one year down the road, she's getting engaged with another guy. Guess that's life. I wouldn't have guessed also I would be where i am now one year ago.

Think that all girls just want a perfect wedding, sunset down the road, perfect gown, nice flowers. It's a girl's dream to have a perfect wedding. Myself included. My friends are so excited in the email chain, suggesting the perfect place to get a gown, how to prepare for a perfect wedding day, who's gonna get married next, etc. Girls just go crazy when someone we know is getting married.Haha.

What will ultimately be the perfect wedding every girl want?-- To see a special someone down the aisle. Think for every girl, the dream for a perfect wedding extend after the wedding day, we all dream of a perfect future of eternal bliss.

Think the perfect wedding will only be perfect if at the end of our life, we can look back and smile in the memories of that faded-day where we walk down that aisle. Smile at all the laughter and tears life have brought us.

Not sure i'll be invited to the wedding though, we're not that close, plus i am over here in singapore anyway. If i can, i would like to be there also, cause it's like Christmas, doesn't really matter how close that person is to you, you just wish to see everyone with a smile on their face. Well, at least for me i do think so.

Wishing you a fulfilling life, Aiko =)

::Pre2::

2009-11-15T11:00:00.001+08:00

this is a Pre-Exam post 2.

Day count: -7
Candy count: 9
Page count: [gave up already]
Sleep count: more than I actually need, i think i'm just pure lazy
Animal Count: [This is where i count how many animals i look like] 3...Hamster, Snake, Pooh

Today is the earliest I woke up in ages. I woke up at 8.19am!!! Waoh!! I bet you are surprised and proud of me also right? Haha.

I didn't manage to study last night =(
But it's still an awesome day.

I found a perfect place to do my morning quiet time just now.
Blue Sky.Butterfly.Flowers.Water.Sunshine.Wind.Tree.Grass.
just the way i like it =)

With some imagination, this is how it would look like.haha

::Pre::

2009-11-11T16:28:00.000+08:00

this is a Pre-Exam post.

Day count: -11
Candy count: 3
Page count: !()*&#(^&%&^&*()!*)_)(@(&#*&$^&*^&@(
[lost count]

How is this semester's exam gonna be like?

You? How's your pre-exam?

::Rain::

2009-11-06T17:56:00.000+08:00

It has rain for a few days already, heavy rain like drops of tears from heaven itself, maybe the angels are weeping for the world.

I love the sound of raindrop. It tinkles like the bell of Tinkerbell. =p
I love the wind. It makes it so comfortable to tuck myself o bed under the warm blanket.

I used to love the rain a lot, cause that time me and my ex have this silly ritual of saying we're cold and need a hug when it rains.

After that I hated the rain, cause we broke up during rainy day. And it just so emo and gloomy to me.

As time pass, I love the rain again, cause the world looks so beautiful after the rain. Love how the rain drop glitter on the leaf and flowers around me, love the rainbow after the rain that feels like having hope after a depressing situation.

The tree in front of School of Communication and Information blooms with pretty pink flowers lately. Oh, i just love walking underneath it and seeing the flowers drop down slowly to form a sea of pink on top of the patch of green grass.

It just make it feels like life is worth living for such beauty in God's creation.

::Blood2::

2009-11-05T21:49:00.001+08:00

My lips cracked and bleed again this morning.

O God, when will the wound close?
O God, when will the hurting stops?

::Blood::

2009-11-04T15:18:00.000+08:00

i was wiping my tears away when i see blood on the tissue, when i looked into the mirror i realize my lip has cracked so badly that it started to bleed, for a few minutes it seems like the blood just keep rushing out and won't stop. it's so painful to be pressing the tissue against my exposed lip.

yes it hurts.

i'm suddenly reminded by Leona Lewis's Bleeding Love:

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

it's a nice song, but it sounds wrong. And one thing for sure, it's way too emo, listening to it will only drown one in the endless ocean of self-justification and self-pity.

i'm reminded by another song, Rascal Flatts' What Hurts The Most:

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do

Yes another nice song. Seriously, what hurts the most? it seems like it will expand by each hurt and pain we go through, and through it we will grow stronger. Each time it will seem as if this is as far as we can go and bear, but somehow after that this limit will be put to test as another thing replace it to be the thing that "hurts the most".

In case you are thinking i am in the "emo" mode now, rest assured, i am stronger than this, i have learn that hiding away from the world, from God, from people, and from myself won't help at all, nope, not even one tiny little bit. I want to stand upon truth and grace that comes from His Words, not from some random lyrics.

When the music fades
And all is stripped away
And I simply come
Longing just to bring
Something that's of worth
That will bless your heart

I'll bring You more than a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the ways things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

King of endless worth
No one could express
How much You deserve
Though I'm weak and poor
All I have is Yours
Every single breath

I'll bring You more than just a song
For a song in itself
Is not what You have required
You search much deeper within
Through the way things appear
You're looking into my heart

I'm coming back to the heart of worship
And it's all about You
All about You, Jesus
I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it
When it's all about You
It's all about You Jesus

Its all about you
Jesus

I am not emo-ing, but it won't change the fact that bleeding hurts, and the closer it is to your heart, the more it hurts.

i feel like blogging this, but i hope i don't make sense to you.
And if i make sense to you, pray for me =)

::Treasure::

2009-10-21T01:53:00.000+08:00

But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.

Matthew6:20

We often quote this as a joke or a passing comment.

But I really wonder what our treasures will be.

I' m sure I'm not alone in this, you may have imagine before also how glorious heaven's gonna look like with all the good food and good furniture and good ambiance and all that.

But what is/will be my greatest treasure?

That I will be able to stand in adoration in front of Him. For what treasure in heaven or earth can be compared to being in the presence of my King forever?

::Rest II::

2009-10-20T00:44:00.000+08:00

yah that was my evil twin typing for my last post..
it's like Jessica in the show Heroes. just that this evil twin doesn't have super power...oh well, guess some evil twin can't even contribute..

haha..that's a joke..i hope you realize i am just being random.

Anyway..Hello to the normal Cassie again..
well...the normal isn't the exact opposite of the evil one, meaning she's not an angel..so..
This sounds like a "fail" joke...the evil one not so evil, the good one not so good also...man, at least excel in one lah...hahaha...

OH yah..oops i digress again..haha..reminded me of my professor who keep saying he'll digress at least twice every lecture...

OH man..here i go digressing again..by now you must really have hated me or loved me..
either for wasting your time or fro bringing you a laughter...

[hmm..did i just digress again??? evil twin help me out here..]

So, this is what i wanna blog about actually..

For the past two days after staring hard at myself, i realize i have two extreme but mutually inclusive sides in me..

the not so devilish evil side, and the not so angelic good side.

And when the skeptic evil inside of me starts to take control..i realize i turn into a cold-blooded stone..

And when the faith-filled good side of me starts to take control..i realize this is one i want to be and this is who i am..not the lie the evil twin has turned me into...

I am at peace now..things seems clearer..but as i said, they are mutually inclusive..i know i am not an angel no matter how hard i tried..the ugly part of me is still me and i wanna embrace myself and not condemning it..i'll embrace and be graced, and hopefully come out a tiny tiny little bit more "angelic"

::Rest::

2009-10-19T00:58:00.000+08:00

Yes, i am the slackest student in the whole of Singapore island. It's not as if i purposely make myself into one.

so..i thought this mean some time of rest for me..when i can just slack for one week or so..

But, it seems like the world is determine to frustrate me.

This is one of those moments i wish i can be a "one-man island"

Emotions...looks like i have too much of them..like small little "inner mess" demons in my head.
perhaps that's what they really are..

my brain processor is too small to think of all these.

i wanna stare hard at myself and my emotions, to see who i really am..

i thought rest is suppose to be fun and good and jolly merry...

PS: yah..this is my evil twin typing..

::Found::

2009-10-07T19:26:00.001+08:00

................[this is a sequence to the post ::Lost::]

(At the Lost counter)

Unknown: Excuse me miss, how can i help you?

Eva: Thank you!! I have found my precious journal!!!!!

Yes i found it!!! ok lah actually i found it already two weeks ago and din bother to post it in my blog, but then i realize ppl start asking me whether i have found my journal or not..haha actually i feel quite love by this small gesture...so, if u haven't ask me personally it's ok, now i tell u...haha

i found it the day i move hall..and it's just laying there silently waiting for me to give it a massive hug once again...OWH~~~

hahaha...thank you thank you journal for didn't run away

=)

::Six::

2009-09-29T18:11:00.001+08:00

Six...that's how high i'm living at now..haha...how high i have to climb each day..

Think will really slim down ah if i go up and down like this everyday for the rest of the coming year.LOL.

Today i feel happy. Realize actually a productive day will make me the happiest.

Productive in different aspects. Chatting to my friend living far away from me for a few hours on the phone is productive. Being close to people i love and just chat or even silence is productive. Finishing my project nicely is productive. Gaining new knowledge and insights is productive. Cleaning up my room is productive. Cooking is productive. Praying is productive.

Sitting here typing away happily while listening to the serene chirping of birds right outside my window also make me happy.

Haha..turn out climbing six level of stairs is God's way of blessing me greatly.

Cause it's only here that i have the perfect night view.

Cause it's only here that i can be so close to nature.

Cause it's only here that i can't even hear a hint of car or civilization.

Cause it's only here that i learnt to complain less.

Cause it's only here that i see how much people love me.

Cause it's only here that He has placed me so that i don't have to sleep at benches.

So that's the six blessings from climbing six level of stairs

happy toast - wallpaper by ~LadyMascara

Today is a good day.

::Grace::

2009-09-27T00:15:00.000+08:00

http://maxlucado.com/media/hechosethenails.wmv

This is my birthday wish..

Do u have 10 minutes to spare for me today?

Open the link and i hope that this 10 minutes will bless your day as it has so greatly blessed mine.

::Lost::

2009-09-17T22:30:00.000+08:00

(At the Lost counter)

Unknown: Excuse me miss, how can i help you?

Eva: I lost my journal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes!! I lost my journal!! T_T

how can this happen? ok lah...actually i lost my stuff quite frequently one..but..how can i lost such an important thing??!!!

this journal have a very special place in my heart..it's very precious to me..

although it is just grey in color and nothing special at first glance..

but this journal has endured the best of the past 4 months with me =(

i started to wrote lengthy daily entry in this special journal since holiday started last April.

This journal has endured my tears n sweat n saliva throughout these short period of time we spent together...

together with me faithfully and be a testimony of my life.

it's like...

losing a big pile of love letters your most precious one wrote to you everyday!!

*sob sob*

and to add to that, i have really really really lousy memory retantion...and i dun wanna forget all these precious things that has happened to me......

haizzz....

so...Unknown, can u help me find my precious journal?

::Rent II::

2009-09-11T13:02:00.000+08:00

just an update from my last post..in case there are people who loves me out there...lol...

i've found a new place to bunk in..thank God! gonna move within these few weeks i suppose..

the room is at level 6 (staircase access only), and got croakroach...but i really couldn't care less...this will help me to exercise a lot..bring on the craokroach also!! thay'll have a hard time surviving under my regime...haha..most of all is...i don't have to sleep on street...haha...

thanks to tracy n ruixia...

don't worry...i'll sweep the floor and be a good girl

::Rent::

2009-09-07T12:52:00.000+08:00

I need a place to stay..just give me a bed..tat's all...oh yah...and toilet too...
anyone??

i can sweep the floor..lol

preferably under $200, near NTU

::School::

2009-08-25T00:38:00.001+08:00

It's a boring title-School...(sarcasm comes in--oh gosh..how exciting can that be? why blog about school?)

I'm writing this in the middle of the night, listening to some great songs on youtube..cuz the thumbdrive i got for free during Freshman Welcome Day took EXTREMLY long to format..don't ask me why..

oh well..that's why i decided to blog about boring topics such as school..

LOL

Actually, come to think of it, school is not that horrible or boring..well, at least for me (sarcasm comes in again--oh! easy for you to say..you're communcation student, how hard can that be compared to what others study?) yeah, i thank God that i have get rid of my calculator for one year already, and i plan to keep it that way.

but still, i have my fair share of sleepless nights, readings, tutorials, project meetings..blah blah blah...But think all these are only like the banana in the banana split (i personally don't like banana)..the banana split will turn out awesome even with the horrible banana in it..

hmm..it seems like i am babbling..

oh...the thumbdrive finally finish formatting...

the point of this post is--i love school!!
because i have found the reason to give it my all and my best..and know that all that i'm studying today is not merely for my GPA..

(sarcasm went away..cuz eva too weird..lol)

::One::

2009-08-21T13:35:00.000+08:00

One thing I desire, One thing I seek.

To gaze upon Your beauty, Your majesty.

One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple

Psalm 27:4

I went to Hope's Global Conference for the past 2 nights (19th & 20th). Dunno how was it gonan be like since this is my first time attending it. And just so happen yesterday (20th) was also my 1 year spiritual birthday.

Was really blessed. Thanks for all the love filled greetings. Thanks for remembering.
Thank you if you have been there with me throughout this short yet long journey of 1 year.
Thank God.. For His Grace..His patient...His love..

This birthday mark a special significant in my heart as i received from God a bigger picture of this jingsaw puzzle of life, of every experience He had put me through.

Realized that we have to be reborn a lot of times in this lifetime in order to let His works be done in us. He spoke very clearly to me that although i had been a transformed a better life for the past one year, yet it's not enough. He asked me to be new.

Put off your old self ( Ephesians 4:22),

Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ (Romans 13:14)

love,

eva

God's daughter dancing in salvation

::Wish::

2009-08-04T15:57:00.000+08:00

I was thinking through in my small little mind whether i should write this post or not..I was kinda scared that people might misunderstood me..but i decided after that if the person who is reading this sincerely love me and know me, then he or she would understand..and even if i really make no sense at all, i hope you who are reading this will approach me for clearification ^^

OK..you might thinking: what's the big deal? is she gonna announce her sudden wedding on her blog? is she quitting school and moving to North Pole?

well...the good news [or is it bad news for some?] is..it's none of the above..haha..[or maybe only me will have such speculations as someone commented lately that i think of life too dramatically =p]

Wish..
It is my wish for my birthdays coming up, that my friends and family will not give me any unnecessary gifts..not even a slice of cake please..

For my birthdays starting from now, and including christmas..It is my sincere wish that no money will be wasted on unnecessary stuff like cake or toys or ear-ring..

Bibles of different languages or translation...or an angpow...or life necessity will be deeply appreciated...

But most of all, if you truly wish me well..
I just need the presence of people i love and people who love me in my life.

This is something that i have become convicted about recently. To live a life of simplicity and contentment.

If anyone have any questions, please do ask me personally.
If you find my conviction stupid, please keep to yourself thank you.

::Home::

2009-07-26T22:47:00.000+08:00

I am at Kota Kinabalu, Sabah now...in my home...

it has been a long day...

it finally dawn on me that i have two home now...

the feeling is both weird and ....glad? =p

i got alot a lot of things i have been meaning to blog down...

but somehow inertia just keep me on the sofa or bed instead..

ok...i promise to anyone who secretly like reading my blog..

i shall finally blog down everything when i have the luxury ok?

or when i can organize my thought properly...which ever come first...

::Testimony::

2009-07-10T11:22:00.000+08:00

This is my story with Jesus...

I am now in my 11th month of this walk with Jesus, and it has been the most amazing 11 month of my life so far. Despite growing up in a traditional Buddhist family, I have gone to church since young, God has placed numerous people in my life all along to bring me to church and to share about His love with me. Christmas has always been my favourite day of the year ever since young, the story of Jesus and His enormous love never fail to captivate my heart. Even when I was not a Christian, i had occasionally prayed to God and had my prayer answered so specifically that I knew it could only be God that has made all these possible.

For example, when I was struggling whether I should come to Singapore alone or not, i prayed to God to show me He is real and show me a sign that a future in Singapore is meant for me. That very same day, I went to this big event organized by a local church, now when i looked back, I cannot exactly remember what happened that night, but just this peace that God is there that night and He had assured me to come.

God has made everything beautiful in His own timing, and I thank God for it. As God slowly revealed His plan for me, I come to appreciate how perfect His timing is. University is the point of life when I really start to think about the direction of life that I want to take. Being a person who just wanna sleep, eat and have fun all day, "meaning-of-life" this kind of thing never really caught my attention until I entered university.

When I came to NTU, I didn't join any FOC camp, I think most people could only imagine the horror I faced stepping into a big lecture theatre alone with no one to talk to and just so out of place. Yanyu is the first few people who offer their sincere friendship to me in Singapore, she told me her conversion story the very first time we met, and she invited me to their talent show thingy during the same week. I didn't show up for the thing unfortunately.

Then during the second week, we had breakfast together at the Palette in school - yanyu, jing ying, and me. She asked if I want to receive Christ that morning, I tried to give some excuses, but deep inside my heart, I know I've been wanting to take this step of faith for months, something inside me stirred and told me that it is now or never, all I have to do is be courageous. And thus, I received the greatest gift of my life on the day that only come once in a lifetime- 20.08.2008!

By His grace, I slowly recognized different side of myself that I never notice before, like pride in my heart, insecurity, selfishness..and frankly, quite a lot of things on the list that I can do better. He transforms me and helps me see the person I could become in Him - the person He had created to be, not just who I thought I am.

First time I went back to Malaysia after I received Christ, all of my best friends said that they see a totally new person in me, it gives them (and me also) a shock. This touches me a lot because people who know me before I received Christ recognized that it is God who had transformed me from the inside out.

God also teaches me to rely on Him more and more each day, and just surrender to Him every aspect of my life, be it financial difficulties, family, relationship with people, or my study. I came to realize that when I am by myself, I am like a disable and blind person, so inadequate and insignificant.

Not forgetting of course the spiritual family that He has blessed me with. There's too many blessings I have received in this short period of time that it seems impossible to recount them all in one blog post. So many people that love me sincerely that sometimes I can't help but think that I have received so much that there is no way I can bless them back in the same amount shown to me.

I recently shared about my story with Jesus to 2 of my friends whom I had became close with during the ACTSpotential camp. I see a lot of myself in them, they are like 2 different situation I used to be in the past, I guess that's why I am very comfortable talking and sharing to them. 1 of them actually came to receive Christ just a few days ago, I lead her through the sinner's prayer over a phone call, I dunno how had I sounded on the phone, but my hands were trembling during the whole process, out of over excitement? or scared that this is my first time doing this? I dunno. But what I do know is this is another beautiful memory I will bring with me to heavens, another sister that will join me in heavens.

It's gonna be one year in this journey soon, but just like the very first day, His perfect plan and timing continue to amaze me every single time, I still cannot fathom how He manage to plan all these, and I still am a person unworthy for this calling. I know I will never reach the standard of perfection in this lifetime, but nothing will ever stop me from trying.

I am His Work-In-Progress

::Random::

2009-06-25T01:36:00.000+08:00

This is a long overdue post, and suddenly just reminded of it. ^^
Tagged by ah ling

1. Besides your lips,where is the favourite spot to get kissed?
Wah..too much disclosure...oh...guess only my future husband will know this one =p

2. How did you feel when you woke up this morning?
Hot!

3. Who was the last person/people you took a photo with?
Jing Ting n Jing Ying- Jing Jing [beside a "Up" movie poster stand]

4. Would you consider yourself spoiled?
Yah..sometimes...

5. Will you ever donate blood?
If i could..

6. Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
Yah...duhhh

7. Do you want someone to be dead?
No..but everyone die eventually...i see no point in this..

8. What does you last text message say?
Venue not confirm yet.But will be at 7pm

9. What are you thinking right now?

too much thoughts!

10. Do you want someone to be with you now?
yah..

11. What was the time you went to bed last night?
i lost track of time

12. Where did you buy the tee you are wearing now?
it's a gift from my aunt

13. Is someone on your mind right now?
yah...

14. Who was the last person who text you?
Qian Ru

Ten lucky person to do this quiz..
1. ah ling
2. me
3. ....
4. ???

i cannot continue this lah! haha..no one comes to my mind, except for the 2 existing person i know who already did tis quiz, which is no1 and no2

::Transformer::

2009-06-25T00:17:00.000+08:00

Watched Transformer II just now...think it's quite good...the whole movie got a feel of epic and greatness to it..Think a lot of time that's one of the reasons why i love most of my all-time favourite movies, such as Star Wars..Lord of the Rings..Pirate of the Caribbeans...

Today is also ShuMing's bday...Actually that's the reason i went to cinema for the first time in Singapore [apart from because Transformer is an awesome movie], yup, it's true, despite being in Singapore for close to a year already, today is the first time i step into the cinema..

Think today is quite a nice gathering, manage to talk and relax...Feel touched also that she came out to meet us despite being sick..hope she truly enjoyed today ^^

There's one quote i love a lot in this movie--

"Human is capable of great compassion,
and at the same time great destruction"

-Optimus Prime

::Father::

2009-06-21T20:15:00.000+08:00

Today's father's day...and i just had a very amusing father's day indeed...no...i am not a father..haha...but think today i am very joyful inside...

::Gastronomania::

2009-06-15T11:13:00.000+08:00

That is the first "module" that kick start our School of ACTSpotential yesterday. Overall, it's a very fun and good experience, i learn a lot personally also in this short one day. After the event, i heard a comment bout the Gastronomania actually have very little thing to do with eating actually, which is not what all of us have expected..hahaha...oh well, but the title is not important, we can just as well called it ABC and still enjoyed it as much ^^

My group--Einstein, come in last yesterday...muahaha...due to our "lateness" and i think our points are deducted to negative or close to that.LOL

Yesterday was a really good learning experience for me, being a participant who wass trying to engage my freshies, and being the photographer at the same time...There's too much to pen down here. But just wanna share one of the easier to pen down one.wakaka

Think when i got back home and reflect bout the day, i realize despite the tiredness..and being in the last position, our team has won today. This realization comes not easily, being a very proud person myself who thinks about winning all the time. But something inside me just stirred, as if it's asking me: Do you really think your group is a big loser today?... What is "winning" anyway? How do you define it?...

God doesn't view victory and winning as how my puny little mind thought, looking from the perspective of eternity, our team was very victorious yesterday, we are all learning and trying to support each other, and did not let the physical tiredness and negative thoughts beat us down, and at the end of the day, that is really what counts, isn't it?

Cheers for Einstein!!!!!!!!!!

God teach me in weird ways, and it is very humbling to know the extent of this love.

Keeping the coming days and weeks and people in prayers ^^

::Yellow::

2009-06-03T13:07:00.000+08:00

Feeling "yellow" lately...erm, nope, my face is not turning to another color..haha...

What does Yellow remind you of? Baby Pooh? Sunshine? CareBear? Happiness? Joy?

For me, it's all of the above...Since cheeky posted about me in his blog, i decided to write this post also..(hahaha)..Today is my third day with the Nyam's Family...Wanna thank God for all these blessings, cuz been staying in Jing ying's place, and now moving here.....baby pooh is quite happy bout how all of these events turn out also..cause now there's 17 soft toys that accompany him to sleep every single night ^^

Baby Pooh asked me why i seldom play with him lately, i feel bad for letting him down, but just explain to him gently that i have other things that i need to take care of,...how i must prioritize a lot of things above our playing time..i hope he understand...i know he will... he asked also how come i looked so tired these few days, all i can do is put on a smile and tell him all these tiredness is worth it, that despite being so tired, i m very joyful inside...Cause i can feel and be in God's presence, and nothing matters more than that...

Yes, really quite tired physically for the past few weeks, seems like this has been the most tiring holiday in my life so far..But indeed i m feeling "Yellow" inside..it's hard to pen it down, but if anyone of you have been feeling "Yellow" aslo lately, then you'll know what i'm talking about ; )

Thank God for His gentle reminders and revelations and teachings and encouragements and strengths throughout this period, they enables me to keep my focus right and not lose sight of what i m doing.

Psalm 4;5

Offer right sacrifices

and trust in the LORD.

Offer up the right sacrifice, not service, not money, not time...all these are just by-products. Let's offer up the sacrifice that God had wanted--our Heart

Mark 12:30

Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength

::Holidays::

2009-05-26T20:53:00.000+08:00

If you were to describe your holiday thus far (for those having hoilidays anyway), wat word would you use to describe it??

Hmm...for me..i would say Fruitful ^^

Another word would be tiring..haha...have been running here n there ever since holidays starts, and doing a lot of stuff...quite eventful i would say...bt seriously, i enjoyed all these tiredness a lot..sounds weird, but it's true...i would choose this over staring at my ceiling and watching drama anytime...

From Post Exam Event...Uni-YA Camp...numerous Sub-D and Unit meeting...and CG....and meeting up people....and exam results.....and sister's outing....and new working experience....

Thank God for all of these...certainly not everyday is "happy wonderland"...but every single experience along the way is precious, and will treasure them a lot down the road....

This is only the 5th week of my holidays, still too soon to conclude anything..haha..but jz wanna remind myself constantly not to forget all that has been spoken to me.

Was just reading "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" by Dr.Paul Brand & Philip Yancey just now. It talks about how God designed us to be all different, and it is not by accident. And how different cells perform different task in order to keep our body running smoothly.

Looking at people in my life, honestly, i don't know a lot of them for too long..a few months at most? But somehow i feel very close to them, (please bear with me, feeling emotional now..) These are people who love me genuienly..

As i know a lot of them closer during this holiday, i am touched by all of them, despite we being different, but still able to function together. Being a very nature person, i always marveled and awed by God's creativity that's displayed in the natural environment around us..But what awed and humbled me the most is how beautifully He had created us to be...yes, this is a rotten world, not everyone is Snow White...but when i see people with a heart that's cleansed by God, can really catch a glimpse of how He had pictured us to be when He first breathed life into Adam.

::Victory::

2009-05-20T01:35:00.000+08:00

Just had my first church camp, my first ever any camp in a million years in fact.

Hah...so many things have happened in between that i doubt i can do it express it well enough in words.

I went into the camp without a clear sense of direction of what should i expect for the camp, but God really speaks and moves as i search Him in the few days time.

OK, i am very lost of how to continue this post....there's just a zillion thoughts in my heart and mind now that i dunno how to organise~

But my achor verse really does its job perfectly, everything that God has asked me and told me can be sumed up as:

Colossians 3:2-4 (New International Version)

²Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.

³For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.

⁴When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

::Tired::

2009-05-05T01:10:00.000+08:00

I should be sleeping now.It is1.11am and i need to wake up 7am tomorrow. For those of you who know me well, you would know how hard it is for me to wake up early in the morning.(seriously!) But i just feel like blogging about the tiring week i just had.

The past one week has certainly been very tiring, and frankly, i don't expect the coming two weeks to improve much. Oh well~it's still OK. Cuz i'm enjoying myself through all these tiredness. Haha, sometimes i am just too positive =p

I dunno how to continue this post. It's quite pointless if i keep on whinning and typing out every single things i have done for the past one week..

I think......

I think we need to pray more....

I seriously think more time and energy should be dedicated to praying.

Let's pray for the people we know that is far from God.
Let's pray for the people we know that is slipping away and falling apart.
Let's pray for all the hearts that have been hurt.
Let's pray against this new disease H1N1 or watever name it's called.

Let's pray for a heart that won't grow weary.
Let's pray for a heart of passion.
Let's pray for a heart of mercy and compassion.

Let's pray to act out what we prayed.

Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
your kingdom come,
your will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.

And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.

::Holiday::

2009-04-26T18:05:00.000+08:00

I think i am gonna label today as the official first day of holiday. Then....i take a look at the stuff i need to do...oh well...my schedule for the next week is tight already..but this is definitely better than school anytime....

Hmm...think i'll only be completely free after Uni-YA camp....i mean...until the next round of work flows in-Matric Season...

Three months sounds quite long...but suddenly it seems like gonna fly by me quite fast. Which i don't mind at all, the emptiness of "what am i gonna do now?" for the past few days is quite scary actually...

So, if anyone have anything that u want me to help, please don't hesitate to let me know.haha.
Just now also searching online for online paid surveys those kinda things, think it will be a good way to earn fast cash,just that quite worry will stumbled upon those scam websites...

Was browsing through those jobs portal also...hm...very hard to find jobs eh i realized. First of all, a lot of them required a long period of working hours, some over the weekends..Secondly, most of them only want Singaporens or Singapore PR..Thirdly, most also want people with job experience.

Sian =.=

::Exam (II)::

2009-04-21T12:56:00.000+08:00

This exam is not over, and it has proven itself to be a testimony to lives touches by God and wonders done in His name. Hmm...how do i even start?

1. Lives touches by God-

Yesterday was Eng Seng and Kuang Ting's Bday. I'm so happy and glad to be able to celebrate their birthday with them. Kuang Ting shared also about how his life is totally changed in just a one year time. How can i thank YOU enough for thsi chance to share their joy with them? And to think that i am also part fo this joy, it is just...beyond words...

2. Wonders done in His name-

Anyone want to know how miracles and wonders happen? It is done by people who seek Him sincerely and ernestly, and by His grace that He has chosen to shower all these blessings upon His children. Prayers is powerful, never underestimate it as just another religious ritual.

Just last Saturday, i was telling God how tired i was, and how reluctant i was to go to tuition the next day. And Voila, during service, i received a message from my tuition kid's mum saying that they would like to cancel the tuition the next day. It is truly what it meant as: For your Father know what you need before you ask Him. (Matthew 6:8) I thank God for blessing me ever so generously, and indeed i had used that Sunday studying for my next paper, which turns out to be very useful.

Then Monday morning i have my second-last exam, there was this question that i had memorised all the important points, but just dunno why i just can't remember the final point. Then i remember something - just Pray. i know this sounds exaggerating, but, the moment i open my eyes and stared at the paper again, i know the answer. That moment i was sitting there all smiley-face and just feel like wanna laugh very loudly cuz it's so cute..

Yesterday, Ying Jie and i went to the Sports Hall cuz want to pray for Hai Yin before her exam, and behold...Hai Yin was not there when we reach, why? cause she say she don't want to go for that paper already. Ying Jie and i quite stunt, but anyway, she'll have another paper today and we jsut hope that we'll be able to pray for her today. Actually i just came back from praying for her, and Ying Jie and i super happy and amazed cause we nearly missed her and thus missed the chance to pray for her..God timing is really perfect. =)

BTW, congrats to Eva, it's her 8th month spiritual Birthday!! WooPeey!!

Tomorrow shall be the last day of my exam, super excited!! haha...HOLIDAY

::Exam::

2009-04-16T22:02:00.000+08:00

It's the week of exam, and i have so so much to blog about! But have been refraining myself to blog about it cuz need to focus on my exam..heehee..

Have been very very stress for the past week until just now 6.30pm. Yet at the same time this is the happiest exam that i has ever went through in my entire short-19-year of life (not yet bday,so still 19 ok??)

Wanna thx everyone that has blessed me so much throughout this exam period!! With prayers, encouragements, as well as small gifts, it warms my heart.... =)

Just now i was at the climax of my stress-- haven't finish studying for french, my core module dunno what's going on, and i lost my matric card.... But when i look to God, suddenly everything fall into place...and i'm just really very grateful that i have pull through 3 of my toughest paper, the result good or bad, i dunno, but what i do know is i have given my best..And i think this is a form of thanking God as well for His faitfulness in evry aspect of my life.

What reli made me let go of my unnecesary stress and look to God???-------The answer IS-------- (drum roll please!)--A song! haha...sounds lame, but it's true.

I think a song is more than a song when it ment something in your heart, and this song gives me the faith and the strength i needed just in time...This song is----Love Enough.

Your love’s enough to see the broken hearts
Gain a brand new start with a brand new heart
As the faithful hope in things unseen
You’re enough to see all the things they dream
Come to life

We’re living in the Saviour today
And this day is what we have now
In this moment we have chosen to praise
And it’s changing how we live now

Your love it broke my fall
It’s more than enough and I need it
‘Cause I’ve never known better
And I’ll never know better

This love will see me soar
It’s more than enough and I need it
‘Cause I’ve never known better
And I’ll never know better

Your love’s enough to see the humbled man
Find the cause of Christ
With his outstretched hands
As the cripple grabs his mat to walk
You’re enough to save him from the pain he bore

My Saviour
You’ll never let me go
My life is now secure

My Saviour
You’ll never let me go
And in Your hands my future’s brighter

I just feel like God is speaking to me with the first paragraph in this song. Last time my exam results are quite good, but what are they compared to the new heart and new life i have now?? Last time i have results but no life, going through exams after exams without knowing what am i doing...and i NEVER wanna go back to that ever again. WooHoo!! Thank God for this exam period..

::Easter::

2009-04-13T01:34:00.000+08:00

Happy Easter Sunday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My First Easter Celebration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Went to Suntec just now, i'm so glad that i've choosen to go despite 2 days till my first exam paper, it's a very great experience, now is 2.37am, and i'm gonna study until the sun comes up today. waoh! one year ago it is so unimaginable that i am gonna be so hardworking. =)

::Experience::

2009-04-08T21:00:00.000+08:00

We were taught in Communication Studies that perception and experience shapes the reality that we all live in, and thus, the "truth" human believe in. Of course i don't want to argue what is "truth" here, that argument has been over-debated.

I just wanna make sense of all my experience lately. I suddenly think that this is rather important. This morning, i received news that my uncle at Sabah has just passed away. A cluster of emotions filled my heart. I am not close to my uncle, but death is always unbearable, regardless of how close or far i am from that person. This is also the third death in my family since last year. And only last weekend that i was suddenly reminded by my grandparents' deaths, and now this.

Like last week i was burdened by the fact that my grandparents didn't have the chance to know God before they died. And it burdened me even more that my family don't know God also, the sense of urgency was planted in my heart, but i knew ultimately, God is sovereign above all.

So when i heard the new that my uncle has passed away, i thank God that at least he came to know Christ just before he died. Ying Jie [my newly appointed Buddy] told me that He belongs to the Lord now, and i will see him in heaven one day, this really comforted me a lot.

And all these experiences point me to this direction:
Luke 17:30-35

³⁰"It will be just like this on the day the Son of Man is revealed.
³¹On that day no one who is on the roof of his house, with his goods inside, should go down to get them. Likewise, no one in the field should go back for anything. ³²Remember Lot's wife! ³³Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
³⁴I tell you, on that night two people will be in one bed; one will be taken and the other left. ³⁵Two women will be grinding grain together; one will be taken and the other left."

There will be much rejoicing in heaven one day, and with this hope i will continue this walk.

::Freedom::

2009-03-23T14:23:00.000+08:00

Growing up, Freedom means the right to stay up until late night, or going out during weekend, or doing and saying what i want regardless of consequences or situation.

These few days, i learn a whole new meaning of Freedom. Freedom is not cheap, it is paid with heavy price, often time, blood was shed in exchange for freedom. Living in the Post World War II era certainly has its pros and cons. The ability to live in luxury and comfort also means the birth of spoilt brats and ungrateful hearts.

Unfortunately, i would have to admit i am one of the brats.

I read a book titled "I Dared To Call Him Father" by Bilquis Sheikh lately. This book recorded her amazing journey of finding the One True God. She mentioned about her decision to be water baptised which literally spell Death in the strong Muslim country Pakistan, and how the same decision to proclaim Christ publicly have lead to the horrendous death of people she knew.

"Would you died for Jesus?" For Bilquis and many other brothers and sisters in Christ in other parts of the world, this is more than a question....This is a very real decision they would have to make every single day they wake up.

And as i was awed by the determinations and faith of these people, i am reminded by another man in history who also had died for God- Jesus. In fact, the death of Jesus make possible the Bible i read every single day. The Bible is more than print on paper, it is precious. In fact, more precious than what i realized before.

We all need to realize what a great privilege it is to be able to live for Him.

GAMBATE! ^.^

::Cartoon::

2009-03-22T17:29:00.000+08:00

Disney Faeries by ~cippow25 @deviantart.com

I like Disney cartoon! hahaha...cuz i am doing this thing to prepare for the announcement video for the Uni-YA camp, so, i get to revisit a lot of my childhood memories of Disney cartoon...they are all so nice eh~~

Yang Chao and I have a discussion of the definition of "childish" and "childlike"...And mind you, this is definately not childish ok? haha...

I have just decided i'll dedicate a lot of my free time from now on to watch the classic Disney cartoon, like Beauty and the Beast [a.k.a. My Fav!] and Hunchback of The Notre Dame, and The Little Mermaid....oh well...just all these nice movies lor....hahaha

A Disney Patchwork by =DisneyDreamers@deviantart.com

::Today::

2009-03-21T00:36:00.000+08:00

Today is a significant day-
Today i have my first new caregroup.
Today is my 7th month of this walk with God.
Today i am staying over at Jing ying's house.

Now i am sitting in Miss Teng Jing Ying's room...typing away as i wait for her to finish showering =p

Today sounds so special hor?...
Actually everyday is special, every single time i open my eyes, it signify another new day ahead of me, good or bad, i don't know, but one thing for sure, another new day signify another day with God, another day to know more about God, another opportunity for me to know and love people around me. It also means another day to eat! haha, ok, it's all no link, but it all fits into my schedule for one new day, for God calls us to do all these and more.

Thx for people and today's cg, it helps me a lot to step out of my emo mode.

Gonna fix my eyes upon Jesus ^^

Good night! Tomorrow shall be another glorious day for God! WooHoo!!!!

::Thanks::

2009-03-20T00:10:00.000+08:00

Guess i just wanna say thx..

Thx to everyone who is, or had been in my life...Yah, these few days in the emo mode again..trying to get out of it....

Thx for saying I am definitely more than a smiley face for God.

Need a change of perspective?

I have no idea how to organize my thoughts now...maybe a shower will help? haha..ok...off i go to shower....

::Survey::

2009-03-15T19:42:00.000+08:00

"Hi, are you a student going into uni this year?" These were the words i kept repeating for the past two days. As the two-days Open House survey ended, i am very excited by the events coming up and how the story of beautiful salvation will be for new people at the end of this whole matric period.

As i am typing away, sending e-mails to people with names and faces i cannot remember yet, i pray to God that someday, somehow, these will be the names in the list of heaven, pray that one day, they will be more than just a random name =)

As we're doing all these lately, people asked me how have i came to Singapore alone last year, and as the story was told, i often hear remarks such as"waoh, God really wants you to be here." [ if u dunno the story and would like to know more, please contact eva at her private phone line.] This simple sentence hit close to my heart yesterday during service, while i was standing there with fellow loved ones, something inside of me stirs: God really wants me to be here. Here standing, here singing, here just in His presence.

Thank God for the amazing story of beautiful salvation that is still in progress. One day, my loved ones who were not believers will also come to see this, that God really wants me to come to Singapore, so that they too, will come to Him. By faith, i know that this day will come.

::Death::

2009-03-03T21:39:00.000+08:00

An indonesian student commited suicide after stabbing his professor this monday morning. The news shocked the whole school and the whole Singapore within hours. The first few hours, people were like, asking question of what happened and why and who. But the next day, people all around started to crack jokes out of this incident, and i am one of them.

i felt bad afterward to make a joke out of such a tragic incident. The value of life is burried under achievements and depressions, and jokes. Conversations also include sharing with each other what we were doing during the time he died, some were sleeping, some were eating, others, such as myself is sitting in a classroom and wondering when the boring lesson will finally end, it makes me appreciate every single moment i have with my friends even more, let's leave no regret before it's too late...How easy it is for someone to decide to end his life just like that, life is precious, and should never be taken so lightly.

Choosing to face the reality and solving it requires much more wisdom and courage than choosing to end and avoid it.

::Reflection::

2009-02-26T14:22:00.000+08:00

timzimin shared his story with God to us last night...[he talk until we all have to take cab to go home...]...but the point is, i'm very glad and thankful to be one of the people sitting there last night to hear all the blessings God has showered upon him in his life so far, i'm very sure there's tons of wonderful small stories that he didn't manage to tell us, and there will surely be more amazing stories to be added to all that in years and days to come....

i've been reflecting about my personal story with God also since this Valentine's Day... and i'm just amazed by God's brilliance..hahaha...and really very thankful also...without Him, i don't know where would i be now, and i wouldn't want to go there, whereever that maybe, for it will be a place without Him.

For these past few days, i've been quite anxious, i feel like so distracted by other stuff that i can't really focus when doing my quiet time, or when i was praying, or even just singing worship.. then i started to feel scared...What if i'm starting to lose it, What if i drift further and further away from God?

But last night, when i was praying during worship, i felt assured in my heart once more that He is here, He had always been here, and He will be here till the end of time and beyond that. I told Him i'm so scared....But peace flooded my heart after that as I know that this is a time for pruning, for being sure of my faith, and to stand firm...despite eveything....He just want me to stand still and to be firm because He Is Here. And i'm thankful also for Wilson for speaking out what is in my heart after that.

1 Corinthians 15:58

58Therefore, my beloved brethren, be ye stedfast, unmoveable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, forasmuch as ye know that your labour is not in vain in the Lord.

King James Version-the cheem[?] one

58Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

New International Version-the normal one

::Language::

2009-02-20T12:39:00.000+08:00

Language is---Communication of thoughts and feelings through a system of arbitrary signals, such as voice sounds, gestures, or written symbols. (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/language)

And here's my language

The Five Love Languages

My primary love language is probably
Acts of Service
with a secondary love language being
Quality Time.

Complete set of results

Acts of Service:		10
Quality Time:		9
Words of Affirmation:		6
Physical Touch:		3
Receiving Gifts:		2

Information

Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others.

Take the quiz

By the way, just wanna shououtz a thanks for the book-- Love as a way of life, it's reli a good book...thx much ^^

::Love::

2009-02-10T01:34:00.000+08:00

It is the time of the year when LOVE is the only word you hear everywhere you go..actually, there's something called selective hearing, it simply means that we tend to focus more on hearing what we want to hear [or rather, dun wanna hear, like gossip and such.].so...maybe..[just maybe]...Love is not the only word you will hear after all...

lately, i sense more peace in my heart, even when i rush thru all my projects and the "to-do-list". And there's only one explanation for it--my Big Daddy's Love ^^

prior to this, i have been experiencing some negative emotions, a lot of them caused by how people perceived me, i'm quite sensitive to what people are saying and also their non-verbal communication, which turns out to be not so good after all.

but what amazed me when i tried to seeks comfort in God's arms is that, He scolded me! And for wo consecutive days somemore! He scolded me with such tender and care that i can do nothing but just compelled to bow down before Him who searches all hearts. He told me that i've been focusing too much on myself instead of the One True Love that comes form Him. Eva, it's time to rethink the definitin of Love, cuz you don't knw much bout it after all...

So now, by His grace, i live, and using my life, i shall explore what is means to LOVE.

And seeing that Valentine's is just around the corner, i'm planning a small party for my caregroup, i found it such a blessing to be able to do cards for them, see the smiles on their faces, and hear them laugh-out-loud when i sang =p

Another "profound experience" occurred to me also lately, my ex, julian, who has been out of contact for 5 months, suddenly contacted me again since friday night. i felt so awkward and afraid, but after that i recognize the source of my fear, i fear that i might succumb when he suggested we get back together. I can see that it's not a healthy relationship, but, it's a very comfortable and tempting relationship, one filled with sweet-talks and fluffy rainbows and flowers [just the kinda stuff any normal will fall for]. but i thank God for the wisdom in recognizing this, or else, i'll be stucked in another cycle of "curtains of comfort" which is not good again, like i have fall for so so many times in the past..

::Third::

2009-01-22T23:41:00.000+08:00

This is the third week of school

Chinese New Year is just around the corner...as usual, i don't feel much for it, mainly due to the fact that i'm always being the "vase" when i went to people's houses..it's all the same old thing year after year--eat,drink,talk,watch others do stuff, "vase-ing"...

But i really hope that this year's CNY will be different, despite all the projects and assignment need to be done, i really wanna celebrate this new year meaningfully with my "family" here in Singapore...

Another week has passed, there's so much i wanna Thank God, for all that in my life~
Thanks for the people, my family, my friends....
Thanks for talking to me, showing me, listening to me....
Thanks for providing me, guiding me....

Fear has always held me back from doing and saying a lot of stuff..
Fear of opinions, perceptions, flaws...

Thanks for taking away my Fear as well....

Yet, my Joy is not complete, for even when i do not fear, it still brought me down when the outcome is not to my favour,or rather, it's what people said to me or about me that really makes the different...

::Busy::

2009-01-14T16:19:00.000+08:00

Waoh~This is just the second week, yet suddenly feel like there's a lot of stuff going on, a lot of things need to be done...As usual, i'm NOT those very task-oriented people, i tend to only decide the plan for my day the moment i wake up, there's certainly some pros and cons to this, so i'm learning to do some planning ahead of time, this way, i will be more organised, yet still be flexible enough..

My personal feel is that, i do not like to restraint or confined myself to a certain model, i really prefer to allow the day blow me to the right direction, those who are higly organised may find this "disturbing" or whatever, but a lot of time, the wind will blow me toward unexpected surprises in life, presenting me with new opportunities, which is quite fun actually =]

This is the day the Lord has made, so i shall rejoice in it! =p

BTW,
These two verses speaks very strongly to me lately--
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see god. Matthew5:8
you are the light of the world, a city on a hill cannot be hidden. Matthew 5:14

Do i have the pure heart that i so wish i could have?
Am i being the light of the world that cannot be hidden?
Am i being the testimonial of God's Love for all the nations that people find themselves drawn to me because they see God working in my life??

::New::

2009-01-02T21:32:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year!! WooHoo~~ I'm back in Singapore!! Today is a very tiring day indeed!! after i reach Johor airport straight jump into the cab and then allllllllllll the way down to NTU...then after that i spent the whole afternoon cleaning my room...Gosh!!! have no idea the lot of dust that manage to move in to my room just in one month time...

Anyway...then i met up with YanYu, Jing Ying, Jing Ting, Zach, Qi Min and Yang Chao...have a wonderful time at dinner...[and thx for all the warm welcome also dears.. ^^] Very happy to get to know Yang Chao..Really looking forward to many more time to spend with you all as the semester starts...

Oh well...school is round the conner...guess this semester i REALLY need to put in more effort to do revisions..due to...erm...consequences i suffered from last sem =p

As i flew across the ocean and bid farewell to Sabah...I realized the one-month test i set up for myself have come to an end also...And i m very happy to announce that i didn't waste my stay at Sabah and i'm trully grateful for everything that has happened there, not forgeting also all my dear friends who are there and have encouraged me a lot [without even knowing it i think]

As the year 2009 starts..i can't wait to hop onto this ride and see where it will take me....the air is filled with new possibilities and exciting adventures waiting for me...just as how i have predicted 2008 would be at the start of last year...but man! i never knew at 1st Jan 2008 how awesome the journey would be!

So, here's a toast for the amazing year ahead!!!!!
WooHoo!!!!!!!!!!

::Christmas (final)::

2008-12-26T00:57:00.000+08:00

haha..so the countdown is finally over~~And Christmas is here...then Christmas is over already...LOL...actually it's just two days where the sun rises up like usual..But this year's Christmas is extra special...Cuz it's the first one i celebrate with Father himself....

lotsa things happened over the course of these few days...i'm blogging at the cyber now...my computer broke down just now...[sob sob]

First of all, i wanna say Merry Christmas to all my loved ones...and to my dear friens Ah Ling...thank you so much for your love letter, i am very blessed by it...and i managed to get a pair of nice shoe also...so, here's the pic--

Actually not just for Christmas...during the whole period while i'm having my holiday at Sabah, God has blessed me so so so much and reveal to me a lot of things...

My friend receive Christ today...I am so honoured that i'm here to pray for him this morning...Very touched that God chooses to touch him personally...Just as how He did for so many people at the Christmas service today....

then i'm informed there's lotsa "babies" in my caregroup also back in singapore...Thank God for touching them...can't wait to see them....

::Christmas (III)::

2008-12-21T15:45:00.000+08:00

Oh well...6 more days to Christmas!!! Today i went to church service, and the bishop talk about How we shall all run this race and persevere till the end...It's on 2 Timothy4:1-8..He reminded all that Jesus will come as the Highest Judge for the Living and the Death...

How constantly do i forget all that? And keep on whining for my circumstances just like what the Israelites did when they were in the desert...Saying stupid things like..."how come no meat? I don't like this manna".."how come i am this..."..."how come i am that...."

Looking from an outsider point of view, i can say very easily that the Israelites are being ungrateful or even stupid and stuff...But looking at myself, how easily i fall into that as well.....I need more than blind faith, i need wisdom and discernment.

And now for the more light-hearted stuff....i made these two videos last night cause i am too bored...hope u all enjoy it and have a good laugh out of it...LOL..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jl7r8J0ydRw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXhOY_Yo_oc

Eva

::Twelve::

::Will::

::Fast::

::Money::

::twotwo::

::Intervene::

::Blooms::

詩 篇 84:10

::Foreign::

::Crazy::

::Children::

::Real::

::Go::

::Honesty::

::Emotions::

::Hope:

::Story::

::Hundred::

::Tired::

::Calling::

::Reunion::

::Sacrifice::

::Narnia::

::Work::

::Jam::

::End::

::Negative::

::Interesting::

::Blog::

::Building::

::Marriage::

::Old::

::Friends::

::Clumsy::

::Timothy::

:TwentyOne::

::Past::

::Baby::

::choice::

::Judge::

::Dinner::

::Virtual::

::First::

::Resolution::

::Year::

::Boxing::

::Me::

::Baby::

::Awesome::

::December::

::Exam2::

::Exam1::

::Pre4::

::Pre3::

::Wedding::

::Pre2::

::Pre::

::Rain::

::Blood2::

::Blood::

::Treasure::

::Rest II::

::Rest::

::Found::

::Six::

happy toast - wallpaper by ~LadyMascara

::Grace::

::Lost::

::Rent II::

::Rent::

::School::

::One::

::Wish::

::Home::

::Testimony::

::Random::

::Transformer::

::Father::

::Gastronomania::

詩篇 84:10